Friday, June 27, 2014
:( jealous me is jealous again. Saw his photos on instagram. The gorgeous scenery and all. And the photos which the two of them took together by a Korean friend they made. I just wanna detach myself :( Can't take both that envy and jealousy. One part of me wished sosososo damn badly that the one there with him was me, experiencing all that beauty and adventure with him, but the other part of me is telling me to let him go, let us go. I just.. don't have that courage to love him. I initiated a conversation with him a few days back. He mentioned that I would like it there because there are many dark places for me to explore. And the more I wished I was there by his side, sharing all that beautiful experience with him. It made me real sad. To make things worse, despite that, he didn't seem keen to share with me his adventures and stories. He was the one who said that he would take lots of pictures to tempt me when he is there. But when I asked for him to show me pictures, he said he took a lot but he didn't feel like posting them. I said he just had to show me and didn't have to post it. And he replied, "see how first", yet the photos on his instagram a few days later. How am I not expected to feel rejected? How am I supposed to keep initiating without fearing that I'll annoy him? I have my pride too. It's not that I've never tried. I did. But can anyone understand how I feel? Idk if he's too independent or used to being alone? It seems like he doesn't want to long for something. He doesn't wanna try. Probably that's why even if he enjoys something, he wouldn't think of having it, and so, doesn't bother to act. And being the negative him, he probably wouldn't expect me to care as much too. It's just.. so tough. Too tough.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Repost: http://thoughtcatalog.com/isabel-hershko/2014/03/this-is-what-happens-when-you-love-someone-who-has-built-up-walls/
Loving someone who has walls up is not a careless decision. It
takes a conscious commitment to assign yourself as the one to take the
first strike at the concrete surrounding their heart. These are people
who have painted over their fragile skin with instant-ready cement,
blocking out the feel of fingerprints and the echo of empty promises.
They tell themselves that all the little nuances that make them secret
romantics have to stay hidden away. This Is What Happens When You Love Someone Who Has Built Up Walls
But despite it all — despite the walls and the “do not enter” sign they hang around their neck — you might just fall for them. And in some miracle of ways, they might fall for you, too.
For them, loving you will be like walking into a construction zone: messy and just a little bit dangerous. But it all will come with the promise of tearing down old walls to make room for something open and stable.
They won’t promise that they’ll be able to hit some magic switch and all of a sudden, they’ll act differently than they always have. To say so would be a lie, and both of you know it. It’s going to take some time. Walls are a stubborn sort of architecture, and they won’t come down without a fight. Just know that the first few nights you spend together, they really will want to cuddle up close to you and burrow themselves in your arms. They’ll want to, more than anything. But they also won’t want to seem needy. They’ll sleep with their backs to you, and they’ll pray that you’ll be more courageous than they are. They’ll sleep with crossed fingers and an anxious heartbeat, hoping that eventually you’ll pull them back to you and you’ll show them that it’s okay to be endearing.
They are going to shut down. All people do, at some point or another. But for the ones who have gotten used to a life of distance, the first sharp bite of unpleasant reality is going to sting the most. During your first fight, they probably won’t say a word. They probably won’t even look at you. But they’ll come around, eventually. And they will apologize for being so distant and stubborn.
They will try not to punish you for their past, and at first, they likely will fail. As hard as this unplaced punishment may seem, try not to lose your temper. If they’ve let you know that they’re making the attempts to work with you, instead of against you like they have most others, you’re on your way. All love requires work. You may be paying for someone else’s mistakes at the moment. And it may be inherently hard. But if you’re fighting together, you’ll soon reap the rewards of someone who has ventured farther into their heart than anyone else dared. A little patience goes so far.
At the heart of it all, if a person with walls has decided they love you, they mean it. To have walls means to block yourself out, and when love nestles itself in the basement of your heart, it becomes a permanent resident banging on walls and demanding to be tended to. So although at times it may seem this fight is a one sided battle, do not forget that just because you cannot see the war raging on does not mean it doesn’t exist.
