Jiayou, stay strong. U can do this. To be continued..
Thursday, October 20, 2022
Tuesday, October 04, 2022
Sunday, July 14, 2019
Monday, June 24, 2019
Dear diary,
I miss him so much. I miss every single thing about him. It’s been 1.5years. And I still love him. I tried moving on, I tried letting go, I tried cutting him off, I tried dating others. But I can’t. I really can’t. I love him too much.
Read his last text again.
“Imm, spend time with ur family always. Never giv up in anything u do. I will always wish you to be safe even if im nt there to protect u. I hope u will smile always. Ur smile is something ill never forget. I will miss u very much too.”
And my heart broke again.
I miss you.
I miss him so much. I miss every single thing about him. It’s been 1.5years. And I still love him. I tried moving on, I tried letting go, I tried cutting him off, I tried dating others. But I can’t. I really can’t. I love him too much.
Read his last text again.
“Imm, spend time with ur family always. Never giv up in anything u do. I will always wish you to be safe even if im nt there to protect u. I hope u will smile always. Ur smile is something ill never forget. I will miss u very much too.”
And my heart broke again.
I miss you.
Thursday, February 22, 2018
Dear diary,
I am heartbroken. So heartbroken. It feels devastating. I miss him like crazy yet I can only continue to miss him and continue to plough over time. I miss him so much it’s ripping my heart apart. I wish he could feel it. I wish we could heal, and love again. That breakup hurt like shit. I felt that we needed to go through that though, to find ourselves again. Or even rediscover about us. To learn from mistakes. To cherish each other much more. I still love him. I chose to let go not because I don’t love him anymore. I let go because I had the wrong perspective of how love should be. Love is not leaving each other for what we think the other needs, which eventually we think will make us happier people. Love is sticking through each other in times of thick and thins and vulnerabilities, for each other, for us. To be willing to believe and have faith, and want to put in effort to find a middle ground because love and the relationship come first. And only now then I can empathise a lil better why he felt like his trust was betrayed. I was so clouded. I felt hurt and rejected by him as well, I lost faith. I felt abandoned by him for work. I felt like I lost him to work. That’s why only after the breakup that he expressed so much more, that I felt his love. He was just struggling so much that I couldn’t understand, and fell into a negative spiral myself. We should not be punished for this. I wish he could understand.
I still miss you every single day. It hurts so much. But I am going to plough. To support him and place my needs as secondary for now because that’s what he really needed and still needs. Because he’s the only one I want.
Have faith. You are stronger than you think, girl. Go for it. No regrets.
I am heartbroken. So heartbroken. It feels devastating. I miss him like crazy yet I can only continue to miss him and continue to plough over time. I miss him so much it’s ripping my heart apart. I wish he could feel it. I wish we could heal, and love again. That breakup hurt like shit. I felt that we needed to go through that though, to find ourselves again. Or even rediscover about us. To learn from mistakes. To cherish each other much more. I still love him. I chose to let go not because I don’t love him anymore. I let go because I had the wrong perspective of how love should be. Love is not leaving each other for what we think the other needs, which eventually we think will make us happier people. Love is sticking through each other in times of thick and thins and vulnerabilities, for each other, for us. To be willing to believe and have faith, and want to put in effort to find a middle ground because love and the relationship come first. And only now then I can empathise a lil better why he felt like his trust was betrayed. I was so clouded. I felt hurt and rejected by him as well, I lost faith. I felt abandoned by him for work. I felt like I lost him to work. That’s why only after the breakup that he expressed so much more, that I felt his love. He was just struggling so much that I couldn’t understand, and fell into a negative spiral myself. We should not be punished for this. I wish he could understand.
I still miss you every single day. It hurts so much. But I am going to plough. To support him and place my needs as secondary for now because that’s what he really needed and still needs. Because he’s the only one I want.
Have faith. You are stronger than you think, girl. Go for it. No regrets.
Sunday, October 22, 2017
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rediscovering-love/201306/relationship-disenchantment
Relationship Disenchantment
Challenging relationship burnout and revitalizing your relationship
New lovers often promise each other that they will be together forever. Offering glorious promises of enduring intertwinement, they willingly pledge to give up personal independence in exchange for a future of secure belonging.
Unfortunately, the keeping of those promises are subject to many unexpected challenges, even when they are genuinely made. Unexpected crises arise in all intimate relationship that can eradicate blissful expectations, and most new lovers, caught up in the fantasy of indestructible love, don’t anticipate them adequately.
As each couple eventually faces their personal pitfalls and whirlpools, many are unable to maintain their promises of forever-commitment. Others fight valiantly to overcome their challenges and survive, using every available resource to hang on to their connection. Like emotional warriors fighting a never-ending surge of increasing embattlements, they keep trying to make things better despite the greater challenges and lessening rewards.
Sadly, at some point, disillusionment, defeat, and dissatisfaction may overcome any dedicated partnership, and it can deteriorate into relationship burnout, the ultimate outcome of continuing disenchantment. The once mutually-beloved partners may find themselves on the unfortunate path of lessened rewards and diminishing returns. If they cannot regenerate the love they once shared, their relationship may be irreparably damaged.
There are many warning signs that can predict relationship disenchantment if couples are willing to heed them. They can begin early in a relationship but may be too subtle then to easily recognize. Most partners would rather focus on what they love about their relationship. By the time these problems cannot be ignored any longer, it may be too hard to solve them. If they are willing to pay attention to these early warning signs of potential demise, they could more easily reverse their downward course and turn things around before it is too late.
The Warning Signs of Relationship Disenchantment
Narrow Focus
When a relationship is in a prolonged crisis, both partners tend to lose sight of innovative options. When they most need to overcome destructive patterns and defeating habits, they are more likely to hold on more tenaciously. Even when they know there are better ways to handle the problems, they still seem to fight for their positions in old patterns that don’t work anymore.
This tendency for partners to sharpen their focus rather than adopting a broader perspective and facing what is happening soon spreads out to every facet of their relationship. They lose “peripheral vision,” and cannot see new ways to deal with the broader situation or its underlying meaning. They are in crisis, forced to choose between familiarity and risk. If they do not choose to courageously face changer, they will resort to old solutions and become more frustrated, weary and indifferent. Eventually they will lose patience with each other and their relationship will begin to unravel.
