Dear diary,
Out of a sudden, I feel that I've become so hardhearted. It seems like after I experienced that breakthrough moment of detachment from missing and needing B's presence in my life, I have grown to be unfeeling towards my relation with everyone around me. As I was typing a birthday message to A, the 1st ex bf, today, I actually spent close to twenty minutes, in an attempt to draft the most ideal message, which is the most sincere and personal, to him. I gave up in the end, accepting that the message (still a very general one) was the best shot that I could afford. Omg can you believe it? I actually had to wreck my brain just for a birthday message. And as I thought about how to sound more sincere and personal, I could not feel anything to do with him even though we hold memories of so much beautiful and upsetting times together. I just could not. Not like he'll care any bit, since we are history, like old old old history. But I just thought that something seems wrong with me -___- I can't feel. Even if I do, I'll be like.. oh okay I'm all well again the next instant. But nevertheless, I somehow could finally feel what sis told me about being comfortable alone. I did not feel the need to have romance or the company of friends out of a sudden and it's just strange because I used to be such a needy and dependent person on the company of friends (like having someone to hang out with or just chat with to kill my boredom. I just needed a friend's presence) or romance (even the least like having someone to flirt with). I used to feel empty because I was left with much alone time. My whatsapp barely had time to be quiet. But now, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I feel lazy to socialize and do not find the urge to want to, and I am perfectly fine with having no one ring my whatsapp for the whole day. I wonder if that's good or bad.
I have plans to surprise B before he flies off to Korea for summer semester, since I can't be around to celebrate his birthday on the actual day. I wonder what will the consequences be. I wonder what he would feel and think of all these. I actually thought so much, to the point of questioning myself the reasons behind doing all these for him. In fact, after the act of wanting to draft the most ideal message to A, it seems like I'm trying very hard to let others leave the best impression of me, isn't it? Or rather, I'm trying to prove to myself that I can make a difference in something that I think I can be in control of. Dreamy idealist, as what T would call it. Perhaps T is right. I just want everything to be ideal and the best of what they can be, and as long as something is within my control, or at least I would think they are, I would want to do something to achieve that idealistic outcome eventually. Oh wells, stop thinking. Back to essay writing. Jiayou! Complete it and you can start with your revision!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Hi. Just saw his photos tagged on fb, of his involvement in that busy mod. He seems happy. And all that appreciation stuff that their teacher enforced in the class is really heartwarming, as seen from the photographs of involvement of the students including him. But and again, it's not that I want to be needy, it's just that it really seems highly doubtful to others if they are really doing those acts of appreciation (by presenting their mortals with random gifts on a personal level as a role of their angels) from the bottom of their hearts or is it just for the sake of pleasing others in this mod? Cos if they've learnt from this practice to appreciate others by showing little acts of giving and love, why is he not applying it to others out of his mod who are important to him to begin with?
I understand that he is preoccupied with commitment in that mod and he might not have thought of wanting to spend time with others out of his mod, neglecting them unknowingly. I still feel sour about that though cos if he really values me, it would show through his efforts of at least a text of a random thought of me or at least of gratitude to the cornflakes I made for everyone which included him too right. How hard is it to drop one a text albeit the busyness if one really wanted to? But well, at least I can convince myself to let this go because he has greater priorities. What I don't understand is his coldness towards me whom he used to hold dear to.
I guess he hasn't realize that he's beginning to lose the moon while counting the stars. I'll try for one last time to reach out to him after exams. But if he appears to be hostile or cold again for idk what reason, or continue to seem oblivious that he has neglected others while enjoying time with his current new friends even after his busy mod ends, I am walking away. And if that happens, all I can say is that, maybe we are not meant for each other. If we are, we will come together again at a later point in time. But I would not hold any hopes of being with him romantically anymore. Because I believe that as long as two people are meant for each other, they will start off by wanting to, and the universe will conspire in helping them find each other again no matter how long and how much obstacles they are parted with. I think after all these, I have finally come to that stage of ultimate detachment, where a negative and torturous kind of missing someone has become that which is positive and look-back-and-smile. I guess that is how I know I am ready to move on completely.
