Dear diary,

Why do I enjoy his company so much at times while at other times, I am so bored yet longing for that feeling of enjoyment which I most of the time fail to feel it. Sighpie. I really don't know if I really like him. I really want to, and sometimes I really enjoy him so damn much, so indescribable that I just wanna show him so much affection. But undoubtedly, I have to honestly admit that I am attracted to affectionate people too. And he, is just the extreme opposite. An overly shy and avoidant person who can't express his emotions well, tends to pretend to cover up his vulnerability, and has an overly high level of self control and perhaps rationality? But I can't. I need affection. And I know that this is extremely important to me. Someone affectionate, feeling, someone like A, who can balance both his emotional expression and rationality. But he is not. Incidences when I feel greatly attracted to him are when he shows his less restraint side occasionally, allowing me to feel closer to him and connect at a deeper level than just the surface. At times when he behaves like a rock, I would feel like he is a world apart. How do I fall in love with a rock? And sometimes when I show just a little bit more affection, he gives me the indifferent vibe, mostly when we have contact in person, which makes me super upset. Why can't we just behave more closely and affectionately like how we can always do so during phonecalls, or sometimes when we are around our couple friends? I wished he was less anxious about the fear of abandonment. I wished he was a tad more emotional. I wished he was more feeling. I wish. But all these are my wishes. I'm trying to shape him into my ideal guy, but maybe it's just not gonna happen no matter how hard I try? He is everything.. caring, sweet, gentlemanly, fun, and we can hit it off so well with each other. He has every trait of a perfect guy.. but emotions. I am super sick and tired of this turmoil, all the hoping but which ends up as disappointment. And I am tired in trying to open him up to me. Idk if he's worth my effort anymore. How does he feel about me then? If he doesn't long for more with me, then what point is there to keep placing my attention on this? Of cos I would want him to long for more, that's why I'm so bothered by whether he doesn't long for more, or just afraid to. Idk to attribute his hot and coldness to not wanting anything more cos he doesn't like me at all, or to fearing the devastation he will feel if he loses something he really holds dear to. And precisely cos I still want him as a friend, I am super hesitant to face this issue with him by bringing it up straightforwardly rather than constantly using actions to drop and seek for hints, knowing that he is one who has such fear to begin with. Sigh. Diary, I have to brave up and just talk to him about it cos if I don't, I know he never will, and I might regret it one day for letting such affinity slip past. I am avoidant, and he is like a worse male version of me. Sigh. I should really pluck up my courage and face it already. Though I am not 100% certain of my liking towards him, I really don't wanna miss this affinity. In fact, knowing that I need more, I shouldn't harbour any thoughts of being together with him. But I just can't bear to see such affinity and special connection with someone slip pass. Yeah. I must talk to him. I MUST.