Low Energy
Partners in healthy relationships keep a reservoir of resources to draw from when they are overwhelmed by unexpected disappointments and challenges. Between crises, they nurture their relationship to maintain their resilience and keep those reservoirs full. Like emergency vehicles always ready for the next call, their resources are up-to-date and in good condition.
If a couple relies on unproductive patterns that have ceased to produce results, they put themselves in danger of depleting those resources. Because old habits take less energy and thought, they often slip into them instead of searching for new ways to improve their interactions. Changing habits in the midst of crises are hard for anyone, especially when a relationship is under duress. Just when they need most to be creative in their approach, most couples are likely to continue in the old ways, becoming more disrespectful and indifferent to each other as they lose direction.
Desire to Escape
As their relationship deteriorates, intimate partners search for ways to escape their increasing discomfort and feelings of defeat. Unable to resolve their dilemmas, they begin to feel as prey to the other’s predator. In that role, they are likely to experience stressreactions of flight, fight, or freeze. They can’t live with the situation, cannot see a way to leave, and cannot bear what they are experiencing.
Sometimes, they find themselves unable to leave even when they want to. They may have created many tethers that are still holding them together outside of their personal relationship. There might be established obligations to family, financial burdens, or important, desirable social networks. The loss of those attachments can seem more painful than what they are undergoing. Though exhausted from unproductive skirmishes, the partners may be immobilized in their inability to make the decision to cut those ties.
Some find ways to symbolically escape while staying in the relationship. The most common are to withdraw outwardly and/or inwardly, and to re-direct their energies into more pleasurable, productive, or less painful directions. Unfortunately, those choices are most often made without the consent of the other partner. Addictions, infidelity, commitments to others, plunging into alternate activities, more intense spiritualcommitment, or seeking personal therapy are likely occurrences.
As partners spend more time excluding each other, the demise of the relationship is not always obvious. New experiences away from the relationship often bring them pleasure and relief which often makes their existing relationship seems even more dissatisfying. The road back is strewn with boredom and diminishing motivation to continue the struggle.
Blame and Guilt
When intimate partners begin to experience increasing frustration and disappointment, they often resort to finger pointing to determine who “the guiltier” party is. The resulting score-keeping is endless: neither person wants to look into the mirror of fault, and will do and say whatever is necessary to come out from under the guilt assigned by the other. Counter-invalidations replace compassionate listening, and defensiveness reigns. Lurking just under the blame/guilt agenda is the deeper knowledge that the relationship is dying and that loss may be inevitable.
What once was “we are a team,” has now become “if only you were different, then I…..” The potential beauty of a synergistic union is now a rapidly disintegrating array of thrown punches. Both partners may not even be aware of the effect of his or her attacks on the other as “one-upsmanship” prevails.
Blame and guilt never creates a foundation for learning or transformation. They are more than useless responses; they destroy any hope of a relationship’s finding its way back.
Loss of Hope
There can be good outcomes from the challenges of crises if hope is not lost. Intimate partners can learn from their mistakes and create new options for change in the future. But, if hope fades, despair becomes its replacement. The partners lose confidence in what was once a strong and resilient bond.
As hope disappears, so does the loss of trust and of faith follow closely behind. It becomes easier to just stop trying and to give in to what seems to be an inevitable outcome. Some people fall into grief or depression, fearing that they might never find another love. From that place of anticipated loss, they may not be able to bear the powerless heartbreak and give up. When intimacy is replaced with apathy, people don’t hurt as much anymore but are simultaneously less motivated to care about the outcome.
Now each partner must either find new reasons to fight for the relationship, or to somehow bear the anguish of either leaving or being trapped in a no-win situation. If they stay, spiritless and withdrawn, their physical energy will decline, their sexual interest will wane, their emotional risk-taking will sharply dissipate, and their faith in love and intimacy will be severely compromised.
Preventing Relationship Disenchantment
Once relationship partners have become disenchanted, it is a hard and long road back to love again. Preventing their relationship from slipping into that state in the first place requires more conscious awareness and vigilance. Early intervention takes much less energy and time than damage control.
Narrow Focus
If a couple becomes aware that they are using the same dysfunctional tactics over and over, they can choose to stop those patterns. Awareness helps to go beyond the limitations they have created. Both partners must be willing to recognize them and intentionally stretch them even if it is uncomfortable. It takes the willingness to risk and to look at things in a new way, even when they feel stressed and more self-preservation than caring. It can be done if both partners agree to support each other’s points of view.
Courage is not being unafraid. It is acting heroic in the face of fear. When partners are unhappy in their relationship, but afraid to embrace new options, they are often immobilized in their ability to look at things in a new way. If a couple finds themselves going around and around the same ideas, conflicts, and feelings without new options arising, they may need the advice of a good professional to see beyond their current stress-related emotional limits.
Low Energy
If the partners in an intimate relationship feel overwhelmed and exhausted from their powerless attempts to stave off their failing connection, their fatigue may come from many areas and show in a multitude of ways. Sometimes they have just had too many losses or severe challenges and they no longer see the other as a viable team member. Now separated in their personal distress, they have failed to stay in close communication or consistently check out each other’s pressures and resources. Their prior sense of feeling supported and covered is gone, replaced by lonely internal struggles in the presence of someone who was once their most trusted go-to person.
If the partners are flailing in relationship disenchantment, they will only feel more exhaustion and less motivation if they do not re-commit to each other and give the relationship the energy it needs for them to succeed. Both partners must help the other to get the time and space needed to physically regenerate and emotionally recharge while, at the same time, re-building the closeness that creates synergistic fuel. Energy drains such as non-resolvable conflicts, anxiety, guilt, depression, frustration, martyrdom, resentment, and the like, must be put aside. They burden a relationship that is already fragile.
When partners realize that their resources are low and their demands are high, they must prioritize together what is most important, and let go of everything that is not. They make certain that their relationship is the most important thing to both of them and that teamwork is essential to stop the bleeding.
Desire to Escape
When disenchantment reigns, relationship partners don’t run away. They know that escaping the situation will only make it more likely they will lose eventually lose each other. Sometimes, however, a temporary escape can help reduce the stress as long as both partners agree. Burdened by the past, or fearing the future, is enough to want freedom from those worries. If either partner feels the need to temporarily escape to regenerate, he or she must agree to only do so with the knowledge, acceptance, and participation of the other.
