Dear diary, I miss B. He said that I don't talk to him often anymore and so he doesn't recognise my way of texting anymore. Drifting apart with him is the last thing that I would want happening to us. Yet, I chose to take a step back and remain silent. My heart's caught in a terrible struggle :( really hate this.

And the husky guy is getting on my nerves. He doesn't even know me, yet he speaks like he does. And how are we compatible when he says it's scary to see my serious side? 

I really miss B. When we have fun, we laugh like there's no tomorrow. When we're serious, we know when to listen instead of cracking lame jokes.

And as cny comes by, I'm reminded of a particular instance when we phoned each other even as he was otw to msia while in the car with his family and his dad teased him about something which I can't remember (like getting a room with me or something cos we were behaving like we couldn't bear to part with each other even for a night).

Feel like crying as I recall these memories. I want it, yet I don't have the courage to chase it. Though I always say that he can only be my mr almost, deep in my heart I still wished that there was more.

The other day when he said he was disappointed cos he got to know about the husky guy not from me but from someone else, though he appeared to be okay and still be smiley and all, I think he was deeply affected.

Cos there was once when I joined cheerleading but he only knew it when his bro saw me, and to add on, learnt that everyone else knew about it already except for him, he texted me in a serious tone how disappointed he felt. That is why my instincts told me that he is upset that I didn't tell him about the husky guy, something which he might think he would've been the first to know about if it was in the past.

I felt bad, but I knew I had my reason for not letting him know. I didn't want him to nag at me, with knowing that he would bring up all that stuff about me leading the guys on, giving guys the wrong signals and me being naive and gullible. It's just annoying to hear such comments aiming right at your face though I know that he wouldn't have acted as such if deep down he didn't genuinely care for me.

So I tried to act cute, hoping that he would forgive me. And the way I was holding and tugging his arms on the mrt train that night, I felt like the entire world had just stopped for the two of us again. He did not push me away but seemed receptive instead (though he did not initiate any close contact). And I know it's kinda dramatic but I was imagining tugging his arms with a little bit more force and pulling him towards me as I fall into his embrace. :( just sounds dumb isn't it. Daydreaming again.

Hais. Screwed up. Stop living each day as it is. Time to find a solution to these. Feel even more frustrated that I can't express my thoughts as I want to. :(((( vocab jam.

Dear diary, my market value has been kinda high lately hur. Haha not bad uh, at least I know I'm still attractive. First, the office guy at the mrt, then the 2 poly guys at bugis, tt aloysius guy I met at work a while ago, the ex toysrus supervisor, and now the husky guy. Or are people just desperate for a partner these days? I agreed to go on a dinner and movie date with the husky guy. But idk. Now that we're chatting for a bit, he seems too direct (aggressive in a way) and impatient. In fact, he seems to have raging hormones :/ like from 'begging' a friend who is a colleague of mine at udders to ask me for my phone number, directly telling me his intention of talking to me (which is hoping to date me), and saying that he would pop by udders as part of his wanting-to-see-me scheme. I was seriously taken aback. Prolly I haven't been faced with guys with such initiative and confidence for a long time, so it came totally unexpected to me. But actually this kinda makes me think of B more. Even though he's passive and seems emotionless, he's still the one I feel most happy with. The one who makes me smile the brightest. He actually wore the love charm that I gave him though it looked gay (like totally) and doesn't intend to remove it. And as I told him by placing the charm under his pillow, he will receive good luck, he said he better not cos he doesn't want to risk losing it. And the way he was being cheeky by wanting to scoop the awfully tasting chilli from the korean soup for me and by saying that he was like feeding a pig, yet how he was so gentlemanly and sweet when he offered to scoop the actual edible stuff (specially looking out for what I said I like) for me. And also how sweet he was when he took out his cardigan from his bag for me when I asked for it cos I was cold and actually helped me to wear it (he couldve asked me to take it on my own since his bag was just beside me), and how he would place his tissue beside me rather than himself when he opened a new packet. He even asked if I was cold when I wanted to return his cardigan to him and told me to wear it home. Aside from our chemistry, such unconditional sweetness and care and concern really don't come by that often, do they? Should I then grab hold of this affinity before it's gone?

I'm kinda tired of dropping him subtle hints. I'm losing motivation to act. I'm losing feelings for him. But he will never take any initiative even if he wanted something out of it. So should I be the one who takes more initiative? Is it worth trying? Or should I just let him go? My mind tells me I'm ready to let go (or at least I have to be), but my heart says no. And if I don't act, will I lose him and this affinity?
 