But something that I will take away from this though, is to live in the moment. Cos I've always wondered if things would have taken on a different path if I appeared to be more receptive and taken more initiative towards him, because maybe we both wanted to at the same point in time but didn't react (who knows if things might have been different if I'd taken a bolder step ahead), which caused our path to diverge completely when the change of desire in either of us happens, preventing the universe from continuing to help us get together. Oh wells, don't regret anything though, but learn from your mistakes, girl. You never know how your future is like with him, particularly whether both your lives will intertwine with that specialness again. But even if you don't, you have to look forward, and make your experience with the next awesome guy you come across, one who makes both your hearts flutter, a better one.
I understand that he is preoccupied with commitment in that mod and he might not have thought of wanting to spend time with others out of his mod, neglecting them unknowingly. I still feel sour about that though cos if he really values me, it would show through his efforts of at least a text of a random thought of me or at least of gratitude to the cornflakes I made for everyone which included him too right. How hard is it to drop one a text albeit the busyness if one really wanted to? But well, at least I can convince myself to let this go because he has greater priorities. What I don't understand is his coldness towards me whom he used to hold dear to.
I guess he hasn't realize that he's beginning to lose the moon while counting the stars. I'll try for one last time to reach out to him after exams. But if he appears to be hostile or cold again for idk what reason, or continue to seem oblivious that he has neglected others while enjoying time with his current new friends even after his busy mod ends, I am walking away. And if that happens, all I can say is that, maybe we are not meant for each other. If we are, we will come together again at a later point in time. But I would not hold any hopes of being with him romantically anymore. Because I believe that as long as two people are meant for each other, they will start off by wanting to, and the universe will conspire in helping them find each other again no matter how long and how much obstacles they are parted with. I think after all these, I have finally come to that stage of ultimate detachment, where a negative and torturous kind of missing someone has become that which is positive and look-back-and-smile. I guess that is how I know I am ready to move on completely.
But something that I will take away from this though, is to live in the moment. Cos I've always wondered if things would have taken on a different path if I appeared to be more receptive and taken more initiative towards him, because maybe we both wanted to at the same point in time but didn't react (who knows if things might have been different if I'd taken a bolder step ahead), which caused our path to diverge completely when the change of desire in either of us happens, preventing the universe from continuing to help us get together. Oh wells, don't regret anything though, but learn from your mistakes, girl. You never know how your future is like with him, particularly whether both your lives will intertwine with that specialness again. But even if you don't, you have to look forward, and make your experience with the next awesome guy you come across, one who makes both your hearts flutter, a better one.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Dear diary,
As I'm sitting at this really quiet and peaceful place by a fountain that's opp the istana, I'm reflecting on the attitude that B has been showing. It's really pretty here at night by the way.
Okay anyway, to speak the truth, when I replied his random whatsapp of asking me if there was good food around my area, and towards the back saying I miss him because it's been so long I haven't seen him and that if only I didn't have work on that day I could've met him since he was playing badminton nearby, the response that he gave was a total heart stabber. "Oh! Too bad then! I'll see you another time". Is that how someone who was once like your brother and a good friend will treat you? They always say that nothing else but kinship lasts. Now I (Oh my gawd. A North Indian guy just came up to and tried to hit on me wth. He asked if I'm from spore and if he could sit down beside me. Told him I was leaving and then he self introduced. 'Hi I am James, you are?' Wth. And I said again that I am leaving and then he apologized. 'Sorry about that. Sorry'. Luckily he didn't dare do anything to me. Wth I was sitting just by the main road and there were 2 other young guys smoking a distance away. Wth did this man think he was trying to do?! Madness).