Positive escapes return partners more able to re-commit to the relationship with more renewed energy and hope. Those that bring them back dissipated, more discouraged, and less open to new ways of being are understandably counter-productive.
Escaping together to rest from overwhelming stress is an often prescribed temporary solution to couples who are overloaded. Whether that overload comes from outside influences or from within their interpersonal interactions, regenerating experiences can often bring back the calmness and openness a couple needs to begin a healing process.
Blaming
As couples lose their ability to empathize and support each other, they often resort to accusations of blame or reactions of guilt. Making a concerted effort to stay away from assigning blame or creating guilt goes a long way towards making partners safe with each other again. Except in cases of clear accountability, it doesn’t really matter who is wrong or right or whose needs should come first. If either partner needs understanding or kindness, deciding who “the bad guy is” will only prolong the antagonism.
Both partners can avoid blame if they simply tell each other what they need, ask if the other has the resources to fulfill that desire, and not feel wronged if the other partner cannot accommodate. Couples who want to regenerate their enchantment with each other allow for all desires but don’t feel entitled to having them fulfilled. Even with the best of intentions, not all people have the resources or inclination to always put their partners first in every situation. If the partner who cannot fulfill that need can instead offer what he or she can give, that can lead to a better outcome. If the one who has the need is able to self-soothe, or modulate that need into smaller requests, the other partner may be able to give something that will help.
Defensiveness in response to blame or invalidation is the core of bitter and unproductive arguments. As soon as one partner feels that the unjust finger of wrong-doing is pointed, he or she will retaliate with what the other has done that is worse. The result will be a continuing negative spiral of accusation, reversal of blame, and defensive self-righteousness.
Leaning into critique is a wonderful ability. When partners can listen to the legitimacy of another’s distress without feeling they must agree or change, they often neutralize the other’s distress or find that the presenting problem was not the issue. It should always be the first response to any upset in the other.
Loss of Hope
When intimate partners lose faith in their relationship’s ability to revive, they also lose motivation, energy, and desire to keep working on it. That loss of hope can happen early on in some relationships or after much disillusionment in others. Hope is the fuel that partner’s use to keep trying. To keep that hope alive, both partners must hold it sacred and never threaten the other with abandonment unless there are truly no more avenues to walk.
Hope is always possible if transformation is included in the equation. It is required in order to keep the other contributing factors at bay. Without hope, intimate partners will ultimately narrow their focus, lose energy to keep trying, begin looking for escapes, and start blaming their partners for what has gone wrong. They are in anticipatory grief of a loss they do not believe they can endure. They will become physically exhausted, emotionally drained, quick to negative emotions, sexually uninterested, and spiritually without faith that things can change.
This is the time for compassion. People who once loved each other deeply can put their own distresses aside and care for someone who once was their most trusted and treasured companion. Had that partner felt lost or unhappy when the relationship was new, the other would have rushed in to help. Now, both must simultaneously reach back into the past and revive those prior responses to take away the pain the other is experiencing. No one can do that easily when attacks, character assignations, or invalidations are common interchanges. Those must cease for hope to remain alive.
Relationship disenchantment can feel like an irrevocable loss. One-time mutually beloved partners, who were in awe and wonder of each other when they fell in love, have now lost the magical feelings that made them feel so invincible when that love was new. That remarkable connection that seemed irreplaceable and unassailable is now buried in suspicion and anguish.
If partners who are still enchanted with each other could see the warning signs of that heart-breaking potential, they would have a chance to hold on to the wonderment they created together. It only takes the willingness to be consistently vigilant to the warning signs to stop that negative spiral before it begins.
Saturday, October 03, 2015
Dear diary,
Now I question myself if I like LB. I am so afraid to fall for someone and invest my emotions and feelings into a relationship again. It's such a tiring process. I know it should not be. It is supposed to be a fun and happy process. But after so many failed attempts at sustaining a relationship, you become so scared to lose something which doesn't come by easily that you rather not touch it.
Sighpie. The conversations with him during the first week were so enjoyable. He's really cute. Until he went away for his intense training with limited wifi which explains the slow texting, I lost that momentum. And now, I just feel so scared to talk to him again. Dear diary, why am I such a wuss :( looking at his fb profile, the people that he is surrounded with, I can't help but to feel insufficient. I need that courage :|
AHHHHHH. Annoyed by my own lack of confidence. Weiling ah Weiling.. Can you just do it man. Man up!!! Think of it as you don't really have anything to lose. "We can try."
Weiling
Monday, September 28, 2015
Dear diary,
It's been years! Anyway, I am so excited to say that.. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY. Well, there's actually nothing going on between us yet. But at least we are chatting. He's really cute. Positive vibe and all. Unlike the past where I have always fallen for guys whom I have chemistry with, that something more like what I have always said, now I believe that there is something else that is as equally important to me which I have always overlooked - and that is, someone who can bring out the best in me. AHHH. I haven't had such googoogaga feeling over someone for years already. I hope something comes out of it!! Though I haven't actually really met him (only once, and that's like 6 months ago), I am actually missing him. Well, I guess it really doesn't take two people to be in the same part of the world to connect.
On a side note, I am really over B. Erm this new guy's name actually starts with B. But just to be consistent, new guy will be called LB, and B will remain as Ivan. So anyway, I still hope to reach out to B. I really want to prove to him that despite past romantic complications, a guy and a girl can still be friends, and that my friendship with him is for real, not just any that comes and goes out of convenience. Sigh. People might say that things have changed, so why still bother when he doesn't seem to care. But somehow, I just feel a special connection with him, and this doesn't have to be romantic. I really don't know how to explain this. I might have a soft spot for him I guess. Like how I have a thing for broken people. Sigh. During the bbq, I got to know that he did show actions that he cares. But why did he sound so reluctant and uncomfortable when I texted and asked for a meetup? Is it because he is afraid that I am still carrying hopes of something romantic which he doesn't want me to and so he is avoiding me? Or is it that he just doesn't want to face all these complications like lingering feelings of confusion and unhappiness because it will be another mental torture again? I really really hope he opens up. I still care for him as a person but I don't want to be forceful about it. But I will not give up. I will continue to write the letter book to him.
