Dear diary,

So much has happened. It's been more than a month since that incident with B happened. Btw did I not mention that the potentially potential talk ended up nasty? Well, I don't really know how and why it turned out this way. But just know that perhaps we were never meant for each other.

I don't know what kind of misunderstandings we had, but the state we are in now, is almost equivalent to having lost each other.

And during this period, sometimes I missed him so much. You know how many times I felt the temptation to pick up my phone and dial his number? I miss that source of support. I miss that voice that never fails to give me comfort whenever I needed it. I miss that warm face. I miss that warm touch. I miss that never ending telephone calls, the "must be your fat cheeks that pressed the end call button right", the "you put down first, no you put down first", and the "creak creak" unawkward awkward silence. But I knew I had to keep that to myself because I don't know how comfortable he is with me, I don't want to pressurize him. I wish so much that I can still be there for him, and for him to be there for me. How I wish that closeness would last forever. But everyone knows that forever is an impossible. Well, now whenever I needed to feel his presence, I look at and think about the starry box. That symbol of his love and care which had to go. Dammit. I hate this. Im fighting so hard against gravity for those tears to not trickle down.

Apparently, he isn't the right one for me. I know it. And I accept it. It's just that, I still miss him as a person, not a status. It's strange because I don't even remember what memorable incidences we had exactly, or what we shared together, but the feeling of attachment to him is still around.

Sigh. Do we really have to end up being strangers even if we didn't end up together romantically? I need you. I need you so much. Even if we were not together, you mean so much to me. Sometimes I wonder why. I don't even know. But having you around gives me so much comfort that nobody else can. But apparently, you can't be there for me. And I really know and accept that this is not what I want in a relationship and in my future. But I just miss you so much. All I want to be happy is for us to not lose each other, for us to be the most open and frank with each other. I wouldn't even mind us having a partner of our own that will give us the right happiness. I just don't want to lose you, do you understand? It's not because I still have feelings for you, but because your presence in my life means too much to me.

I wonder if you are doing okay. And I apologize for not being able to face you too (though you may not be ready to face me either). Just hope you will find peace and be happy. It really pains me to see how you're unwilling to believe in and let love in. You seemed so happy when you were receptive. Why did you have to shun away and put up all that coldness, oh and there's the gifting when logic hit you?

The fact that now sis is attached, I'd only see her 3 times per day and sometimes I feel so lonely. But Im really happy 

Had such a bad day at work today. Feeling so sucky. Wished I could dial your number right now and indulge myself in that warm comfort that your voice never fails to bring. That voice that puts a smile to my face and heart before I turn in. But I know I can't. I can't be selfish. So I gotta be strong. I gotta be strong, myself.