We chatted on the phone.. It was the first time that I told you I miss you :) and you were acting cheeky by pushing me away to someone else like how I did. All the beautiful memories.. :)
Dear Diary,
It's been aeons. School is fine but the new semester has been pretty stressful so far. Essay writing and Research, and Cognitive Psychology. Seriously, you cannot imagine how thankful I am for my few awesome friends who mug alongside with me as well as provide me with the support that I need. People like Ivan, Amir, Geetha.. Really lucky to have them around. But most importantly, something special happened to me.. :) which makes it one more reason for me to love school despite the stress. And guess what, my heart skipped a beat for you once again, for the second time. I guess it's a good sign after efforts of searching for that magical he's-the-one feeling. Haven't felt that way for millenniums. And it's really nice to feel that way for a person again. The shyness when I just want to express and give all my love to someone.. I know it. I will never feel that shy unless the feeling's real. 3 years.. It took me 3 years.. Really damn long, isn't it? But I am just so glad for the presence of you.. This may be nothing to you, but after years, the reason I smile again is you.
“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be
perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think
twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto
him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s
not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him
that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and
don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he
makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not
there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys
don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
― Bob Marley
I wonder how else I was feeling back then, cos I didn't complete the post. But now, on 28/8/12, as I opened this post again and continue typing the rest of this, I just wanna say, thank u for giving me all the beautiful memories.. It has been exactly a month we broke up. Exactly the same incident, 27th but past 12am, and hence 28th, just like how we started, on the 3/6/12 past 12am, and hence 4/6/12. Haha, nocturnal creatures, aren't we? And we were together for a month and 24 days :) Though short, like it's never actually happened before, I do not regret a single decision I made to be together with you. I really do not understand this feeling actually. I am really totally over you. I don't feel affected anymore that we've ended.. Even as I saw how close you were with your ex girlfriend. Somehow, I had this really thankful feeling that we did not continue to be together and that you may just end up with her once again. Seeing how happy you are with her really makes me happy you know.
Well, no matter how sweet the memories we shared were, I guess we were never meant to be afterall and I'm glad we ended. Thank u for loving me, with all your heart, for that short little period of time. I heard, how many "first times" you did for me. Going all out to chase a girl, or even chasing a girl for the first time, playing the guitar and singing for the girl, writing a letter for a girl.. Even though I always fail to see and always am skeptical about the look of happiness on your face, you always told me you were genuinely happy.
All the "first times" that I did for you too, the mian mian baby I sewed the heart with our names on it, the pasta that I cooked.. the video that I made for you. I have never done all those for anyone.. Although all these seemed deliberate, and I really couldn't just love you naturally, you don't know how much effort i put into trying to work this out and be the perfect girl for you. I kinda knew I didn't have as strong feelings as you did for me, and I knew it wasn't the kind of crazily in love in you as I would feel for my own crushes, but i really wanted to make you the happiest and the luckiest boy on Earth, which is kinda ironic. Probably it's just how much you touched me, with the sweet things you would do for me, and how gentlemanly you were and how much you would go all out as long as I said I wanted you to.
The songs you played on the piano in Ngee Ann, the times we spent creating opportunities for each other to explore feelings, the times you tried so hard to convince me to show you this blog haha. The lao ban beancurd I brought all the way to Tampines for you.. your smile was totally worth it.. The mogumogu, the bubblegum, and the fish crackers you bought for me.. The caterpillar wanton mee.. Those times we hugged, kissed, and snuggled together, and those plans we made. Your always present but cute jealousy.. Which made me feel more like doing stuff for you. All these will remain as the sweetest memories we shared. :)
As I type all these, I'm at the same time smiling to myself as tears well up in my eyes. Tears of joy I guess. I wouldnt choose to be together with you again though, knowing how incompatible we are.. You are sweet.. Really sweet. It's just that we just don't see many things in the same way, and I can never give you as much love as I would for someone whom I am crazily in love with. But I guess you really made me feel loved. I have never ever appeared to be such goddess like to someone before. And the way you described me, the way you were so crazily into me, thank you for everything. And if you happen to see this one day, I really do not mind you know, if your experience with me as a girlfriend has made you realise how important your ex girlfriend (or rather ex ex girlfriend) actually means to you.. You'll never know how much you meant to me.. But I really do wish you happiness because I know I can never be your happiness and you can never be mine, and we deserve so much more :)
― Bob Marley
I wonder how else I was feeling back then, cos I didn't complete the post. But now, on 28/8/12, as I opened this post again and continue typing the rest of this, I just wanna say, thank u for giving me all the beautiful memories.. It has been exactly a month we broke up. Exactly the same incident, 27th but past 12am, and hence 28th, just like how we started, on the 3/6/12 past 12am, and hence 4/6/12. Haha, nocturnal creatures, aren't we? And we were together for a month and 24 days :) Though short, like it's never actually happened before, I do not regret a single decision I made to be together with you. I really do not understand this feeling actually. I am really totally over you. I don't feel affected anymore that we've ended.. Even as I saw how close you were with your ex girlfriend. Somehow, I had this really thankful feeling that we did not continue to be together and that you may just end up with her once again. Seeing how happy you are with her really makes me happy you know.