Okay anyway. Because B is not my real brother afterall, that's why he was willing to give up our ties? And I've always thought that he's different from other guys. One of a kind. Because of his unconditional love that he's shown towards me, unlike most other guys who disappear from my life when smth to do w romantic rs screws up, regardless of whether or not they were my friends to begin with. Before all these coldness during xmas, I wrote a card to B, alongside with the love charm of which he really or at least appeared to have treasured, that he was the first guy who didn't have any motive on me (cos he has never attempted to take advantage of me or turn anything between us into something sexual even though we were really close). I thought he was a friend who could stay in my life (even if things were to turn romantic and screw up along the way). I thought he wasn't a come and go friend. I thought our relationship (and I say relationship because it is somewhere more than just a friendship but not to the stage of a romantic relationship) would be stronger than this. He even once told T and the guys that he thought that I would be the only one who will stay in his life. That was why I saw more confidence in us. But all that are happening now seem to mean that I've thought wrong. Or is it that people just change? Now, it seems like all that was in the past was only because he needed people by his side.
In short, I was the comfort that he needed and that perhaps nobody else could provide him with, and he didn't want to risk losing that sense of comfort that came hard and so, made up his mind to be cautious about not going into anything romantic or sexual with me just in case anything screws up (which is more likely to happen than in a platonic friendship). And all those ups and downs with him were our struggles I suppose. While doing all sorts of special things for me, perhaps he was also confused if he merely wanted to keep me as an important friend who could provide that source of comfort that he needed to him, or not to be shameless but really, if he had already fallen for me. But now that he has found himself a new group of friends that he's comfortable with, I guess that is why he's enjoying himself too much that he doesn't even mind losing that initial source of comfort in me anymore. Because by drifting apart and detaching from me (and very timely by using "busy" as an excuse since he really is caught up with that mod which requires so much time and effort investment), he could be spared from that struggle because he now has found a new source of comfort which he doesn't have to invest so much emotions in with knowing that they can more safely just be friends (cos from the intimacy, any dumbass could tell our friendship was really more than just friends, but theirs, consisting of three people, does give off the bro vibe instead).
Oh wells, I should stop blaming myself, thinking that it's cos of me hiding things from him at the start of this semester, which caused his hurt and broken of trust in me. Because if he'd really valued me as a person, why would such I shouldn't say trivial but more of just a one-off incident just break apart whatever that we shared and held close and precious? I believe that it shouldn't and wouldn't have been so fragile if I really meant something to him even up till now. But his attitude of seeming like he didn't want to talk to me even after I told him that I miss him just says it all. He might think that I sounded insincere because if I'd missed him, I would've long ago contacted him, and not only tell him that I miss him when he texted me to ask me abt smth general. But should that be the priority? If he really valued me, why would he allow himself to be calculative and petty over that "insincerity"? Unless his guard of being wary of me is up again. But I doubt so. That's why maybe I don't mean as much or at all to him anymore. And I don't wanna force it out of him, because sometimes when things and people change, they just do and nothing good will come out of anything that's forced.
I guess I'm gonna accept it that whatever that we had is gonna be the most that we would've and could've gone through together. And I shall close this chapter and move on completely. Yes I would still love to keep him by my side as a friend and I would try to because he's been a great person to me even as a friend, unless he pushes me away, but I will move on from hoping and wanting us to blossom into anything more already. It's time, to walk away.
Nights world.
"Find a song not that you like to sing, but one that suits you singing, bringing out the best in both you who sing, and him who is sung".
As I'm sitting at this really quiet and peaceful place by a fountain that's opp the istana, I'm reflecting on the attitude that B has been showing. It's really pretty here at night by the way.
