OMG diary. OMG. I actually looked for B yesterday, and told him about my feelings. Like after knowing him for 3 years. And it all turned out to be so good. I mean, I can't say for sure the outcome is gonna be how I imagine it to be (that is, being together with him), but I am almost all confident that he feels something for me.

Right, I shall begin with the story. So, I met him up last Saturday, and I felt so lucky because the rest couldn't make it for our gathering, that was why I had the chance to meet him up alone. It's really hard to meet up with him because it's either him or me who is busy. And the feeling I had was just, amazing. I thought after not talking to or even seeing him for ages, we wouldn't be as close as we were. I was even regretting my decision to ask him out before I met him because I was dead beat. But when we met, this thought just seemed silly because everything just fell right into place. That gaze, touch, voice, and just that vibe. It made me feel like I'd known them for millions of years. They were just, so familiar.

He made me laugh, as always. And whenever he is around, I am so comfortable. That tearing down of my skepticism, that falling into his "embrace", that comfort.. they are just indescribable. Everything that we say, they just fall into place. And the best thing is that, they didn't even require any conscious effort. I really love this. Really. I have never experienced such comfort and happiness with anyone I've met. And Idk how to convince him of this. Especially when I'm someone who isn't really that proficient in my vocab. But I can feel it. He gives me this feeling that nobody else can.

So yup, he was so so sweet on that day. Firstly, he said that it was impossible for him to not wear a cap out if he doesn't style his hair. But when he appeared, he did so with unstyled hair. And when I asked, he said this. "Because you said don't style my hair." Goodness. MY HEART MELTED. And he invited me up to his place to get the korean stuff that he got for the group. So I went (I was the one who wanted to get the stuff though). But the thought of inviting me up to his place, ending up in his room, was so intimate. I wished I could've stayed but I had to meet a biker guy for supper. And while I was there, we were disturbing each other as usual, all the tickling and teasing. It just felt like who was this person who made me SO IN LOVE. When he took out a book with cats on the cover, my heart melted for the hundredth time. He told me that he got an additional present just for me only. Dear diary, how can anyone be such a sweet little thing. At that instant, I thought, I could just hug him till forever.

And most importantly, how agitated he was when he I refused to show him how the biker guy looked.. It was just cute. He even said that he wanted to spy on him and I if I refused to show it to him, and that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep if I hadn't shown it to him (which I didn't eventually anyway haha. Told him it was meaningless but he just got so agitated still. In fact, I just didn't wanna show it to him because I thought he was better looking anyway and I didn't see much significance in the biker guy anyway.)

Right, so that day was simply amazing. With him by my side, I felt like I could do just anything (okay not literally anything but I can totally be a pampered little girl and let my guards down) because I know I am protected with him around. I feel safe. I feel doted on. I feel loved.

So anyway, I began that little obsession over him. Everyday since last Saturday, every moment he was on my mind. Okay this sounds creepy but I was just thinking about us, like seriously thinking. In the past I might have been thinking a lot too (sometimes overly thinking), but I just feel like this time round I've matured? I don't just ruminate, but I consider action options seriously. So, I knew I had to do something. Like seriously finally not just talk but DO IT. If I'd wanted him, I have to step up. How can I ever let someone so amazing go? I will never forgive myself if I'd let him go. Especially when I met up with a friend of mine who used to like me back in the poly days, and also when husky texted me all over again (with all his trying so hard to impress intentions), the more I feel turned off and the more I feel the strong attraction towards B. The presence of the other guys just drew me closer to B. So I finally mustered all that courage, and decided to meet him no matter what. I KNEW, I HAD TO LET HIM KNOW. I had to open up myself for this amazing man. This keeper. Even if I was gonna be heartbroken eventually, I had to tell him my feelings. I had to try.

So, I managed to meet him eventually. And indeed, as the famous quote goes, "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it - Benjamin Mee, We Bought a Zoo", okay maybe not promise, but at least it is worth a try. But lucky me, the outcome seemed good.