When I was with A, I questioned myself why couldn't he be half as willing to spend on me as Adrian was.
When I was with E, I questioned myself why couldn't he be half as passionate as A was, or half as similar to me as B was.
Now when I am not with anyone but long for B, I question myself why can't he be half as initiatory, expressive, or receptive as the rest of them were.

Is the grass always greener on the other side?

Almost Here - Brian McFadden & Delta Goodrem
Did I hear you right
'Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over

You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where a love once shined so bright
Came without a reason

Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Well, haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough

But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh, won't you let me

Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Oh, haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough

And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
(Well, I never knew how far behind I'd left you)

And when I hold you
You're almost here
(Well, I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)

And now I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

Going back to udders to work tomorrow. So dumb of me to be feeling all stressed up over making a waffle (cos I was once scolded for not making a nice waffle even after working there for a couple of months). Ahhh. JIAYOU GIRL. YOU CAN DO IT. PROVE TO OTHERS THAT YOU CAN. Even if you get scolded, accept the criticisms with an open heart and learn from your mistakes. Pick up everything all over again. Start afresh. Like what T said, it's just a minor setback. I would be a loser if I were to give up so easily.

不懂，就问。
不会，就学。
不要怕被别人瞧不起。

JIAYOU!!!!

Dear diary, I miss him. I really do you know. Sometimes I wish we were still as close as before, when we talked everyday without fail, when he would be the first I would wanna share every single thing that happened to me with, when he would also send me every little thing that he came across, when I simply wanted to do the little things for him that made him smile like a little boy just because I liked to, when he would insist to talk to me when I was upset, when he doted on me and when we expressed our care and concern for, and emotions to the other freely and openly. "What are u doing?", "Don't sleep too late.", "U free?", "Call me?", "I'm so happy to have you", "Hope it makes you happy".. The pictures of our dinner, supper, new hairstyle, and other random things that we would send each other.. The little quarrels we had and how we would end up saying sorry and that we didn't want to lose or disappoint each other.. There were so much openly expressed emotions. You used to know everything but now, I have to turn to this space. That period of time was our special relationship as.. Idk if I should say best friends, bro and sis, confidants, or soulmates. We were just.. inseparable? And it's indeed unforgettable. Now, though between us, there's a greater sense of romance, mystery, and suspense, somehow I still miss that closeness when we could tell each other everything and anything, when we were the support for each other in times of sadness, fear, joy, or anger. We've indeed been through a lot, and changed a lot. But one thing that hasn't changed since the start of 2012 till now, is how people would tease us of being an item. I'm not sure if those memories mean anything to you, but I miss you, Ivan. I miss us. We were so close but you felt like just a friend to me. Yet now, when I feel like you're a little more than that to me, we have to become so distant. Is this what they call as meeting the right one but at the wrong moment? And now, I'm like faced with two paths ahead. One is a fully lit path, safe, quiet, peaceful, and void of risks. On the other hand, it is pitch black where no one knows what lies at the other end of it. Flowers and sparks, or continued darkness. I won't deny my feelings for you anymore, but my motivation keeps diminishing gradually.

Went out in a group that day with the rest and hey, B actually wore the gay looking love charm (but which broke when he was on the way to meeting T. *inserts the flabbergasted face* is it a bad omen?!!!) Haha but anyway, it felt sweet. Cos I guess it was totally unexpected since the bracelet really looked quite gay. Haha. And he was so sweet when he actually noticed that I didn't have any idea what game they were playing on their phones and asked if I wanted to play it with the rest on his phone on his behalf, so that I wouldn't be left out. (Reminds me of how he would always be the first to notice that I wasn't okay or was upset (most prolly over E) when I was still attached). And when he was teasing me in front of the rest about how scared I was while watching the horror movie w him, we just dissolved into our own world of making fun of the other. Idk, it felt sweet and special too, like it was as if at that moment, the rest of the world was non existent. Not forgetting when the rest teased us about how they think the reason he joined us eventually was cos of me (since I managed to persuade him to join us), he gave that shy smile and didn't say anything in defense. U know, though I gave the roll-eyes look on my face, in fact, deep within me, I just secretly felt a tad happy. But and again, you're almost but never there.