Okay anyway, to speak the truth, when I replied his random whatsapp of asking me if there was good food around my area, and towards the back saying I miss him because it's been so long I haven't seen him and that if only I didn't have work on that day I could've met him since he was playing badminton nearby, the response that he gave was a total heart stabber. "Oh! Too bad then! I'll see you another time". Is that how someone who was once like your brother and a good friend will treat you? They always say that nothing else but kinship lasts. Now I (Oh my gawd. A North Indian guy just came up to and tried to hit on me wth. He asked if I'm from spore and if he could sit down beside me. Told him I was leaving and then he self introduced. 'Hi I am James, you are?' Wth. And I said again that I am leaving and then he apologized. 'Sorry about that. Sorry'. Luckily he didn't dare do anything to me. Wth I was sitting just by the main road and there were 2 other young guys smoking a distance away. Wth did this man think he was trying to do?! Madness).
Okay anyway. Because B is not my real brother afterall, that's why he was willing to give up our ties? And I've always thought that he's different from other guys. One of a kind. Because of his unconditional love that he's shown towards me, unlike most other guys who disappear from my life when smth to do w romantic rs screws up, regardless of whether or not they were my friends to begin with. Before all these coldness during xmas, I wrote a card to B, alongside with the love charm of which he really or at least appeared to have treasured, that he was the first guy who didn't have any motive on me (cos he has never attempted to take advantage of me or turn anything between us into something sexual even though we were really close). I thought he was a friend who could stay in my life (even if things were to turn romantic and screw up along the way). I thought he wasn't a come and go friend. I thought our relationship (and I say relationship because it is somewhere more than just a friendship but not to the stage of a romantic relationship) would be stronger than this. He even once told T and the guys that he thought that I would be the only one who will stay in his life. That was why I saw more confidence in us. But all that are happening now seem to mean that I've thought wrong. Or is it that people just change? Now, it seems like all that was in the past was only because he needed people by his side.
In short, I was the comfort that he needed and that perhaps nobody else could provide him with, and he didn't want to risk losing that sense of comfort that came hard and so, made up his mind to be cautious about not going into anything romantic or sexual with me just in case anything screws up (which is more likely to happen than in a platonic friendship). And all those ups and downs with him were our struggles I suppose. While doing all sorts of special things for me, perhaps he was also confused if he merely wanted to keep me as an important friend who could provide that source of comfort that he needed to him, or not to be shameless but really, if he had already fallen for me. But now that he has found himself a new group of friends that he's comfortable with, I guess that is why he's enjoying himself too much that he doesn't even mind losing that initial source of comfort in me anymore. Because by drifting apart and detaching from me (and very timely by using "busy" as an excuse since he really is caught up with that mod which requires so much time and effort investment), he could be spared from that struggle because he now has found a new source of comfort which he doesn't have to invest so much emotions in with knowing that they can more safely just be friends (cos from the intimacy, any dumbass could tell our friendship was really more than just friends, but theirs, consisting of three people, does give off the bro vibe instead).
Oh wells, I should stop blaming myself, thinking that it's cos of me hiding things from him at the start of this semester, which caused his hurt and broken of trust in me. Because if he'd really valued me as a person, why would such I shouldn't say trivial but more of just a one-off incident just break apart whatever that we shared and held close and precious? I believe that it shouldn't and wouldn't have been so fragile if I really meant something to him even up till now. But his attitude of seeming like he didn't want to talk to me even after I told him that I miss him just says it all. He might think that I sounded insincere because if I'd missed him, I would've long ago contacted him, and not only tell him that I miss him when he texted me to ask me abt smth general. But should that be the priority? If he really valued me, why would he allow himself to be calculative and petty over that "insincerity"? Unless his guard of being wary of me is up again. But I doubt so. That's why maybe I don't mean as much or at all to him anymore. And I don't wanna force it out of him, because sometimes when things and people change, they just do and nothing good will come out of anything that's forced.
I guess I'm gonna accept it that whatever that we had is gonna be the most that we would've and could've gone through together. And I shall close this chapter and move on completely. Yes I would still love to keep him by my side as a friend and I would try to because he's been a great person to me even as a friend, unless he pushes me away, but I will move on from hoping and wanting us to blossom into anything more already. It's time, to walk away.