If you’re smart, you know a good thing when you see one. And this person with the walls seemingly unbreakable just might be the best thing you’ll have seen in a long, long time. So when the break down and the fight seem too much, remember what you’re fighting for. Remember than underneath the layers of doubt and distance is a person with a heart that could have been molded just for you. Loving someone with walls is never easy. But sometimes, if you’re lucky, the fight is more than worth it.
Dear diary,
I just read Charmaine's blog on her exchange trip in Korea which she went together with B. I know this sounds ridiculous and selfish but the first feeling that arose within me, is jealousy :((((((((( omg I sound like a possessive girlfriend when we are not even together. *frowns*
Oh wait. First of all, I gotta clarify that B and I are alright once again after that long period of awkwardness/tension which seemed like forever to me. Decided to try my luck again before he flew on 20th June to Korea (for 2 months), to kind of have a heart to heart talk with him. And surprisingly, he stopped being cold and sian towards me, and so, we met up on 16th June successfully after millions of years (okay I'm being exaggerating. it was like 4 months?) and finally, I could ask him what happened between us. Being the super shy and not used to being comfortable with expressing his emotions kind of person, he stuttered. But what made me most touched and happy was that, he was willing to put down his pride to show that emotional side of him (though it was quite a challenge to him. he even told me that he wanted to hide it from me. it, referring to the reason why he stopped talking to me, which was, the disappointment that I stopped looking for him to let him know about the happenings in my life). I was filled with such ambivalence at that point in time. Happiness and relief, yet disappointment (but former was like probably 90%, and the latter 10%). Happy and relieved that he finally was receptive towards my attempts to reach out to him, and that I still mean something to him after so long. Yet, disappointed because I am always the one who has to initiate, even if he wants something. It's like, he wants, yet he doesn't dare to want. It just makes me feel unwanted you know.
Like why am I always the one who will take the first step. Is all that we have not worth his attempt to step out of his comfort zone to at least dare to fight for something that he claims to value? We are very similar, in the sense that we are both passive, shy, scared of rejection, and self control freaks (like we can't just "let it go~ let it go~ can't hold it back anymore"). I have never really fought for, or at least, had to fight for anything that I wanted. But because he means so much, I stepped out. I'm tired of his passivity. If I meant so much to you like you said, why don't I see it in your actions, in wanting to act, and retrieve what we had lost. If I didn't do anything, he would have just let things go. Why, why doesn't he try to fight for something that he wants in life? He's like this towards his father, and the same towards me. And I hate this. I hate how he can't seem to have the courage to fight for what he wants, and the confidence to know that he is capable of successfully having fought for what he wants. I know that it's highly due to his upbringing, that he is being conditioned to accept the fact that he has no control over his predestined fate, so in the long run, he refuses to want to do anything to make his life better but to accept things as they are. Okay, and he, in his defense, said that he thought I was the one who didn't want to talk to him first (in fact it was because of my fear of rejection by his coldness after the sam husky incident, which I did not hide from him intentionally, triggered on to other things that I did not tell him). He said that he is a negative person and that it wasn't the first day that I knew him anyway. I think I will be sick and tired of hearing that one day :(
Okay anyway, so it was like self fulfilling prophecy both in us u know. It was like okay
1) the sam husky thing which I did not hide from him intentionally ->
2) him thinking that I don't wanna let him know about my life anymore or maybe also pride that if I wanted to tell him stuff, I will look for him ->
3) his withdrawal interpreted as coldness to me (especially as he moved on to having other close friends like Charmaine and Morris, and seemed like he was having a whale of a time) ->
4) my fear of rejection by him and guilt for hurting him, like making him think that I don't want him anymore (I thought he wasn't interested in knowing anything about me anymore) ->
5) I stopped looking for him after a few attempts to ask him out he just seemed to be pushing me away ->
6) my withdrawal interpreted as his confirmation of me not wanting to let him know about my life and it just goes back to 2)
So it was like at the same time as he thought I would approach him if I wanted to, I was thinking of the same as well. And that was what caused our drift. But well, on a happy note, he was finally receptive towards my reaching out (but apparently, to him, he thinks that he was all along affected by this, so I shouldn't have used the word "finally"). Well, true that it isn't that he is "finally" receptive in that sense if he wanted to put it that way, cos it's true that I could've approached him earlier, like seriously approach him with sincerity instead of just trying to talk about things on the surface with him (in my defense, that's my way of approaching what). But I used the word "finally" because he's all along been so cold and sian towards me when I attempted to reach out to him, though okay I do agree that probably I didn't try hard enough. But hey, he was so cold, how does he expect me to not have the feeling of being rejected. And in my defense, why can't he approach me first. At least I tried (and got pushed away), but he didn't at all. Oh wells, but I guess because both of us valued each other so much, we did not go on pushing the blame around, but became all well once again. As I leaned on his shoulder, grabbed his arm to hug it close to me, and said "huhhh sorry leh" in that manja tone, he said "wah you like that I don't know what to feel anymore" in that okay-shit-fine-u-win tone, like when one's heart will melt when people do that to them. And omg I just felt sosososo nice. I'm not a well versed person, so I really dk what words to use to describe how happy I was. I wished that night would never end. And I wished I could just lie in his arms till forever. That embrace, is like something fought for, something that I received with much pain, so priceless.