I think I'm all ready, to let you go. It seems like I can't make you feel happy, nor can I make you feel loved and want to love with all your heart. Perhaps I'm not the right one for you. So I will continue with my journey, to finding the one who will eventually own the key to unlock the chest of my hidden heart. Goodbye B, my Mr Almost.

Dear diary, hanging out with B today made me reflect a lot. First of all, I just wanna say that I think he'll always be the Mr Almost to me.

Kinda sad isn't it? Just for a second, it was like I've fallen in love. With him. It felt so nice, so right. It was as if I've found the feeling that I'd lost ever since I ended things with A 4 years back, the feeling of being in love so much with someone who makes me smile from deep within like a retard.

Wanted to blog about how we hung out on the 17th and how happy he made me (but was too tired from work all these while to do so). I want to have these memories written so they can be remembered. 

Memories of how sweet everything felt when he gave in to me wanting to meet at cityhall even though he didnt want to initially cos he wasn't dressed up for town, when he waited for me for an hour, when we had so much fun together as we randomly decided to explore fort canning park late at night, when he asked if I knew where we were (Registry Of Marriage) after finally finding our way to the park, when I grabbed his arm as I thought I saw something freaky from the corner of my eye, and finally when lucky us witnessed a sweet little thing most prolly some guy did for his gf (making the words "belinda ♡♡♡" in a big heart made up of candles).

I thought I finally found the feeling, with the right person. But another instant just now, it seemed like all these feelings were just an illusion. A sweet dream that I woke up from.

We had dinner together, caught a horror movie together, and it was only until the moment when we sat down and moved on to serious topics of conversation when Idk, I felt like the feeling of falling in love was gone.

It felt good initially when he opened his xmas present and saw the love charm bracelet that I got and made for him (in hope that he will be a happier person with love energy from everywhere that the charm will bring about and surround him with). He tried to it put on, and under the dark but moonlit sky, that few minutes of our attempt with the bracelet made me feel like time had stopped for just the two of us.

But everything was ruined when the conversation moved on to naiveness, truthfulness, lies, and compassion. About how he thinks that lies, not truthfulness, goes together with compassion, and also how he finds me naive and gullible. Please. It is a matter of choice. Choosing to believe the good in people doesn't necessarily mean the denial or ignorance of other possibilities. What would the world become if everyone was as cynical as you are? All that conversation was just disheartening. It felt like as if I was wrong to have commented that he was the first guy who made me feel such genuity in (like what I wrote in the card which he read later on).

Idk. It just made me feel like I should have had second thoughts about feeling that he treats me genuinely nice without any bad intentions (though he msged me after reading the card and told me that I'm in his mostttttttttt important group of friends and that I'm one of the most special people to him that he will show his truthful side to, that he knows he has no bad intentions towards).

The feeling of romance was all gone. It just.. became a moment of glumness, burden, negativity, and unhappiness. The feeling of the lack of romance was just.. amplified. It was like all about he dwelling into sadness towards life. The whole time it was about him, about me, but nothing about us.

U know it was like he wanting to get close but yet not wanting to at the same time. It's so annoying. For instance, when I got close to him for some comfort at the movies, for some reason, he didn't move away but even made a few attempts to scare me further, with knowing that I would get closer for greater comfort. But in that case of seeking the closeness himself, why would he not want to hold or pat my head knowing that I was scared? Why was he as still as a rock?

In addition to the lack of "togetherness" while we sat down and talked, these really took my feelings of falling in love with him away. Was it cos I gave him a love charm, which he interpeted as me wanting him to get into a relationship with others and so took away the romance element between us, or was it cos he simply doesn't want us to develop feelings just in case anything unpleasant happens and he loses me as an important person like what he told others (in fact he told others once that he treats me like a sister but also told me that his godsister in I forgot sec school or ite had that title cos he liked but couldn't be together with her, which made me form the connection)? Or is it cos he just doesn't feel anything for me? But in that case, why would he do so many special things like making the elaborated bday present for me?

And how much can I interpret from his actions when he says that he's someone who doesn't dare to make his feelings known to girls? Yet how much can I trust him when he says that he likes a girl only when he feels like being in a relationship or when she's pretty or popular and he wants to win her (cos he will lose the interest after winning)? Does he even have feelings of love?

I felt so disappointed after hearing this (not like it's the first time I do. In fact I get disappointed every time I hear this from him). In any way, idk how he feels about me, but it's just so tough sustaining my feelings towards him :'( do the genuity and sincerity in him have to be compromised by his lack of love emotions?