So anyway, recently I have been trying to describe and associate adjectives with guys in my life that I've liked/like. Pretty interesting. Here we go.
1) Shengyu - Super sweet/caring, fun, smart/all rounded
2) Matthew - Simple, happy, cute, sensitive, fun and cheeky
3) Aylwin - Chemistry, cute, sensitive, fun and cheeky
4) Elisha - Simple, sweet, cute
5) Ivan - Super sweet/caring, ultra chemistry, sensitive, fun and cheeky, real (though limited to situations)
6) LB (up to date) - Positive, inspiring, happy, simple, cute, fun and cheeky, smart/all rounded, real
I miss LB though. I can't wait to meet him in person (not like there are already arrangements to. I am just hoping for one because of our conversations that are suggestive of it.). But that girl that keeps tagging him and said that she missed him in one of the posts.. :( make it sound like they are so close. To add on, drumming is like an additional similarity and interest that they share :( I am scared :( that he is already "taken". Diary, please bless me.
Weiling
It's been years! Anyway, I am so excited to say that.. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY. Well, there's actually nothing going on between us yet. But at least we are chatting. He's really cute. Positive vibe and all. Unlike the past where I have always fallen for guys whom I have chemistry with, that something more like what I have always said, now I believe that there is something else that is as equally important to me which I have always overlooked - and that is, someone who can bring out the best in me. AHHH. I haven't had such googoogaga feeling over someone for years already. I hope something comes out of it!! Though I haven't actually really met him (only once, and that's like 6 months ago), I am actually missing him. Well, I guess it really doesn't take two people to be in the same part of the world to connect.
On a side note, I am really over B. Erm this new guy's name actually starts with B. But just to be consistent, new guy will be called LB, and B will remain as Ivan. So anyway, I still hope to reach out to B. I really want to prove to him that despite past romantic complications, a guy and a girl can still be friends, and that my friendship with him is for real, not just any that comes and goes out of convenience. Sigh. People might say that things have changed, so why still bother when he doesn't seem to care. But somehow, I just feel a special connection with him, and this doesn't have to be romantic. I really don't know how to explain this. I might have a soft spot for him I guess. Like how I have a thing for broken people. Sigh. During the bbq, I got to know that he did show actions that he cares. But why did he sound so reluctant and uncomfortable when I texted and asked for a meetup? Is it because he is afraid that I am still carrying hopes of something romantic which he doesn't want me to and so he is avoiding me? Or is it that he just doesn't want to face all these complications like lingering feelings of confusion and unhappiness because it will be another mental torture again? I really really hope he opens up. I still care for him as a person but I don't want to be forceful about it. But I will not give up. I will continue to write the letter book to him.
So anyway, recently I have been trying to describe and associate adjectives with guys in my life that I've liked/like. Pretty interesting. Here we go.
1) Shengyu - Super sweet/caring, fun, smart/all rounded
2) Matthew - Simple, happy, cute, sensitive, fun and cheeky
3) Aylwin - Chemistry, cute, sensitive, fun and cheeky
4) Elisha - Simple, sweet, cute
5) Ivan - Super sweet/caring, ultra chemistry, sensitive, fun and cheeky, real (though limited to situations)
6) LB (up to date) - Positive, inspiring, happy, simple, cute, fun and cheeky, smart/all rounded, real
I miss LB though. I can't wait to meet him in person (not like there are already arrangements to. I am just hoping for one because of our conversations that are suggestive of it.). But that girl that keeps tagging him and said that she missed him in one of the posts.. :( make it sound like they are so close. To add on, drumming is like an additional similarity and interest that they share :( I am scared :( that he is already "taken". Diary, please bless me.
Weiling
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine if, we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim"
"Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner! yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir" "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love or like someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family,
for they have helped make you the person that you are today.
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine if, we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim"
"Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner! yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir" "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love or like someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family,
for they have helped make you the person that you are today.
Repost: Tammy http://ohsofickle.blogspot.sg/2013/09/fight-for-you.html
I no longer want to be that f-king prideful bitch.
"When you make decisions, follow your heart and not your mind. For if your mind’s decision fails, you regret. But if your heart fails, you just smile and say, “Nice try.”"
Fight For You
Let me clear the million thoughts i have in my head before i finish up
my work cus i can't seem to concentrate and focus with so much on my
mind right now and i am thankful i have this space.
I am so different from most girls and sometimes it's just scary. I can
give great advices but i can never follow my own advices cus i function
so differently from most of my girl friends.
Ok so as you all know, i'm now....single. It is tough accepting the fact
and i still refuse to accept the fact because i still love him but
well, i am. It does suck and when i go through such a period, i tend to
do a lot of self-reflections.
There are many reasons to break ups and the most common thing is
Cheating so when i told people that i'm Single, most people assumed it
was that but no, THANKFULLY not. It was more like i got my priorities
wrong and neglected his feelings. Which i regret and i've never really
felt this regretful in my life. I realized i've gone through about 3
break ups, most of it i have blogged about before and most of ya'll
would know who i was with before if ya'll followed my blog since i first
started. Makes me look terrible because i don't know any other blogger
with that many break up stories? Lol. Then again, none of my break up
was that bad since i'm friends with all my ex-boyfriends. Wouldn't say
close friends but we say Hi Bye and i would like to believe despite it
all we still do care for each other from afar. Most people tell me it's
impossible to be friends with exes, but whoa.....i am? Which makes me
wonder...WTH WHY?
Reason how most of my relationships ended is because i'm Egoistic &
Prideful. Such a guys thing right? But sadly, the truth is that i am and
i only realized how bad it is now. Looking back at my past failed
relationships, i realized one thing i never did, i have never "fought
for what i really wanted". I always put on an act. I always acted like i
was happy, i was living a happier life. So when the guy i've just
broken up with sees it, he would think this way "Oh, since she's happier
without me. i shall not bother her and move on then". Then the guy i
love moves on, then i start to feel sad and cry like F and start going
crazy and saying how they didn't love me enough that's why. I would hate
the girl, hate whoever who goes near him. It's stupid because i had all
the time in the world to text him and give in when he wanted me but i
didn't. It's like despite them begging for me to forgive them and all,
my stupid pride didn't allow me to forgive them that easily. I expected
them to start chasing and proving themselves. I expected things to turn
out like in the movies - flowers at my doorstep....shit like that.