But oh well, back to reality. We had to leave. And he, being the cheeky him, kept on trying to guilt trip me (i suspect that it is cos he isn't emotionally expressive, like shy, or maybe he is just afraid of rejection (same as I do, but I guess mine is very mild as compared to him even though mine can be quite bad), so by doing that, he could get me to get close to him without him having to initiate him wanting that physical touch and intimacy). So he kept saying things like "wah, so disappointing", so that I would hug him or his arm so try to "get my way through". I guess that's our way of getting intimate without having to really express ourselves in such an overt way. Can't imagine myself feeling so blissful hugging someone else. And Idk why but I always liked the feeling of hugging the arm of someone I'm in love with, like pull it close to my chest area. Call me weird, but it just feels so heartwarming, it's like literally close to my heart. And it feels even sweeter because it's really hard for me to fall in love with someone. But when I do, I feel genuinely and extremely blissful.
Okay yes, so I volunteered to take the train with him, so that we could spend more time together. And as we did, we took this photo. Extreme bliss. Beyond words. It's so amazing that I still feel that special feeling towards the same person even after 2 years of push and pull, ups and downs, on and offs. Not that I didn't like E when I was with him. It was just that, I only realized the real significance of B to me when E and I broke up. And as I left, because stupid us took the wrong direction and when we switched to the right one, there were no more trains to my place, I spread out my arms for a hug, and he hugged me. Initially, he gave that awkward pat pat kind of hug, but since I've always liked to stroke the other person's back as I hugged them, he stopped the pat pat and hugged me still and for a few seconds. Though it wasn't that kind of tight hugs, I felt like those few seconds, there weren't anyone else around us. Okay dramatic, but the way he hugged me back, I felt the love. And you know it, because time has shown everything. Soooo, because the train had to leave, so I had to come back to reality that I was going off. And that was when we bade goodbye. I could just hug him till the morning :(
I just read Charmaine's blog on her exchange trip in Korea which she went together with B. I know this sounds ridiculous and selfish but the first feeling that arose within me, is jealousy :((((((((( omg I sound like a possessive girlfriend when we are not even together. *frowns*
Oh wait. First of all, I gotta clarify that B and I are alright once again after that long period of awkwardness/tension which seemed like forever to me. Decided to try my luck again before he flew on 20th June to Korea (for 2 months), to kind of have a heart to heart talk with him. And surprisingly, he stopped being cold and sian towards me, and so, we met up on 16th June successfully after millions of years (okay I'm being exaggerating. it was like 4 months?) and finally, I could ask him what happened between us. Being the super shy and not used to being comfortable with expressing his emotions kind of person, he stuttered. But what made me most touched and happy was that, he was willing to put down his pride to show that emotional side of him (though it was quite a challenge to him. he even told me that he wanted to hide it from me. it, referring to the reason why he stopped talking to me, which was, the disappointment that I stopped looking for him to let him know about the happenings in my life). I was filled with such ambivalence at that point in time. Happiness and relief, yet disappointment (but former was like probably 90%, and the latter 10%). Happy and relieved that he finally was receptive towards my attempts to reach out to him, and that I still mean something to him after so long. Yet, disappointed because I am always the one who has to initiate, even if he wants something. It's like, he wants, yet he doesn't dare to want. It just makes me feel unwanted you know.
