Stupid stupid stupid. Sometimes men are just plain stupid. Dumb dumb dumb. And brain of a square. Also taking goodwill for granted. Why shojld i spoonfeed u like a little child? Should just let u taste the consequences for your lack of effort. Ugh annoying. Annoying annoying annoying.
Breathe breathe breathe. Cool down, get distracted. And just sleep. Not worth my time.
I'm so stressed. So frustrated. So angry. So upset. So unhappy.
I'm turning 32 in 2 days' time and I don't feel happy at all. It's been such a trying year. It's been such a tiring year. And it' the saddest birthday of my life.
Dear God, when are you gonna give me a break? I know I do make mistakes but this is just too much shit to take in. I can be strong but I am so tired.
I miss my mum and dad.
Updates (31 Dec)
Things are much better. More at peace. I thank whoever is up there for making life more at ease for me. Thank you. At least I have the mental capacity to feel better and self care for a bit now. I feel mentally lighter. And there are days I feel happier. Thank you. Always rem to love yourself.
Dear diary,
I dont know how long I can take this. It's getting too much for my mental state.
I wish I can just run away to a happy and worryless place. I wish to just hide and not face anyone or anything.
Why am I being punished for something I did not even do at all? Why am I giving up so much of my wellbeing to fulfill that of his? I love him but that's a little too much isn't it? I keep thinking of what Rebecca posted on IG about emotional tanks of children. "If we were to fill their emotional tank, then who is to fill ours?" It is so relatable. If I keep filling his tank, then who is to fill mine?
I'm so sandwiched. I really don't feel like talking to him or engaging him. Doesn't mean that I don't love him. I do. I'm just tired of all these shit. All these negativity. My emotional tank is almost empty.
Signing off,
Me
Dear diary,
It's so tough. If God is testing my strength, am I not strong enough yet?
It is tough trying to lift my loved one up, while fighting with the longing for my interests.
How can I do this? I love him but I do have my own tank to fill. It's heartbreaking to see him wallow in sadness and anger all the time. And tiring for me to face that negativity and idealistic expectations all the time. Also, I can't be running on an empty tank right?
Please grant me wisdom and the fighting spirit. To help me pull through this.
Thank u.
Weiling
Weiling
Dear diary,
It's been a roller coaster ride. Humans can really be as tough as a rock sometimes. And im just so amazed by how my mental strength can be.
In short, this year's been a test to how much my mental and emotional capacity can take. Being pregnant. And coping with life changes as bb's mom passed and we had to adult so much faster to take care of his dad.
It was and is still really tough. Especially when the 2 of us are still starting our own lives, building and discovering so much, life throws us a huge blow. As much as I know I have to adult one day, I really do miss being the carefree weiling that I was. I have no complains about my life right now, but I really do miss being happy you know.
I've always been putting up this strong front in front of bb, because u can't afford 2 people feeling discontented and moody about life everyday. I have to and want to be the one that lifts him up. Because I do believe that there's so much to be happy about in life. Just that somehow I've parked it somewhere because of the amount of responsibilities I feel I have to take. I often ask myself, is if a have to or is it I think I have to?
I miss my playful and fun self. My social self. Somehow ive lost it. And I really wanna find it back. But how? I really wanna do things that I enjoy. I've always dreamt of going to the beach again, or being with nature again, going on outdoor adventures again. That is what makes me feel alive. But how? I wanna be bold and expressive once again. It makes me feel so liberated. But how? Can I chase after these again?
I miss connecting with bb. Pouring our hearts out. Bring intimate both emotionally and physically. But how? I don't wanna be caught up with the should dos and have to dos until I suddenly die and leave the world. Despite the world being full of sufferings, but there's still so much that I want to do or experience. I don't wanna die unhappy.
I wish bb would have this enlightenment too. So he'll be happier.
In the meantime, maybe I just need to reconnect, recalibrate, and feel alive again. I'll try.
Love,
Weiling