Most of the time when my friend goes through such a break up, i'd tell
them "fight for it...don't give up!". But what the hell..... i have
never fought for it, i always put on a show and appeared very "strong".
Because i'm prideful as a girlfriend, i never wanted to look pathetic in
front of him. I never wanted to go knocking on his door in tears, i
never wanted to send him drunk texts telling him how much i loved him
even when i did. This Pride KILLED IT ALL. Made me lose people i love.
Which is why i say, i am so Different from everyone - most girls. I
don't love my boyfriend less than they do, deep down i know i don't! But
i think people assume i don't love him enough because of how "strong"
and "okay" i appear after a break up. I find it so difficult to share my
problems with my friends because my mind just works so differently from
them. Also, my friends do give advices but i never listen, not because i
think it's bad advices but i always want to do things my way so if
anything fucks up, i have no one to blame but me. And you know what, i
always do things the wrong way.
Because i realize this is killing all my relationships, i really want to
make a change in myself. I don't want to put on this act anymore. I
don't want to act tough in front of him, i don't want to act like i can
get a better guy and i didn't need him. I want to fight for the person i
really love. Even if i look pathetic and sad, at least for once i can
say, I Fought For Someone.I no longer want to be that f-king prideful bitch.
"When you make decisions, follow your heart and not your mind. For if your mind’s decision fails, you regret. But if your heart fails, you just smile and say, “Nice try.”"
Dear diary,
It's been a 4 months since that incident happened. Even though I might seem perfectly alright, living each day as it is, I can't deny that this issue has been boggling my mind since forever.
I don't even know what I want. I have been asking myself this question. Why is it that it still bothers me? And I can't seem to find an answer to it. He is the only person that has known me so well. Everytime my colleagues comment on something that they think describes me totally, I would put up a smile and laugh along. But deep down, I am the exact opposite. I can't even say that my best friend SW knows me as well as he does (or did). And this is that one reason why he is still so special to me.
The precious past that we shared seems like long forgotten history. And I feel nothing even if each time I looked at our photos, or even at the special swing box that he made for me. I felt nothing even as I saw him at the gathering a few weeks ago. I don't know if it's suppressed feelings, or is it that I am long ago over it. But as much as I no longer feel any sense of attachment towards him, I do miss him. Or rather, I do miss us. How can that be? The worst thing is that, we haven't done anything wrong to become the state we are today, have we? I don't want to analyse anything anymore. I want to feel. Everytime I tell myself maybe I should just let go, I pull back. I can't bear to. What should I do?
There You'll Be - Faith Hill
When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life
When I look back on these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
And everywhere I am there you'll be
Well you showed me how it feels
To feel the sky within my reach
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me
Your love made me make it through
Oh I owe so much to you
You were right there for me
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
'Cause I always saw in you my light, my strength
And I want to thank you now for all the ways
You were right there for me
(You were right there for me)
You were right there for me
For always
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
And everywhere I am there you'll be
There you'll be
It's been a 4 months since that incident happened. Even though I might seem perfectly alright, living each day as it is, I can't deny that this issue has been boggling my mind since forever.
I don't even know what I want. I have been asking myself this question. Why is it that it still bothers me? And I can't seem to find an answer to it. He is the only person that has known me so well. Everytime my colleagues comment on something that they think describes me totally, I would put up a smile and laugh along. But deep down, I am the exact opposite. I can't even say that my best friend SW knows me as well as he does (or did). And this is that one reason why he is still so special to me.
The precious past that we shared seems like long forgotten history. And I feel nothing even if each time I looked at our photos, or even at the special swing box that he made for me. I felt nothing even as I saw him at the gathering a few weeks ago. I don't know if it's suppressed feelings, or is it that I am long ago over it. But as much as I no longer feel any sense of attachment towards him, I do miss him. Or rather, I do miss us. How can that be? The worst thing is that, we haven't done anything wrong to become the state we are today, have we? I don't want to analyse anything anymore. I want to feel. Everytime I tell myself maybe I should just let go, I pull back. I can't bear to. What should I do?
There You'll Be - Faith Hill
When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life
When I look back on these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
And everywhere I am there you'll be
Well you showed me how it feels
To feel the sky within my reach
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me
Your love made me make it through
Oh I owe so much to you
You were right there for me
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
'Cause I always saw in you my light, my strength
And I want to thank you now for all the ways
You were right there for me
(You were right there for me)
You were right there for me
For always
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
And everywhere I am there you'll be
There you'll be
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Dear diary,
So much has happened. It's been more than a month since that incident with B happened. Btw did I not mention that the potentially potential talk ended up nasty? Well, I don't really know how and why it turned out this way. But just know that perhaps we were never meant for each other.
I don't know what kind of misunderstandings we had, but the state we are in now, is almost equivalent to having lost each other.
And during this period, sometimes I missed him so much. You know how many times I felt the temptation to pick up my phone and dial his number? I miss that source of support. I miss that voice that never fails to give me comfort whenever I needed it. I miss that warm face. I miss that warm touch. I miss that never ending telephone calls, the "must be your fat cheeks that pressed the end call button right", the "you put down first, no you put down first", and the "creak creak" unawkward awkward silence. But I knew I had to keep that to myself because I don't know how comfortable he is with me, I don't want to pressurize him. I wish so much that I can still be there for him, and for him to be there for me. How I wish that closeness would last forever. But everyone knows that forever is an impossible. Well, now whenever I needed to feel his presence, I look at and think about the starry box. That symbol of his love and care which had to go. Dammit. I hate this. Im fighting so hard against gravity for those tears to not trickle down.
Apparently, he isn't the right one for me. I know it. And I accept it. It's just that, I still miss him as a person, not a status. It's strange because I don't even remember what memorable incidences we had exactly, or what we shared together, but the feeling of attachment to him is still around.