Like why am I always the one who will take the first step. Is all that we have not worth his attempt to step out of his comfort zone to at least dare to fight for something that he claims to value? We are very similar, in the sense that we are both passive, shy, scared of rejection, and self control freaks (like we can't just "let it go~ let it go~ can't hold it back anymore"). I have never really fought for, or at least, had to fight for anything that I wanted. But because he means so much, I stepped out. I'm tired of his passivity. If I meant so much to you like you said, why don't I see it in your actions, in wanting to act, and retrieve what we had lost. If I didn't do anything, he would have just let things go. Why, why doesn't he try to fight for something that he wants in life? He's like this towards his father, and the same towards me. And I hate this. I hate how he can't seem to have the courage to fight for what he wants, and the confidence to know that he is capable of successfully having fought for what he wants. I know that it's highly due to his upbringing, that he is being conditioned to accept the fact that he has no control over his predestined fate, so in the long run, he refuses to want to do anything to make his life better but to accept things as they are. Okay, and he, in his defense, said that he thought I was the one who didn't want to talk to him first (in fact it was because of my fear of rejection by his coldness after the sam husky incident, which I did not hide from him intentionally, triggered on to other things that I did not tell him). He said that he is a negative person and that it wasn't the first day that I knew him anyway. I think I will be sick and tired of hearing that one day :(
Okay anyway, so it was like self fulfilling prophecy both in us u know. It was like okay
1) the sam husky thing which I did not hide from him intentionally ->
2) him thinking that I don't wanna let him know about my life anymore or maybe also pride that if I wanted to tell him stuff, I will look for him ->
3) his withdrawal interpreted as coldness to me (especially as he moved on to having other close friends like Charmaine and Morris, and seemed like he was having a whale of a time) ->
4) my fear of rejection by him and guilt for hurting him, like making him think that I don't want him anymore (I thought he wasn't interested in knowing anything about me anymore) ->
5) I stopped looking for him after a few attempts to ask him out he just seemed to be pushing me away ->
6) my withdrawal interpreted as his confirmation of me not wanting to let him know about my life and it just goes back to 2)
So it was like at the same time as he thought I would approach him if I wanted to, I was thinking of the same as well. And that was what caused our drift. But well, on a happy note, he was finally receptive towards my reaching out (but apparently, to him, he thinks that he was all along affected by this, so I shouldn't have used the word "finally"). Well, true that it isn't that he is "finally" receptive in that sense if he wanted to put it that way, cos it's true that I could've approached him earlier, like seriously approach him with sincerity instead of just trying to talk about things on the surface with him (in my defense, that's my way of approaching what). But I used the word "finally" because he's all along been so cold and sian towards me when I attempted to reach out to him, though okay I do agree that probably I didn't try hard enough. But hey, he was so cold, how does he expect me to not have the feeling of being rejected. And in my defense, why can't he approach me first. At least I tried (and got pushed away), but he didn't at all. Oh wells, but I guess because both of us valued each other so much, we did not go on pushing the blame around, but became all well once again. As I leaned on his shoulder, grabbed his arm to hug it close to me, and said "huhhh sorry leh" in that manja tone, he said "wah you like that I don't know what to feel anymore" in that okay-shit-fine-u-win tone, like when one's heart will melt when people do that to them. And omg I just felt sosososo nice. I'm not a well versed person, so I really dk what words to use to describe how happy I was. I wished that night would never end. And I wished I could just lie in his arms till forever. That embrace, is like something fought for, something that I received with much pain, so priceless.