Oh god. He was so shy. That moment when I said it, it was like.. BREAKTHROUGH. I had never felt that sense of relief before. It was like that sort of liberation when you jump down from a cliff or something. Not like I'd experienced cliff jumping before, but it's just what I imagine it to be for most people. My stomach was like exploding with butterflies, flying at insane speed. And just within that 20 seconds, I did it. I was so proud of myself. Anyway, that blurted out response from him was totally cute. Because I said that I met up with my poly guy friend who used to like me and had asked me if it was possible for us to be together but whom I rejected, with the explanation that I was looking for something more, and that though I have zero idea what that "more" was, but I could see that "more" in him, he blurted out, "so are you saying that you like me?" in that shocked and is-this-true look. Haha. I didn't say it straight though. In fact, I had this dilemma in me. I can't believe after all that mind killing thinking about my feelings for him, I couldn't say that I like him. There was still a sense of hesitance in me. Oh god I just wanna slap myself. I thought I was so clear of my feelings, I had never expected that hesitance. So I said it in a way that the more the other guys acted, the more I feel the urge to compare him and them, and the more I am aware of how comfortable he makes me feel, and that the "more" I was looking for has always been around me.

Haha. So anyway, he turned away. He said "I'm so shy". Hahaha. Oh god, kill me. That look and that comment, were just too cute. I couldn't stop laughing. His ears turned red like tomatoes. And after all that imagined him-pinching-omg-this-is-real thing that was playing in my mind, we came back to reality. And we talked about it. I could sense that he was so filled with insecurities. SO MUCH OF IT. Such that he keeps questioning my "feelings".

"Is it because you keep comparing us, that's why you think I am better? But these may not be feelings of liking, it's just better than the rest, so if there was someone else whom you think is better than me, you won't like me anymore."

"Is it because you've known me for so long already, that is why you feel most comfortable with me? (so it might not be feelings for him but because he's a convenient source of comfort)"

"Is it because I'm easy and a more viable option now? (I commented not to use the word option because it would seem like there are hundreds and thousands of that. And to my amazement, he said that it's true that I have lots of other guys around me as my options)"

"Is it because I have always been there for you and been through tough times with you (being around for me during my down times with E) that's why you feel comfortable? So if you had such opportunities with others, you might "like" them too. (meaning I have no basis for comparison to make sure that I really like him and it's not just simply because he has been through those with me that's why I claim to like him)" He even said that he thinks he's the only one who has gone through such times with me.

"But you still go out with other guys. So I have never thought that you would have such thoughts about me. If you had more opportunities with other guys, would you have preferred to know them better and might take an interest in them subsequently?"

"Is it because I do a lot of sweet things for you? (suggesting that he's making sure I wasn't confusing gratitude with feelings for him?)"

(In the context of Cheryl wanting to introduce her friend to me) "So were you interested in that guy that Cheryl wanted to introduce to you?"

HE NEVER STOPPED QUESTIONING. Now you see why I say he has so much insecurities. But I can totally understand where he is coming from. He doesn't wanna step into something that he thinks he might very possibly end up getting hurt and regret his decision. Especially when he is one who has trust issues, issues of letting go, and a super high level of vulnerability to being "abandoned". I understand, I really do. That was why I was also trying my best to reassure him, to convince him that my feelings are true. But when he asked about feelings feelings, (cos according to him, we were using logic to analyze things for the first half of the conversation), he asked "so how do you feel towards me?", I hesitated. I didn't know how to respond to that. But thinking of it now, I wonder if my hesitance was due to the subconscious uncertainty within me, or was it simply because I am not one who expresses well with words. GAH I know I'm going in circles and not saying any focus here, but I just wanna jot down everything so that I will not forget any of these small little details that mean so much to me.

So anyway, I had this adrenaline which made me keep touching his face. And he didn't seem to not like it. In fact, he let me do it, without showing acts of resisting. Idk. I just felt like he was enjoying it. That built up romance. And there was this moment when he was showing me something on his phone, he was actually holding his phone while I held on to it too. So it was like me holding onto his hand which was holding on to his phone. And he didn't let go of his phone. He could've let go of it and let me hold on to it on my own since I already drawn it to my side. But he didn't. He allowed me to hold on to his hand holding the phone.