Nights world.
"Find a song not that you like to sing, but one that suits you singing, bringing out the best in both you who sing, and him who is sung".
Wednesday, April 09, 2014
Dear diary,
It's been a while. And I've been trying to keep myself positive all these while. I tried, very hard, to let myself see the brighter side of things and life, using Yeecheng as my source of inspiration and role model. Not sure if I should say that I've been quite successful at not taking things to heart, or that I've just been good at repressing my unhappy feelings and emotions.
I still miss B. Very much it is. And looking at the occasional pictures he's tagged in on fb, the only source of update I do get about his life now, I can't help but to wonder, and wreck my brain to think, why did he not contact me all these while? Amidst his really busy life during this semester, has he not thought of me at all? Has he not thought of wanting to ask how I have been all these while? Is it just because he is plain busy and hence prioritized his work and has put everything else aside, or is it also because he has already gotten detached from me entirely from the hurt I caused by keeping things from him just before this happened? If it was the former, that nothing has changed between us, and I am still that precious and important person to him, why hadn't he dropped me a text at least? Am I not worth an effort of a text to at least keep in touch while he is busy? I feel as though I lost him, just overnight, without even knowing the reason why. I can't wait to end this semester so that I can talk to him and find out why. But if it was the latter, that I was the one who caused him to detach from me by hiding things from him before this, I really wished there was something that I could do to make it up to him. The worst thing of all is that, it is none of the above, because maybe he's totally detached from me because we just did, and that because I was never as important as I thought I was to him, that all that we shared was just something insignificant to him that what we had can just be broken into millions of pieces with just time.
It really hurts. To miss someone so terribly yet not being able to see him, touch him, or hear his voice at all. And I really wish to just let it go. But at the same time, I did not try to even reach out to him to find out why, and letting go without even trying to know the reason what caused the change in us so suddenly should be the last thing that I should do.
I keep telling myself to have faith. I keep reminding myself to believe in him and in our friendship that it is not that fragile, because of the chemistry, the connection and specialness that both of us shared. I keep telling myself to not overthink. To not just focus on the negative and forget about everything else. But it's really a struggle. I know it's my fault for not reaching out to him when I want to know what happened between us, but I feel vulnerable. And I just don't want to disturb him if to him, it was really nothing but plain busy to him that he didn't contact me at all. I don't want to appear needy. Yet I know it shouldn't be an issue of being needy because as long as it bothers me, it is a concern, regardless of whether or not he senses the same. My concern shouldn't be dismissed just because maybe he didn't sense the same. So I can only have myself to blame then since there was something that I could do (though it involves a risk of being vulnerable) yet I chose not to. Sigh. In fact, it all boils down to pride. I wish I could put aside my pride and just be vulnerable. Like what Oli said, people don't want to initiate texting the other first because they are afraid to be vulnerable, because by texting first would just suggest that they care about things more. And she followed by saying that we shouldn't be afraid to show that we care more because that's how loving a person should be.
That's why the struggle in me. I guess for now I should just stop ruminating on the sadness because at least I'm still lucky I still have the choice of acting and there are still hopes of the benefit of doubt, unlike Oli who has already tried almost all means and come to a conclusion that Mik has chosen to walk away no matter what she did. Just focus on this last lap, hang in there since I've already done so for so long, and then address the issue with him after that. At least I'm not letting myself down because I acted, and I tried. Yeecheng told me he finds that I don't really like B as a person, but his traits and of course certain memories that we shared together. And he said that he thinks I'm likely to not be someone who is willing to begin a chapter 2 with B, but to end the chapter 1 of what we had. Well, I guess before I make any decision, I would want to give us a chance still to first find out how he feels. He has his own life to lead now, one which can't possibly involve me in everything like how we did before when proximity allowed us to. But anyway, like what I told him before, I still believe that a relationship takes mutual efforts to sustain. And I trust that if our affinity is meant to last, it will and with that, we will want to put in the effort no matter what obstacles come forth. And doors of opportunities will still be opened if we were meant to last. So I shouldn't blame myself for not acting or acting wrongly, because as long as both of us value this, it will never be too late.
