dear diary,
i wanna cry. there are so many things troubling me. and im at a loss of what to do. :( sigh.


firstly, family matters.
i haf been gg to slp alone these few days. mama is undergg her chemo therapy at mi aunt's place and papa travels to and fro from our hs to mi aunt's place and i seldom get to see him too. sis is in thailand. sigh. i feel so lonely. i miss tt family warmth tt used to surround our hs. :( and i used to be a girl who relies heavily on mi parents to take care of me. like waking up in the morn to go to sch, preparing breakfast and dinner. all these were all taken care of by mi mom. but now, im all on mi own. somehow, i miss being tt little girl who is being pampered by her parents. i miss mi dad scooping out all the nice food in a certain dish for me, i miss mi mom opening the door for me when i return home. i miss mi sis who loves disturbing me. sigh. i feel like a failure who cant take care of herself. i dont wanna be anyone's burden.


secondly, relationship prob.
this guy actualli shocked me tt dae. like, totalli? aft the movie (our first time gg out tgt), he suddenly held mi hand while walking and being inexperienced in bgr, i didnt noe the way to react and so continued to let him hold. he said he likes me. but tt attraction for him simply isnt present. like, mi heart doesnt skip a beat when i see him. and i dont feel realli intensely in joy when he appears or msgs me. we onli knew each other for like two daes? im at such a loss of what to do. i admit tt i felt a certain sense of security when he held mi hand. i like tt kinda warmth. i feel so protected and taken care of. however, i cant return all these. when he says he misses me and asks me if i did too, i didnt bear to say the truth and so, avoided his ques. it's so contradicting. and i feel so distracted. wherever i am, whatever i do, this thing just keeps popping into mi mind, making mi wonder what's the meaning of this entire thing, and whether or not i shd accept him. yes, such a loser. i noe. :(


thirdly, studies.
i dont noe why but it's like i feel so stressed up and screwed up. take mi INTPSY proj for example. i missed like 3/4 of the meetings? sigh. i feel so bad and irresponsible. but it seems tt whatever i do to try to make up to them, it just doesnt remove mi guilt. i didnt noe how things turned out this way too. first, i forgot i had cca and had to inform mi grp members late tt i cldnt make it for the online discussion. second, i was alrdi outside when mi grp members decided to meet up online once agn for another discussion. i was late for that entire thing. they were alrdi almost done. third, they decided to meet up earlier in sch to finish up tt proj. i overslept. bud i didnt noe i wld oversleep! i was so bothered by wad happened during tt movie thing with tt guy tt i cldnt concentrate while doing stuff, so had to slp v late the night before. mi eyes were swollen. and i felt so emotional. wanted to cry mi heart out. but there wasnt any time. and i finalli did manage to attend the fourth meeting online. but the other two members had completed almost evrything tt i was onli left with the touching up. i wasnt fast enuff when finding the last part of the research and hence, u noe wad happened. i feel like a failure can. sigh.


at least i still had frens by mi side who are willing to listen to me. thanks. :) alright. i feel much better after writing all these. i will stand strong agn..
"and big girls dont cry."