Well, no matter how sweet the memories we shared were, I guess we were never meant to be afterall and I'm glad we ended. Thank u for loving me, with all your heart, for that short little period of time. I heard, how many "first times" you did for me. Going all out to chase a girl, or even chasing a girl for the first time, playing the guitar and singing for the girl, writing a letter for a girl.. Even though I always fail to see and always am skeptical about the look of happiness on your face, you always told me you were genuinely happy.
All the "first times" that I did for you too, the mian mian baby I sewed the heart with our names on it, the pasta that I cooked.. the video that I made for you. I have never done all those for anyone.. Although all these seemed deliberate, and I really couldn't just love you naturally, you don't know how much effort i put into trying to work this out and be the perfect girl for you. I kinda knew I didn't have as strong feelings as you did for me, and I knew it wasn't the kind of crazily in love in you as I would feel for my own crushes, but i really wanted to make you the happiest and the luckiest boy on Earth, which is kinda ironic. Probably it's just how much you touched me, with the sweet things you would do for me, and how gentlemanly you were and how much you would go all out as long as I said I wanted you to.
The songs you played on the piano in Ngee Ann, the times we spent creating opportunities for each other to explore feelings, the times you tried so hard to convince me to show you this blog haha. The lao ban beancurd I brought all the way to Tampines for you.. your smile was totally worth it.. The mogumogu, the bubblegum, and the fish crackers you bought for me.. The caterpillar wanton mee.. Those times we hugged, kissed, and snuggled together, and those plans we made. Your always present but cute jealousy.. Which made me feel more like doing stuff for you. All these will remain as the sweetest memories we shared. :)
As I type all these, I'm at the same time smiling to myself as tears well up in my eyes. Tears of joy I guess. I wouldnt choose to be together with you again though, knowing how incompatible we are.. You are sweet.. Really sweet. It's just that we just don't see many things in the same way, and I can never give you as much love as I would for someone whom I am crazily in love with. But I guess you really made me feel loved. I have never ever appeared to be such goddess like to someone before. And the way you described me, the way you were so crazily into me, thank you for everything. And if you happen to see this one day, I really do not mind you know, if your experience with me as a girlfriend has made you realise how important your ex girlfriend (or rather ex ex girlfriend) actually means to you.. You'll never know how much you meant to me.. But I really do wish you happiness because I know I can never be your happiness and you can never be mine, and we deserve so much more :)
Thank u and goodbye. E.
Memories :)
And as we move on to another phase in school, I am deeply troubled by another issue, another person. Now that me and him have ended, why have things between this other person and I changed as well? Looking back at how much fun and laughter we used to have, without any guard put up, I really miss those times.. We used to be able to chat on the phone for hours, talking about everything yet nothing. We could joke about flirty and naughty stuff with each other.. And we were just being ourselves. You would text me randomly like how I would and we would just enjoy the company of each other simply. What has happened to this specialness in our much treasured friendship? Now that this is happening, I realised I might have been overly reliant on your presence, your care and concern, and your company, previously.. Always turning to you when I was upset about him, and when I just needed someone there for me. And you never failed, to be there for me. But now, why do you seem to not be able to talk or even respond to me as we always did? Why do you seem to be distancing yourself away? Are you afraid that we might be romantically involved one day and for some reason, you are dreading it? Is it you, or is it me? I really do not know. Even I myself is facing a state of confusion towards you now. But if I were to ask you, would you say the truth? Are you even sure or are you just as confused as I am? Oh wells, shall not let self fulfilling prophecy happen. I'll just treat you like how I used to do so. Romantically involved or not in the future, nobody knows. But as long as I have nothing to hide, I will not treat you differently from how I have always done so.. And I hope the specialness in our friendship continues.. Because you mean so much to me as well.. Both my best friend and my confidant in school.. B.
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