Sigh. Do we really have to end up being strangers even if we didn't end up together romantically? I need you. I need you so much. Even if we were not together, you mean so much to me. Sometimes I wonder why. I don't even know. But having you around gives me so much comfort that nobody else can. But apparently, you can't be there for me. And I really know and accept that this is not what I want in a relationship and in my future. But I just miss you so much. All I want to be happy is for us to not lose each other, for us to be the most open and frank with each other. I wouldn't even mind us having a partner of our own that will give us the right happiness. I just don't want to lose you, do you understand? It's not because I still have feelings for you, but because your presence in my life means too much to me.
I wonder if you are doing okay. And I apologize for not being able to face you too (though you may not be ready to face me either). Just hope you will find peace and be happy. It really pains me to see how you're unwilling to believe in and let love in. You seemed so happy when you were receptive. Why did you have to shun away and put up all that coldness, oh and there's the gifting when logic hit you?
The fact that now sis is attached, I'd only see her 3 times per day and sometimes I feel so lonely. But Im really happy
Had such a bad day at work today. Feeling so sucky. Wished I could dial your number right now and indulge myself in that warm comfort that your voice never fails to bring. That voice that puts a smile to my face and heart before I turn in. But I know I can't. I can't be selfish. So I gotta be strong. I gotta be strong, myself.
So much has happened. It's been more than a month since that incident with B happened. Btw did I not mention that the potentially potential talk ended up nasty? Well, I don't really know how and why it turned out this way. But just know that perhaps we were never meant for each other.
I don't know what kind of misunderstandings we had, but the state we are in now, is almost equivalent to having lost each other.
And during this period, sometimes I missed him so much. You know how many times I felt the temptation to pick up my phone and dial his number? I miss that source of support. I miss that voice that never fails to give me comfort whenever I needed it. I miss that warm face. I miss that warm touch. I miss that never ending telephone calls, the "must be your fat cheeks that pressed the end call button right", the "you put down first, no you put down first", and the "creak creak" unawkward awkward silence. But I knew I had to keep that to myself because I don't know how comfortable he is with me, I don't want to pressurize him. I wish so much that I can still be there for him, and for him to be there for me. How I wish that closeness would last forever. But everyone knows that forever is an impossible. Well, now whenever I needed to feel his presence, I look at and think about the starry box. That symbol of his love and care which had to go. Dammit. I hate this. Im fighting so hard against gravity for those tears to not trickle down.
Apparently, he isn't the right one for me. I know it. And I accept it. It's just that, I still miss him as a person, not a status. It's strange because I don't even remember what memorable incidences we had exactly, or what we shared together, but the feeling of attachment to him is still around.
Sigh. Do we really have to end up being strangers even if we didn't end up together romantically? I need you. I need you so much. Even if we were not together, you mean so much to me. Sometimes I wonder why. I don't even know. But having you around gives me so much comfort that nobody else can. But apparently, you can't be there for me. And I really know and accept that this is not what I want in a relationship and in my future. But I just miss you so much. All I want to be happy is for us to not lose each other, for us to be the most open and frank with each other. I wouldn't even mind us having a partner of our own that will give us the right happiness. I just don't want to lose you, do you understand? It's not because I still have feelings for you, but because your presence in my life means too much to me.
I wonder if you are doing okay. And I apologize for not being able to face you too (though you may not be ready to face me either). Just hope you will find peace and be happy. It really pains me to see how you're unwilling to believe in and let love in. You seemed so happy when you were receptive. Why did you have to shun away and put up all that coldness, oh and there's the gifting when logic hit you?
The fact that now sis is attached, I'd only see her 3 times per day and sometimes I feel so lonely. But Im really happy
Had such a bad day at work today. Feeling so sucky. Wished I could dial your number right now and indulge myself in that warm comfort that your voice never fails to bring. That voice that puts a smile to my face and heart before I turn in. But I know I can't. I can't be selfish. So I gotta be strong. I gotta be strong, myself.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
OMG diary. OMG. I actually looked for B yesterday, and told him about my feelings. Like after knowing him for 3 years. And it all turned out to be so good. I mean, I can't say for sure the outcome is gonna be how I imagine it to be (that is, being together with him), but I am almost all confident that he feels something for me.
Right, I shall begin with the story. So, I met him up last Saturday, and I felt so lucky because the rest couldn't make it for our gathering, that was why I had the chance to meet him up alone. It's really hard to meet up with him because it's either him or me who is busy. And the feeling I had was just, amazing. I thought after not talking to or even seeing him for ages, we wouldn't be as close as we were. I was even regretting my decision to ask him out before I met him because I was dead beat. But when we met, this thought just seemed silly because everything just fell right into place. That gaze, touch, voice, and just that vibe. It made me feel like I'd known them for millions of years. They were just, so familiar.
He made me laugh, as always. And whenever he is around, I am so comfortable. That tearing down of my skepticism, that falling into his "embrace", that comfort.. they are just indescribable. Everything that we say, they just fall into place. And the best thing is that, they didn't even require any conscious effort. I really love this. Really. I have never experienced such comfort and happiness with anyone I've met. And Idk how to convince him of this. Especially when I'm someone who isn't really that proficient in my vocab. But I can feel it. He gives me this feeling that nobody else can.
So yup, he was so so sweet on that day. Firstly, he said that it was impossible for him to not wear a cap out if he doesn't style his hair. But when he appeared, he did so with unstyled hair. And when I asked, he said this. "Because you said don't style my hair." Goodness. MY HEART MELTED. And he invited me up to his place to get the korean stuff that he got for the group. So I went (I was the one who wanted to get the stuff though). But the thought of inviting me up to his place, ending up in his room, was so intimate. I wished I could've stayed but I had to meet a biker guy for supper. And while I was there, we were disturbing each other as usual, all the tickling and teasing. It just felt like who was this person who made me SO IN LOVE. When he took out a book with cats on the cover, my heart melted for the hundredth time. He told me that he got an additional present just for me only. Dear diary, how can anyone be such a sweet little thing. At that instant, I thought, I could just hug him till forever.
And most importantly, how agitated he was when he I refused to show him how the biker guy looked.. It was just cute. He even said that he wanted to spy on him and I if I refused to show it to him, and that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep if I hadn't shown it to him (which I didn't eventually anyway haha. Told him it was meaningless but he just got so agitated still. In fact, I just didn't wanna show it to him because I thought he was better looking anyway and I didn't see much significance in the biker guy anyway.)