But oh well, back to reality. We had to leave. And he, being the cheeky him, kept on trying to guilt trip me (i suspect that it is cos he isn't emotionally expressive, like shy, or maybe he is just afraid of rejection (same as I do, but I guess mine is very mild as compared to him even though mine can be quite bad), so by doing that, he could get me to get close to him without him having to initiate him wanting that physical touch and intimacy). So he kept saying things like "wah, so disappointing", so that I would hug him or his arm so try to "get my way through". I guess that's our way of getting intimate without having to really express ourselves in such an overt way. Can't imagine myself feeling so blissful hugging someone else. And Idk why but I always liked the feeling of hugging the arm of someone I'm in love with, like pull it close to my chest area. Call me weird, but it just feels so heartwarming, it's like literally close to my heart. And it feels even sweeter because it's really hard for me to fall in love with someone. But when I do, I feel genuinely and extremely blissful.
Okay yes, so I volunteered to take the train with him, so that we could spend more time together. And as we did, we took this photo. Extreme bliss. Beyond words. It's so amazing that I still feel that special feeling towards the same person even after 2 years of push and pull, ups and downs, on and offs. Not that I didn't like E when I was with him. It was just that, I only realized the real significance of B to me when E and I broke up. And as I left, because stupid us took the wrong direction and when we switched to the right one, there were no more trains to my place, I spread out my arms for a hug, and he hugged me. Initially, he gave that awkward pat pat kind of hug, but since I've always liked to stroke the other person's back as I hugged them, he stopped the pat pat and hugged me still and for a few seconds. Though it wasn't that kind of tight hugs, I felt like those few seconds, there weren't anyone else around us. Okay dramatic, but the way he hugged me back, I felt the love. And you know it, because time has shown everything. Soooo, because the train had to leave, so I had to come back to reality that I was going off. And that was when we bade goodbye. I could just hug him till the morning :(
Beyond words.
Okay so anyway, I also passed him the booklet that I was supposed to give to him last year during his bday. A booklet that consisted of all the sweet memories that we shared together all the way from when I first knew him. Photos of us, the pictures we would send each other (the most random things like the food we were eating at that point in time, our new haircuts), and also pictures which captured the moments of our memories (like the dale soft toy I gave him), and also drawings of the places we went to and things that we said. It was like a booklet of our story. So, since his next bday is already nearing and I won't be able to spend it with him this time round, I made a continuation to his bday this year, with only a few but meaningful pages (few cos we stopped talking or meeting). Because it was too mushy, I told him to read it at home. And so, after he read it, he texted me and told me that he was touched and amazed beyond words how I could remember all the details so clearly, some events and things of which he didn't even remember happening or saying. And he gave me a red heart emoticon followed by "I love the booklet!!!!!". Also, he said that he would always appreciate my friendship and effort to make things work. (Yea he better. HAHA. Kidding.) But I'm so glad and happy that I still meant something to him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have felt so much upon reading the booklet, isn't it?
OKAY. So back to our initial topic, yup, so after all that happiness on Monday, he had to fly off on Friday. And because he didn't want me to go send him off, whether on that day at the airport, or one night before at his place, he said he would send lots of pictures to tempt me when he is there at Korea. But it's been 3 days.. I have been waiting for 3 days, no news :( And then I see that he has this newly set up instagram account because of pictures that Charmaine posted and tagged him in, I felt affected. I felt sad. I know I shouldn't because it's just an instagram account and maybe he was overly engrossed that he didn't think of texting me? And I thought, I shouldn't be selfish and expect him to have to account to me anything because we do not have any commitments towards each other afterall. I didn't want to stress him out with such stuff because I know this trip means a lot to him. It meant freedom, which he might never get to enjoy in his life because of his dad. And freedom meant things that he can do when he is single, and does not have anyone to account to. I know I should let him be. I shouldn't pressure him with anything.
But at the same time, I can't help but to feel jealous that he and Charmaine are spending alone time together, exploring Korea together, the city streets, the street or restaurant food, the scenery, the accommodation, the culture, experiencing everything together. I know I sound crazy now because he doesn't have any commitment with me, so he should be free to do whatever he wants in life with whoever he wants. Even if it means falling for her. My paranoia acting up again :( u know, when people, especially guys, always say that it is difficult for platonic friendships between a girl and a guy to exist. And they are experiencing so many new things for the first time together, spending so much alone time together. I know 2 months sound short, but when I think of how much they are experiencing together, and how much stories and memories they would have together, just the two of them at somewhere faraway from Singapore, I'll feel like giving up. I'm so scared of being heartbroken. I feel like just detaching myself away so I won't feel so affected if I delve in and invest feelings in him. How am I supposed to not feel uneasy and scared :(((((((( plus he isn't talking to me. I know I can just initiate to talk to him, but I just am afraid of falling and delving in further :( so I'll just try my best to continue my life without the need of him.