Unless he doesn't value this relation of ours, then I guess this is not worth so much of my time and effort anymore. But first of all, girl, before you make any conclusion that he doesn't value this, prove to him that he's really important to you, that you really want to keep him in your life, and you're worth his efforts.
Press on.
Get a grip on yourself.
Let Yeecheng's positivity, faith, hope, courage, determination, and confidence spread to you.
You can do this, girl.
It's been a while. And I've been trying to keep myself positive all these while. I tried, very hard, to let myself see the brighter side of things and life, using Yeecheng as my source of inspiration and role model. Not sure if I should say that I've been quite successful at not taking things to heart, or that I've just been good at repressing my unhappy feelings and emotions.
I still miss B. Very much it is. And looking at the occasional pictures he's tagged in on fb, the only source of update I do get about his life now, I can't help but to wonder, and wreck my brain to think, why did he not contact me all these while? Amidst his really busy life during this semester, has he not thought of me at all? Has he not thought of wanting to ask how I have been all these while? Is it just because he is plain busy and hence prioritized his work and has put everything else aside, or is it also because he has already gotten detached from me entirely from the hurt I caused by keeping things from him just before this happened? If it was the former, that nothing has changed between us, and I am still that precious and important person to him, why hadn't he dropped me a text at least? Am I not worth an effort of a text to at least keep in touch while he is busy? I feel as though I lost him, just overnight, without even knowing the reason why. I can't wait to end this semester so that I can talk to him and find out why. But if it was the latter, that I was the one who caused him to detach from me by hiding things from him before this, I really wished there was something that I could do to make it up to him. The worst thing of all is that, it is none of the above, because maybe he's totally detached from me because we just did, and that because I was never as important as I thought I was to him, that all that we shared was just something insignificant to him that what we had can just be broken into millions of pieces with just time.
It really hurts. To miss someone so terribly yet not being able to see him, touch him, or hear his voice at all. And I really wish to just let it go. But at the same time, I did not try to even reach out to him to find out why, and letting go without even trying to know the reason what caused the change in us so suddenly should be the last thing that I should do.
I keep telling myself to have faith. I keep reminding myself to believe in him and in our friendship that it is not that fragile, because of the chemistry, the connection and specialness that both of us shared. I keep telling myself to not overthink. To not just focus on the negative and forget about everything else. But it's really a struggle. I know it's my fault for not reaching out to him when I want to know what happened between us, but I feel vulnerable. And I just don't want to disturb him if to him, it was really nothing but plain busy to him that he didn't contact me at all. I don't want to appear needy. Yet I know it shouldn't be an issue of being needy because as long as it bothers me, it is a concern, regardless of whether or not he senses the same. My concern shouldn't be dismissed just because maybe he didn't sense the same. So I can only have myself to blame then since there was something that I could do (though it involves a risk of being vulnerable) yet I chose not to. Sigh. In fact, it all boils down to pride. I wish I could put aside my pride and just be vulnerable. Like what Oli said, people don't want to initiate texting the other first because they are afraid to be vulnerable, because by texting first would just suggest that they care about things more. And she followed by saying that we shouldn't be afraid to show that we care more because that's how loving a person should be.
