Dear diary,

Out of a sudden, I feel that I've become so hardhearted. It seems like after I experienced that breakthrough moment of detachment from missing and needing B's presence in my life, I have grown to be unfeeling towards my relation with everyone around me. As I was typing a birthday message to A, the 1st ex bf, today, I actually spent close to twenty minutes, in an attempt to draft the most ideal message, which is the most sincere and personal, to him. I gave up in the end, accepting that the message (still a very general one) was the best shot that I could afford. Omg can you believe it? I actually had to wreck my brain just for a birthday message. And as I thought about how to sound more sincere and personal, I could not feel anything to do with him even though we hold memories of so much beautiful and upsetting times together. I just could not. Not like he'll care any bit, since we are history, like old old old history. But I just thought that something seems wrong with me -___- I can't feel. Even if I do, I'll be like.. oh okay I'm all well again the next instant. But nevertheless, I somehow could finally feel what sis told me about being comfortable alone. I did not feel the need to have romance or the company of friends out of a sudden and it's just strange because I used to be such a needy and dependent person on the company of friends (like having someone to hang out with or just chat with to kill my boredom. I just needed a friend's presence) or romance (even the least like having someone to flirt with). I used to feel empty because I was left with much alone time. My whatsapp barely had time to be quiet. But now, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I feel lazy to socialize and do not find the urge to want to, and I am perfectly fine with having no one ring my whatsapp for the whole day. I wonder if that's good or bad.

I have plans to surprise B before he flies off to Korea for summer semester, since I can't be around to celebrate his birthday on the actual day. I wonder what will the consequences be. I wonder what he would feel and think of all these. I actually thought so much, to the point of questioning myself the reasons behind doing all these for him. In fact, after the act of wanting to draft the most ideal message to A, it seems like I'm trying very hard to let others leave the best impression of me, isn't it? Or rather, I'm trying to prove to myself that I can make a difference in something that I think I can be in control of. Dreamy idealist, as what T would call it. Perhaps T is right. I just want everything to be ideal and the best of what they can be, and as long as something is within my control, or at least I would think they are, I would want to do something to achieve that idealistic outcome eventually. Oh wells, stop thinking. Back to essay writing. Jiayou! Complete it and you can start with your revision!