But sigh. This is precisely where the problem between us is. I am rotating back and forth between wanting and not wanting him. And I guess that's his issue too. That is why we are always stagnant. But after experiencing such a major heartache and tough times during those months, I guess, it shouldn't be so much about pulling through anymore, but more of acting on it. These few months really made me think, feel, and understand a lot. No one else could make me feel the way I do about B. And this time round, I am more certain that I like him, and that I really really wanna spend my life with this person. So, I won't wanna experience another of such a pain and torture I bring upon myself again. I want to make things happen, I wanna make us happen. I don't wanna lose him again and again anymore. So I guess, this is a major turning point in my life, where I really fight for something that I want despite my strongheadedness, ego, pride, and fear.
JIAYOU HUANG WEILING. DON'T LET YOUR FEAR LOSE HIM AGAIN.
Meanwhile, make your own plans for your own life from now. Prepare and have a goal for your future. Stop worrying about him. Do what you want and can do. And just continue with your life. There are other things to worry about, than something that you can't control.
Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. It empties today of its strength.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Dear diary,
I'm feeling so jaded. Met up with husky yesterday and omg I cannot believe that I actually felt nice around his company. Used to be so against him, and I'm amazed at how extreme feelings can change in such a short period of time. And suddenly, I enjoyed and I wanted more of his company. Isn't it strange and unbelievable? I guess it's because of his efforts in still keeping me close even though he already has a gf. Idk if this is inappropriate to say cos he might still be thinking of me even though he has a gf. He would say things like "I still feel quite sour that it's not me" when he asked if I have found the one, and also saying suggestive things like it would be an honour if he could still cook for me, and joking if he could be my stalker, saying that others have good eyesight to have noticed me. And he wanted to meet me over a good meal rather than coming to my workplace for just icecream. And he even asked if I had known him longer, would things have changed between us. Okay, I know he shouldn't be saying or doing all these because he already has a gf. How can he still say or do such things with someone he's liked before. But anyway, on the good side (at least on my side), it just means that what he had for me was real. It was quite unbelievable in the past because I don't believe in "love at first sight". And I doubted how he could be so into me? Besides, he was being so aggressively pushy and forceful in wanting to chase me, doing all sorts of things and going all out just for me, but I didn't even know him well. How could I reciprocate? And how could I not feel guilty and pressurized when I can't reciprocate? So, Idk if I was feeling touched yesterday by his sincerity in really being into me back then (and so I am more interested and motivated to know him more now since what he had for me was real and it should be worth my effort right?) or that it was the sincerity of wanting to be friends? In terms of wanting to be friends, I just find it touching too because most guys who chased me disappeared or even denied anything to do with me after we drew boundaries. But he didn't. He still bothered to put in effort to be friends even though he has a gf. He didn't deny that he liked me in the past just because I pushed him away. He was still concerned for me even though we are just friends. This touched me greatly because it just means that he didn't wanna get to know me just because he wanted to chase me. I really mattered to him as a person rather than just someone he was chasing? I know it was still mainly that back then (cos like what he said, what he had for me was real, but back then it was just a bit hard to just be friends), but he doesn't have any other reason to still keep in contact with me (he was still texting me every now and then to ask about my day and all) now right? So it should be that he really valued me as a person that is why he still bothers to be friends? And it's so rare that anyone would still bother to keep in contact after being rejected u know. There are so many other girls out there, why would this one girl matter so much to them. If they failed, then look somewhere else isn't it. Furthermore, he has a gf to keep him loved and accompanied, why would he bother about some other girl whom he has chased before but didn't reciprocate his feelings, and made him so upset? Unless I am being naive again like what most of my guy friends would tell me, that it is impossible that he wants to keep me as a friend, but more because he isn't all that happy after all in his current rs and is either still trying his luck with me, or having the best of both worlds and not wanting to lose any side (having a gf by status to love and be loved because I can't get together with him, but still keeping me by his side because he isn't as happy as with her). Actually now that this strikes me, I would really love to know and understand more about people who cheat. Like what sis said, maybe this guy whom I told her was cheating felt exactly this way. He did not want to lose any sides because both were important to him. Okay actually after all these thoughts, I think husky is keeping in contact with me still even after he has a gf is not 1) because he really wanted to keep me as a friend, or 2) because he is still trying his luck to chase me, but 3) because he might not be as happy in his current rs and therefore he thought of me and well, since I can't be his gf, if he remained as friends with me, he could at least keep my presence, which probably could make him happier, by his side.