And when it was my turn to ask him about his thoughts and feelings, he didn't exactly tell me about any feelings because gah he's just an overly self protective, guarded, and careful person. And apparently, he said he needs time to think and give these a serious thought before saying anything. But I was already contented. Because he told me that he feels at ease and comfortable around me and that it is good. He said he doesn't have to worry about how I think about him (meaning he can let go of most guard put up and be himself) because he doesn't have to think about having nothing to say with me. You can just imagine how happy I felt when I heard that (although I also told him that I kinda already know about that haha. Some self praise here but I don't care haha). The entire conversation was just.. receptive? And so potentially potential.

Apparently, to him, he said he's always thought that we were just friends, and never really thought about us being more than that, because I have never shown any signs of liking him. Idk how true that is, but yeah shall give him the benefit of doubt. But on another hand, isn't it obvious enough that I take a certain extent of interest in him when I do sweet things for him too? Well, maybe unless he sees it as I do that to everyone. And I'm saying this is because he said I will say "i miss you" to everyone when I used that as a judgment to determine that I like him (other than being affected when he refused to talk to me when he was sorta angry with me over husky). So to him, he thinks that I say imy to everyone else so it isn't special. And he prolly thinks that I do such sweet things to everyone too? Might be true. But oh well, I knew the imy I say to him obviously means more. So I told him that when I say that to others, I simply say it flatly; but when I say it to him, I feel shy. And thankfully, he took that.

But we haven't had much conclusions yet. And he asked me to go back and think about my feelings for him, as he would, because according to him, he thinks such things shouldn't be said or acted in a rush because they would be inaccurate (might be due to adrenaline rush? so we over exaggerate our feelings or thoughts?). So here I am, thinking about it. I don't really wanna overthink though. I just know that I will never forgive myself if I'd allowed myself to let him go.

Oh yes, and he actually texted to ask if I was home yesterday. And I thought, he wouldn't do that usually, and it felt really sweet for him to have done that because it just makes me feel like he was trying.

Well, it was a potentially good talk. So as much as I am confident that he takes an interest in me, I have my fair share of fear as well, that he might not be courageous enough to try stepping into something so major to him (rs to him seems like something that will last through eternity kinda thing), or that he would say something like actually he doesn't really like me afterall and that all those shyness and enjoying moments with me were all exaggerated. Because I also know that he isn't one who can just be together with someone just because that someone has feelings for him (as evidenced by how a girl once confessed to him and he tried to behave like they were dating by walking her home and being romantic, but he said he just couldn't do it because he didn't feel anything for her). I do fear this too. But and again, he also seems to be someone who "doesn't mind trying". So yeah, I just hope that he would really give us a chance, because I see lots of potentially beautiful things we could share. AHH but and again, he said before that I am too precious to lose (so he wouldn't date me because he didn't wanna risk losing someone so great due to a breakup. And he didn't mind trying out with that girl because he didn't mind losing her. Doesn't make sense to me but oh well). But that was like 2 years ago though and I feel like he's changed to be more positive and mature cos he's already stopped saying that a relationship is bound to end up in breakups. I also fear that his level of confidence is still really low, so even if he likes me, he might not think that he is capable of being a good boyfriend to me (he is one with an overly high sense of responsibility). So many fears. But I still choose to hold on to my belief and faith in him.

Okay so finally, to sum up, I'm just gonna wait for him to get to me. And I hope with my all my heart, that he will be willing to give this a shot. I hope that since I was the first girl that he can talk to, likewise, I would be able to be that different girl, who is able to let him believe in love all over again, and mend that broken heart. I know I lose motivation easily and I really wanna smack myself for that, but he is special. And he is worth every of my effort to keep. With that said, I hope these 3 years of brain wrecking and mind torturing thinking would all be worth it.

GAHH. It still feels so surreal.