That's why the struggle in me. I guess for now I should just stop ruminating on the sadness because at least I'm still lucky I still have the choice of acting and there are still hopes of the benefit of doubt, unlike Oli who has already tried almost all means and come to a conclusion that Mik has chosen to walk away no matter what she did. Just focus on this last lap, hang in there since I've already done so for so long, and then address the issue with him after that. At least I'm not letting myself down because I acted, and I tried. Yeecheng told me he finds that I don't really like B as a person, but his traits and of course certain memories that we shared together. And he said that he thinks I'm likely to not be someone who is willing to begin a chapter 2 with B, but to end the chapter 1 of what we had. Well, I guess before I make any decision, I would want to give us a chance still to first find out how he feels. He has his own life to lead now, one which can't possibly involve me in everything like how we did before when proximity allowed us to. But anyway, like what I told him before, I still believe that a relationship takes mutual efforts to sustain. And I trust that if our affinity is meant to last, it will and with that, we will want to put in the effort no matter what obstacles come forth. And doors of opportunities will still be opened if we were meant to last. So I shouldn't blame myself for not acting or acting wrongly, because as long as both of us value this, it will never be too late.
Unless he doesn't value this relation of ours, then I guess this is not worth so much of my time and effort anymore. But first of all, girl, before you make any conclusion that he doesn't value this, prove to him that he's really important to you, that you really want to keep him in your life, and you're worth his efforts.
Press on.
Get a grip on yourself.
Let Yeecheng's positivity, faith, hope, courage, determination, and confidence spread to you.
You can do this, girl.
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
Dear diary,
I.. don't really know how I should feel right now. I really really wanna feel happy for him because it seems like he's having such a great time with his circle of friends in his faculty while working hard for his mod. And I should feel proud of him that he's doing and giving so much to others in the society, and that he's producing such outstanding performance in that mod. I know I should. Because he's important to me. Someone whom I love. And I want the best for him. Girl, remember all how heartaching you'd felt when he was the sad, lonely, negative, pessimistic and helpless person he used to be, and all you'd wanted is to see that smile on his face and for him to be happy? Now that he seems to be happy and smiley most of the time, and is surrounded by his own supportive close friends whom he's finally found, I should feel happy for him.
But the selfish side of me just can't help but to feel really upset at the same time because while he is leading such a meaningful and enriched life, I cannot he involved in a single life event of his. I'm so tempted to find fault in him for neglecting me, but he is not obliged to shower me with attention anyway. N i shouldn't blame him because he has the reason to be that busy and caught up with his school work anyway. This is he being work oriented and having that said, it's a strength. It's a rare trait that's commendable. But I really can't help but to feel upset. I know I shouldn't be selfish and seek his attention when he is so caught up with his work. And he's not obliged to.
But I feel so tired of missing him. Sometimes I just wanna dial that familiar 8 digits and just hear his voice. Just 5 minutes would be sufficient. And the selfish me would just wanna scold and blame him for forgetting about me by not looking me up while he's busy, but which I know I can't. And I don't wanna disturb him. What if he was busy doing his project? What if he was having an important discussion with his friends? So many what ifs. And in the end, I chose to keep my mind occupied by keeping myself busy with work and school and other friends. I'm constantly trying to surpress how much I miss him and that really sucks.
I feel miserable, which I don't want to. I guess out of all the ups and downs that we've faced, this is the most terrible and heartaching. This is the longest time ever that we haven't talked and it really sucks. Sucks so much that I just wanna let go and walk away. I miss the happy me. I miss my own smiles and laughter. And for missing him, my smiles and laughter have been in their shadow for so long. I know I could've reached out to him more if I longed for him.
One reason for myself to blame is that I don't reach out to him and show that I want or miss him. All I do is to put up a strong front and treat him like a oh-hey-hi friend. But Idk how to suddenly show that vulnerable and needy side of me to him. Initially I was feeling guilty for not initiating to strike conversations with him and keep him updated with my life cos of how he was upset when he was kept out of the loop. But now, I guess the guilt has disappeared cos he doesn't seem to be bothered by it anymore. Instead, he seemed pretty occupied happily with activities in and people from his mod. And prolly that's why I feel like I'm being kept out of the loop too and that we don't owe each other anything anymore.