K I'll continue this at night after my work. Gonna go prepare now. Bye!
I'm feeling so jaded. Met up with husky yesterday and omg I cannot believe that I actually felt nice around his company. Used to be so against him, and I'm amazed at how extreme feelings can change in such a short period of time. And suddenly, I enjoyed and I wanted more of his company. Isn't it strange and unbelievable? I guess it's because of his efforts in still keeping me close even though he already has a gf. Idk if this is inappropriate to say cos he might still be thinking of me even though he has a gf. He would say things like "I still feel quite sour that it's not me" when he asked if I have found the one, and also saying suggestive things like it would be an honour if he could still cook for me, and joking if he could be my stalker, saying that others have good eyesight to have noticed me. And he wanted to meet me over a good meal rather than coming to my workplace for just icecream. And he even asked if I had known him longer, would things have changed between us. Okay, I know he shouldn't be saying or doing all these because he already has a gf. How can he still say or do such things with someone he's liked before. But anyway, on the good side (at least on my side), it just means that what he had for me was real. It was quite unbelievable in the past because I don't believe in "love at first sight". And I doubted how he could be so into me? Besides, he was being so aggressively pushy and forceful in wanting to chase me, doing all sorts of things and going all out just for me, but I didn't even know him well. How could I reciprocate? And how could I not feel guilty and pressurized when I can't reciprocate? So, Idk if I was feeling touched yesterday by his sincerity in really being into me back then (and so I am more interested and motivated to know him more now since what he had for me was real and it should be worth my effort right?) or that it was the sincerity of wanting to be friends? In terms of wanting to be friends, I just find it touching too because most guys who chased me disappeared or even denied anything to do with me after we drew boundaries. But he didn't. He still bothered to put in effort to be friends even though he has a gf. He didn't deny that he liked me in the past just because I pushed him away. He was still concerned for me even though we are just friends. This touched me greatly because it just means that he didn't wanna get to know me just because he wanted to chase me. I really mattered to him as a person rather than just someone he was chasing? I know it was still mainly that back then (cos like what he said, what he had for me was real, but back then it was just a bit hard to just be friends), but he doesn't have any other reason to still keep in contact with me (he was still texting me every now and then to ask about my day and all) now right? So it should be that he really valued me as a person that is why he still bothers to be friends? And it's so rare that anyone would still bother to keep in contact after being rejected u know. There are so many other girls out there, why would this one girl matter so much to them. If they failed, then look somewhere else isn't it. Furthermore, he has a gf to keep him loved and accompanied, why would he bother about some other girl whom he has chased before but didn't reciprocate his feelings, and made him so upset? Unless I am being naive again like what most of my guy friends would tell me, that it is impossible that he wants to keep me as a friend, but more because he isn't all that happy after all in his current rs and is either still trying his luck with me, or having the best of both worlds and not wanting to lose any side (having a gf by status to love and be loved because I can't get together with him, but still keeping me by his side because he isn't as happy as with her). Actually now that this strikes me, I would really love to know and understand more about people who cheat. Like what sis said, maybe this guy whom I told her was cheating felt exactly this way. He did not want to lose any sides because both were important to him. Okay actually after all these thoughts, I think husky is keeping in contact with me still even after he has a gf is not 1) because he really wanted to keep me as a friend, or 2) because he is still trying his luck to chase me, but 3) because he might not be as happy in his current rs and therefore he thought of me and well, since I can't be his gf, if he remained as friends with me, he could at least keep my presence, which probably could make him happier, by his side.