Right, so that day was simply amazing. With him by my side, I felt like I could do just anything (okay not literally anything but I can totally be a pampered little girl and let my guards down) because I know I am protected with him around. I feel safe. I feel doted on. I feel loved.
So anyway, I began that little obsession over him. Everyday since last Saturday, every moment he was on my mind. Okay this sounds creepy but I was just thinking about us, like seriously thinking. In the past I might have been thinking a lot too (sometimes overly thinking), but I just feel like this time round I've matured? I don't just ruminate, but I consider action options seriously. So, I knew I had to do something. Like seriously finally not just talk but DO IT. If I'd wanted him, I have to step up. How can I ever let someone so amazing go? I will never forgive myself if I'd let him go. Especially when I met up with a friend of mine who used to like me back in the poly days, and also when husky texted me all over again (with all his trying so hard to impress intentions), the more I feel turned off and the more I feel the strong attraction towards B. The presence of the other guys just drew me closer to B. So I finally mustered all that courage, and decided to meet him no matter what. I KNEW, I HAD TO LET HIM KNOW. I had to open up myself for this amazing man. This keeper. Even if I was gonna be heartbroken eventually, I had to tell him my feelings. I had to try.
So, I managed to meet him eventually. And indeed, as the famous quote goes, "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it - Benjamin Mee, We Bought a Zoo", okay maybe not promise, but at least it is worth a try. But lucky me, the outcome seemed good.
Oh god. He was so shy. That moment when I said it, it was like.. BREAKTHROUGH. I had never felt that sense of relief before. It was like that sort of liberation when you jump down from a cliff or something. Not like I'd experienced cliff jumping before, but it's just what I imagine it to be for most people. My stomach was like exploding with butterflies, flying at insane speed. And just within that 20 seconds, I did it. I was so proud of myself. Anyway, that blurted out response from him was totally cute. Because I said that I met up with my poly guy friend who used to like me and had asked me if it was possible for us to be together but whom I rejected, with the explanation that I was looking for something more, and that though I have zero idea what that "more" was, but I could see that "more" in him, he blurted out, "so are you saying that you like me?" in that shocked and is-this-true look. Haha. I didn't say it straight though. In fact, I had this dilemma in me. I can't believe after all that mind killing thinking about my feelings for him, I couldn't say that I like him. There was still a sense of hesitance in me. Oh god I just wanna slap myself. I thought I was so clear of my feelings, I had never expected that hesitance. So I said it in a way that the more the other guys acted, the more I feel the urge to compare him and them, and the more I am aware of how comfortable he makes me feel, and that the "more" I was looking for has always been around me.
Haha. So anyway, he turned away. He said "I'm so shy". Hahaha. Oh god, kill me. That look and that comment, were just too cute. I couldn't stop laughing. His ears turned red like tomatoes. And after all that imagined him-pinching-omg-this-is-real thing that was playing in my mind, we came back to reality. And we talked about it. I could sense that he was so filled with insecurities. SO MUCH OF IT. Such that he keeps questioning my "feelings".
"Is it because you keep comparing us, that's why you think I am better? But these may not be feelings of liking, it's just better than the rest, so if there was someone else whom you think is better than me, you won't like me anymore."
"Is it because you've known me for so long already, that is why you feel most comfortable with me? (so it might not be feelings for him but because he's a convenient source of comfort)"
"Is it because I'm easy and a more viable option now? (I commented not to use the word option because it would seem like there are hundreds and thousands of that. And to my amazement, he said that it's true that I have lots of other guys around me as my options)"
"Is it because I have always been there for you and been through tough times with you (being around for me during my down times with E) that's why you feel comfortable? So if you had such opportunities with others, you might "like" them too. (meaning I have no basis for comparison to make sure that I really like him and it's not just simply because he has been through those with me that's why I claim to like him)" He even said that he thinks he's the only one who has gone through such times with me.
"But you still go out with other guys. So I have never thought that you would have such thoughts about me. If you had more opportunities with other guys, would you have preferred to know them better and might take an interest in them subsequently?"
"Is it because I do a lot of sweet things for you? (suggesting that he's making sure I wasn't confusing gratitude with feelings for him?)"
(In the context of Cheryl wanting to introduce her friend to me) "So were you interested in that guy that Cheryl wanted to introduce to you?"
HE NEVER STOPPED QUESTIONING. Now you see why I say he has so much insecurities. But I can totally understand where he is coming from. He doesn't wanna step into something that he thinks he might very possibly end up getting hurt and regret his decision. Especially when he is one who has trust issues, issues of letting go, and a super high level of vulnerability to being "abandoned". I understand, I really do. That was why I was also trying my best to reassure him, to convince him that my feelings are true. But when he asked about feelings feelings, (cos according to him, we were using logic to analyze things for the first half of the conversation), he asked "so how do you feel towards me?", I hesitated. I didn't know how to respond to that. But thinking of it now, I wonder if my hesitance was due to the subconscious uncertainty within me, or was it simply because I am not one who expresses well with words. GAH I know I'm going in circles and not saying any focus here, but I just wanna jot down everything so that I will not forget any of these small little details that mean so much to me.
So anyway, I had this adrenaline which made me keep touching his face. And he didn't seem to not like it. In fact, he let me do it, without showing acts of resisting. Idk. I just felt like he was enjoying it. That built up romance. And there was this moment when he was showing me something on his phone, he was actually holding his phone while I held on to it too. So it was like me holding onto his hand which was holding on to his phone. And he didn't let go of his phone. He could've let go of it and let me hold on to it on my own since I already drawn it to my side. But he didn't. He allowed me to hold on to his hand holding the phone.
And when it was my turn to ask him about his thoughts and feelings, he didn't exactly tell me about any feelings because gah he's just an overly self protective, guarded, and careful person. And apparently, he said he needs time to think and give these a serious thought before saying anything. But I was already contented. Because he told me that he feels at ease and comfortable around me and that it is good. He said he doesn't have to worry about how I think about him (meaning he can let go of most guard put up and be himself) because he doesn't have to think about having nothing to say with me. You can just imagine how happy I felt when I heard that (although I also told him that I kinda already know about that haha. Some self praise here but I don't care haha). The entire conversation was just.. receptive? And so potentially potential.