And then I keep telling myself to have faith in him and our "relationship" because he's proven to me so many times that we are capable of withstanding adversities. He's shown me countless times how much our friendship meant to him by going the extra mile for me despite the fact that he would ocassionally be overly engrossed with his work during a period before that. But it's so tough, to have that faith. And it's even tougher this time round, because this is the longest time ever that we haven't been talking. I'm tired of missing him, but I'm more afraid to have lost him. I know having said that, the more I should act on it, and fight for it. But I don't have that strength, determination and motivation. And that stupid pride and fear. I just wanna let these stupid things go.
I.. don't really know how I should feel right now. I really really wanna feel happy for him because it seems like he's having such a great time with his circle of friends in his faculty while working hard for his mod. And I should feel proud of him that he's doing and giving so much to others in the society, and that he's producing such outstanding performance in that mod. I know I should. Because he's important to me. Someone whom I love. And I want the best for him. Girl, remember all how heartaching you'd felt when he was the sad, lonely, negative, pessimistic and helpless person he used to be, and all you'd wanted is to see that smile on his face and for him to be happy? Now that he seems to be happy and smiley most of the time, and is surrounded by his own supportive close friends whom he's finally found, I should feel happy for him.
But the selfish side of me just can't help but to feel really upset at the same time because while he is leading such a meaningful and enriched life, I cannot he involved in a single life event of his. I'm so tempted to find fault in him for neglecting me, but he is not obliged to shower me with attention anyway. N i shouldn't blame him because he has the reason to be that busy and caught up with his school work anyway. This is he being work oriented and having that said, it's a strength. It's a rare trait that's commendable. But I really can't help but to feel upset. I know I shouldn't be selfish and seek his attention when he is so caught up with his work. And he's not obliged to.
But I feel so tired of missing him. Sometimes I just wanna dial that familiar 8 digits and just hear his voice. Just 5 minutes would be sufficient. And the selfish me would just wanna scold and blame him for forgetting about me by not looking me up while he's busy, but which I know I can't. And I don't wanna disturb him. What if he was busy doing his project? What if he was having an important discussion with his friends? So many what ifs. And in the end, I chose to keep my mind occupied by keeping myself busy with work and school and other friends. I'm constantly trying to surpress how much I miss him and that really sucks.
I feel miserable, which I don't want to. I guess out of all the ups and downs that we've faced, this is the most terrible and heartaching. This is the longest time ever that we haven't talked and it really sucks. Sucks so much that I just wanna let go and walk away. I miss the happy me. I miss my own smiles and laughter. And for missing him, my smiles and laughter have been in their shadow for so long. I know I could've reached out to him more if I longed for him.
One reason for myself to blame is that I don't reach out to him and show that I want or miss him. All I do is to put up a strong front and treat him like a oh-hey-hi friend. But Idk how to suddenly show that vulnerable and needy side of me to him. Initially I was feeling guilty for not initiating to strike conversations with him and keep him updated with my life cos of how he was upset when he was kept out of the loop. But now, I guess the guilt has disappeared cos he doesn't seem to be bothered by it anymore. Instead, he seemed pretty occupied happily with activities in and people from his mod. And prolly that's why I feel like I'm being kept out of the loop too and that we don't owe each other anything anymore.
And then I keep telling myself to have faith in him and our "relationship" because he's proven to me so many times that we are capable of withstanding adversities. He's shown me countless times how much our friendship meant to him by going the extra mile for me despite the fact that he would ocassionally be overly engrossed with his work during a period before that. But it's so tough, to have that faith. And it's even tougher this time round, because this is the longest time ever that we haven't been talking. I'm tired of missing him, but I'm more afraid to have lost him. I know having said that, the more I should act on it, and fight for it. But I don't have that strength, determination and motivation. And that stupid pride and fear. I just wanna let these stupid things go.