K I'll continue this at night after my work. Gonna go prepare now. Bye!
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Sunday, June 08, 2014
Skinny Love - Birdy
Come on skinny love, just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
I told my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my,my, my, my,my, my, my, my,
Right at the moment this order's tall
And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And in the morning, I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines
Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split
And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted
Then who the hell was I?
'Cause now I'm breaking at the bridges
And at the end of all your lines
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall, far behind?
Come on skinny love
Oh, my, my,my, my, my, my,my, my, my, my
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my, my, my,
my, my, my, my
Come on skinny love, just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
I told my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my,my, my, my,my, my, my, my,
Right at the moment this order's tall
And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And in the morning, I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines
Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split
And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted
Then who the hell was I?
'Cause now I'm breaking at the bridges
And at the end of all your lines
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall, far behind?
Come on skinny love
Oh, my, my,my, my, my, my,my, my, my, my
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my, my, my,
my, my, my, my
Dear diary,
It's been a while. I've been good. Still working at udders and quite a lot recently, while looking for a FT job in the mean time. And life's quite great though mundane. And having a bit of cash flow feels good haha as I'm able to indulge in a little bit of good food and pampering.
My love luck's been kinda strong lately too, and I've been dating and getting to know more people. It was liberating at first. But to be honest, no one can replace that feeling of specialness towards B. I still miss him a lot. And when I miss him, I still think about the happy times we shared, and though it would be tears of joyful reminiscence that I'd shed, my heart would ache. And quite terribly. And I'd still wonder what went wrong between us, that sudden distance. And occasionally, I'd have this sudden urge to hug him and tell him how much I miss hearing his voice over the phone, holding his arm and feeling so comfortable beside him, all his lame jokes and retarded self praises of how nice he is to me, all his shyly expressed care and concern which made me feel so special and oh gawd. Too much for me to take it. Can't hold back those pouring tears. How can he just leave my life so suddenly without a word. And why is he pushing me away? What am I to him. What were all that we had? And I had to deal with all the guilt because I made him upset but what about all these that he's doing to me that's making me heartbroken? And I have to pretend to not bother, letting him be, cos sis told me to take things in stride. I really dk if I should continue to not do anything or take control.
I hope he doesn't see these though. It would be major awkward cos I know he isn't one who's very expressive in his emotions, and we don't usually show such emotions to each other too.
Oh wells. I'm tired. Goodnight world.
It's been a while. I've been good. Still working at udders and quite a lot recently, while looking for a FT job in the mean time. And life's quite great though mundane. And having a bit of cash flow feels good haha as I'm able to indulge in a little bit of good food and pampering.
My love luck's been kinda strong lately too, and I've been dating and getting to know more people. It was liberating at first. But to be honest, no one can replace that feeling of specialness towards B. I still miss him a lot. And when I miss him, I still think about the happy times we shared, and though it would be tears of joyful reminiscence that I'd shed, my heart would ache. And quite terribly. And I'd still wonder what went wrong between us, that sudden distance. And occasionally, I'd have this sudden urge to hug him and tell him how much I miss hearing his voice over the phone, holding his arm and feeling so comfortable beside him, all his lame jokes and retarded self praises of how nice he is to me, all his shyly expressed care and concern which made me feel so special and oh gawd. Too much for me to take it. Can't hold back those pouring tears. How can he just leave my life so suddenly without a word. And why is he pushing me away? What am I to him. What were all that we had? And I had to deal with all the guilt because I made him upset but what about all these that he's doing to me that's making me heartbroken? And I have to pretend to not bother, letting him be, cos sis told me to take things in stride. I really dk if I should continue to not do anything or take control.
I hope he doesn't see these though. It would be major awkward cos I know he isn't one who's very expressive in his emotions, and we don't usually show such emotions to each other too.
Oh wells. I'm tired. Goodnight world.