Dear diary,

As I'm sitting at this really quiet and peaceful place by a fountain that's opp the istana, I'm reflecting on the attitude that B has been showing. It's really pretty here at night by the way.

Okay anyway, to speak the truth, when I replied his random whatsapp of asking me if there was good food around my area, and towards the back saying I miss him because it's been so long I haven't seen him and that if only I didn't have work on that day I could've met him since he was playing badminton nearby, the response that he gave was a total heart stabber. "Oh! Too bad then! I'll see you another time". Is that how someone who was once like your brother and a good friend will treat you? They always say that nothing else but kinship lasts. Now I (Oh my gawd. A North Indian guy just came up to and tried to hit on me wth. He asked if I'm from spore and if he could sit down beside me. Told him I was leaving and then he self introduced. 'Hi I am James, you are?' Wth. And I said again that I am leaving and then he apologized. 'Sorry about that. Sorry'. Luckily he didn't dare do anything to me. Wth I was sitting just by the main road and there were 2 other young guys smoking a distance away. Wth did this man think he was trying to do?! Madness).

Okay anyway. Because B is not my real brother afterall, that's why he was willing to give up our ties? And I've always thought that he's different from other guys. One of a kind. Because of his unconditional love that he's shown towards me, unlike most other guys who disappear from my life when smth to do w romantic rs screws up, regardless of whether or not they were my friends to begin with. Before all these coldness during xmas, I wrote a card to B, alongside with the love charm of which he really or at least appeared to have treasured, that he was the first guy who didn't have any motive on me (cos he has never attempted to take advantage of me or turn anything between us into something sexual even though we were really close). I thought he was a friend who could stay in my life (even if things were to turn romantic and screw up along the way). I thought he wasn't a come and go friend. I thought our relationship (and I say relationship because it is somewhere more than just a friendship but not to the stage of a romantic relationship) would be stronger than this. He even once told T and the guys that he thought that I would be the only one who will stay in his life. That was why I saw more confidence in us. But all that are happening now seem to mean that I've thought wrong. Or is it that people just change? Now, it seems like all that was in the past was only because he needed people by his side.

In short, I was the comfort that he needed and that perhaps nobody else could provide him with, and he didn't want to risk losing that sense of comfort that came hard and so, made up his mind to be cautious about not going into anything romantic or sexual with me just in case anything screws up (which is more likely to happen than in a platonic friendship). And all those ups and downs with him were our struggles I suppose. While doing all sorts of special things for me, perhaps he was also confused if he merely wanted to keep me as an important friend who could provide that source of comfort that he needed to him, or not to be shameless but really, if he had already fallen for me. But now that he has found himself a new group of friends that he's comfortable with, I guess that is why he's enjoying himself too much that he doesn't even mind losing that initial source of comfort in me anymore. Because by drifting apart and detaching from me (and very timely by using "busy" as an excuse since he really is caught up with that mod which requires so much time and effort investment), he could be spared from that struggle because he now has found a new source of comfort which he doesn't have to invest so much emotions in with knowing that they can more safely just be friends (cos from the intimacy, any dumbass could tell our friendship was really more than just friends, but theirs, consisting of three people, does give off the bro vibe instead).

Oh wells, I should stop blaming myself, thinking that it's cos of me hiding things from him at the start of this semester, which caused his hurt and broken of trust in me. Because if he'd really valued me as a person, why would such I shouldn't say trivial but more of just a one-off incident just break apart whatever that we shared and held close and precious? I believe that it shouldn't and wouldn't have been so fragile if I really meant something to him even up till now. But his attitude of seeming like he didn't want to talk to me even after I told him that I miss him just says it all. He might think that I sounded insincere because if I'd missed him, I would've long ago contacted him, and not only tell him that I miss him when he texted me to ask me abt smth general. But should that be the priority? If he really valued me, why would he allow himself to be calculative and petty over that "insincerity"? Unless his guard of being wary of me is up again. But I doubt so. That's why maybe I don't mean as much or at all to him anymore. And I don't wanna force it out of him, because sometimes when things and people change, they just do and nothing good will come out of anything that's forced.

I guess I'm gonna accept it that whatever that we had is gonna be the most that we would've and could've gone through together. And I shall close this chapter and move on completely. Yes I would still love to keep him by my side as a friend and I would try to because he's been a great person to me even as a friend, unless he pushes me away, but I will move on from hoping and wanting us to blossom into anything more already. It's time, to walk away.

Nights world.
"Find a song not that you like to sing, but one that suits you singing, bringing out the best in both you who sing, and him who is sung".