Dear diary, I finally put aside all thoughts and all guards, and passed him the letter that I wanted to. And he said he was touched :) (though he thinks I drew his nose too big hahaha) Im so happy that my little action can bring a smile to the face of others, really. But as I have mentioned, whenever I see him so broken because of his family issues which have caused him to seemingly lose trust towards love, relationships and marriage, I would wanna show him so much that love can really be beautiful. So once again, Im confused over whether these are romantic feelings for him, or just wanting to make a difference, and to restore hope and happiness in the lives of others. B.

On friday, I went to pasir ris beach park with ridwan and him. Felt good :) although part of the mega playground was cordoned off, we got to play with the giant spiderweb, the spinning plate and the swing! It does remind me of the time me and him went over to the playground near his place though. Such happy memories :) That was when I got confused over him n E actually. Anyway, I love playgrounds with sand.. and love the beach park, totally. In addition to the soothing music ridwan was playing.. it was absolute serenity. The sea, the sky, the sand, the stars.. :) perfect place to chill. Love it.

Anyway, so because of the topic that the three of us were discussing on friday, being the forever inquisitive me, I finally was thick-skinned enough the following day, to pop the question of whether he has ever seen me more than just a friend. He said.. truthfully, he has no intentions for now and probably not in the future, because he has made up his mind to not like me as he doesnt wanna lose another great friend due to a break up. Upon further clarifications, he said he doesnt think he has ever liked me as a girlfriend from the start, and no intentions from the start he guessed.

He said that he hates to talk about these relationship matters because perceptions will change. I didnt exactly know how to respond. Perceptions may change but arent they worth the truth? Besides, does he trust me that little to think that my perceptions will change which will in turn affect our friendship? So was it because he was afraid to lose me that's why he doesnt wanna have anything to do with me romantically since he has always been afraid of commitment? How true is it that he has never felt anything more than just a friend towards me? I wouldnt talk about the start when we just knew each other but more of after going through emotional times together side by side. All the things that we've been through, especially how we used to open ourselves up without the fear of showing our flaws in front of each other, and how we were there for each other during emotional times.. Since I already did, wouldnt he have been confused once? Or well, maybe he really never did feel anything for me.

But on the other hand, if he said that he doesnt wanna lose a friend cos of a breakup, why does he claim that he wants a girlfriend and wants to be in a relationship when he sees no future and is afraid of commitment? Does it imply then, that to him, having a girlfriend is simply temporary gratification and a relationship status? And does it mean to him that a girlfriend is not a friend and a person whom he is okay with losing if they ended up in a breakup?

Also, he said that he has made up his mind to not like me, so how does this explain his opinion on feelings being hard to control? Further confusion arises when he said that it is because we may be feeling one way right now but another the next time round. So how can he control not liking me when he cannot control feeling differently at different times? But one definite thing that I am sure of.. He seems to be determined in friendzoning us, and never to fall in love with me ever.

Sigh. But why should one let the fear of losing a friend hinder him from pursuing his happiness? I understand that after the breakups of E and I, J and N, and most importantly the break apart of his family, he saw how friendships were ruined. And after losing many friends whom he used to be close with, he saw how easily people can leave our lives. And all these, resulted in his fear of losing people in his life, and his lost of trust in relationships and even friendships. But if people are meant to go, they will, isnt it? Whether two people are together or not, and whether they end up in a breakup, if they are gonna leave, they will; and if they are gonna stay, they will. Maybe from all these departures, we can come to realize who are those people meant to stay in our lives and who are not. So why should one allow this fear to hinder him from pursuing his happiness? So what if two people remain as friends and do not get romantically involved? It doesnt necessarily mean that she will not leave one day right? Are the chances of finding your happiness not worth taking the risks of losing someone close which may happen too without a relationship? Could it be that he would rather have me in his life as a great friend whose friendship he is confident of not losing rather than a partner whose relationship he has less confidence in?

I know he he has been through much loss of friendships, which resulted in him building a wall and no longer trusting people easily. And he just told me two weeks ago that he didnt believe in sustaining friendships because we would all move on with our own lives one day without the need of others. But when I reminded him that we should always keep those people whom we cherish close to us, he realized that close friends are the special ones who will make effort to stay. Im so happy at least I made one difference in his life, by letting him feel hope in friendships once again. But, why cant he see the same in relationships too? Or was the realization of how important close friends are to him, precisely, the reason for the increase in his fear of losing precious ones and hence not dare to step into a serious relationship which he still doesnt see much faith in? Sigh.

I really dont know while continuing to be close, I should friendzone us, or attempt to build the trust towards relationships in him? I really hope that he understands that love can be a beautiful thing. It's really sad to see how he lost trust in everything due to his family issues. But I dont even know if I have feelings for him. People are usually looking for partners whom they can receive love from. He is fun, he is sweet, he makes me laugh, he makes me happy, and I can feel safe and taken care of around him, and I used to seek comfort from him which he never failed to provide me with unconditionally. Now, though the comfort seeking is not necessary for me anymore, in fact he doesnt seem to want to or able to provide the same for me the same way anymore, but it seems like I want to make him feel loved instead. I told him I began to wonder after my breakup with E and when others kept saying we actually seem more compatible, the reason why I treat him so well.. And now I know the answer. I dont really know why.. but I know that I am just so happy when I see the broken him feel loved, and touched to see the little boy behind the strong headed him, so easily contented. So, are these feelings for him? I used to think that liking someone is when you miss that person a lot when he's not around and you yearn for his presence so much because he just makes you so happy and appreciated, and you want to do the same for him. But why has it gotten so complex now? :(

In fact, I dont mind being drained by attempts of letting him believe in love once again (if he ever did in this case), but is this worth my efforts, with knowing that I might risk getting hurt if I developed deep feelings for him one day? :( if I was certain of my feelings towards him, I will definitely not give in before fighting for him to allow me into his life. Or maybe im overestimating my capabilities. Maybe Im not the one who can change him. So should I then decisively friendzone us and just wait for another girl whom he may meet in the future, the one meant to enter his life to make this difference? Sigh. Disheartening. 

Oh wells, maybe I have never liked him too. Like what my sis said, his presence in my life is to allow me to realize that E is not the one for me, but it doesnt necessarily mean that he is the one for me. Same goes for me, maybe my presence in his life is to make him feel loved and restore his trust towards friendships and relationships again, but it doesnt necessarily mean that im the one for him either. I dont know how this can happen but it does make some kinda sense. So maybe when he meets the right one, my job of making him feel loved is done and it's time to pass it on to the girl to give him all the love that he deserves? Haha, just like Nanny McPhee yea?
"When you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me, but no longer need me, then I have to go."

As for E, you couldve just let me know the truth you know. Trust. Have you forgotten that Im different from other girls? But anyway, I've learnt to let go. Wish I can find my happiness soon too! Alright. Study, girl. You already scored full marks for stats exam 1. You cannot let the other mods pull your efforts down! Jiayou in biopsy and dev psy!!

Dont worry, and be happy! Smile! :D