Apparently, to him, he said he's always thought that we were just friends, and never really thought about us being more than that, because I have never shown any signs of liking him. Idk how true that is, but yeah shall give him the benefit of doubt. But on another hand, isn't it obvious enough that I take a certain extent of interest in him when I do sweet things for him too? Well, maybe unless he sees it as I do that to everyone. And I'm saying this is because he said I will say "i miss you" to everyone when I used that as a judgment to determine that I like him (other than being affected when he refused to talk to me when he was sorta angry with me over husky). So to him, he thinks that I say imy to everyone else so it isn't special. And he prolly thinks that I do such sweet things to everyone too? Might be true. But oh well, I knew the imy I say to him obviously means more. So I told him that when I say that to others, I simply say it flatly; but when I say it to him, I feel shy. And thankfully, he took that.
But we haven't had much conclusions yet. And he asked me to go back and think about my feelings for him, as he would, because according to him, he thinks such things shouldn't be said or acted in a rush because they would be inaccurate (might be due to adrenaline rush? so we over exaggerate our feelings or thoughts?). So here I am, thinking about it. I don't really wanna overthink though. I just know that I will never forgive myself if I'd allowed myself to let him go.
Oh yes, and he actually texted to ask if I was home yesterday. And I thought, he wouldn't do that usually, and it felt really sweet for him to have done that because it just makes me feel like he was trying.
Well, it was a potentially good talk. So as much as I am confident that he takes an interest in me, I have my fair share of fear as well, that he might not be courageous enough to try stepping into something so major to him (rs to him seems like something that will last through eternity kinda thing), or that he would say something like actually he doesn't really like me afterall and that all those shyness and enjoying moments with me were all exaggerated. Because I also know that he isn't one who can just be together with someone just because that someone has feelings for him (as evidenced by how a girl once confessed to him and he tried to behave like they were dating by walking her home and being romantic, but he said he just couldn't do it because he didn't feel anything for her). I do fear this too. But and again, he also seems to be someone who "doesn't mind trying". So yeah, I just hope that he would really give us a chance, because I see lots of potentially beautiful things we could share. AHH but and again, he said before that I am too precious to lose (so he wouldn't date me because he didn't wanna risk losing someone so great due to a breakup. And he didn't mind trying out with that girl because he didn't mind losing her. Doesn't make sense to me but oh well). But that was like 2 years ago though and I feel like he's changed to be more positive and mature cos he's already stopped saying that a relationship is bound to end up in breakups. I also fear that his level of confidence is still really low, so even if he likes me, he might not think that he is capable of being a good boyfriend to me (he is one with an overly high sense of responsibility). So many fears. But I still choose to hold on to my belief and faith in him.
Okay so finally, to sum up, I'm just gonna wait for him to get to me. And I hope with my all my heart, that he will be willing to give this a shot. I hope that since I was the first girl that he can talk to, likewise, I would be able to be that different girl, who is able to let him believe in love all over again, and mend that broken heart. I know I lose motivation easily and I really wanna smack myself for that, but he is special. And he is worth every of my effort to keep. With that said, I hope these 3 years of brain wrecking and mind torturing thinking would all be worth it.
GAHH. It still feels so surreal.
Right, I shall begin with the story. So, I met him up last Saturday, and I felt so lucky because the rest couldn't make it for our gathering, that was why I had the chance to meet him up alone. It's really hard to meet up with him because it's either him or me who is busy. And the feeling I had was just, amazing. I thought after not talking to or even seeing him for ages, we wouldn't be as close as we were. I was even regretting my decision to ask him out before I met him because I was dead beat. But when we met, this thought just seemed silly because everything just fell right into place. That gaze, touch, voice, and just that vibe. It made me feel like I'd known them for millions of years. They were just, so familiar.
He made me laugh, as always. And whenever he is around, I am so comfortable. That tearing down of my skepticism, that falling into his "embrace", that comfort.. they are just indescribable. Everything that we say, they just fall into place. And the best thing is that, they didn't even require any conscious effort. I really love this. Really. I have never experienced such comfort and happiness with anyone I've met. And Idk how to convince him of this. Especially when I'm someone who isn't really that proficient in my vocab. But I can feel it. He gives me this feeling that nobody else can.
So yup, he was so so sweet on that day. Firstly, he said that it was impossible for him to not wear a cap out if he doesn't style his hair. But when he appeared, he did so with unstyled hair. And when I asked, he said this. "Because you said don't style my hair." Goodness. MY HEART MELTED. And he invited me up to his place to get the korean stuff that he got for the group. So I went (I was the one who wanted to get the stuff though). But the thought of inviting me up to his place, ending up in his room, was so intimate. I wished I could've stayed but I had to meet a biker guy for supper. And while I was there, we were disturbing each other as usual, all the tickling and teasing. It just felt like who was this person who made me SO IN LOVE. When he took out a book with cats on the cover, my heart melted for the hundredth time. He told me that he got an additional present just for me only. Dear diary, how can anyone be such a sweet little thing. At that instant, I thought, I could just hug him till forever.
And most importantly, how agitated he was when he I refused to show him how the biker guy looked.. It was just cute. He even said that he wanted to spy on him and I if I refused to show it to him, and that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep if I hadn't shown it to him (which I didn't eventually anyway haha. Told him it was meaningless but he just got so agitated still. In fact, I just didn't wanna show it to him because I thought he was better looking anyway and I didn't see much significance in the biker guy anyway.)
Right, so that day was simply amazing. With him by my side, I felt like I could do just anything (okay not literally anything but I can totally be a pampered little girl and let my guards down) because I know I am protected with him around. I feel safe. I feel doted on. I feel loved.
So anyway, I began that little obsession over him. Everyday since last Saturday, every moment he was on my mind. Okay this sounds creepy but I was just thinking about us, like seriously thinking. In the past I might have been thinking a lot too (sometimes overly thinking), but I just feel like this time round I've matured? I don't just ruminate, but I consider action options seriously. So, I knew I had to do something. Like seriously finally not just talk but DO IT. If I'd wanted him, I have to step up. How can I ever let someone so amazing go? I will never forgive myself if I'd let him go. Especially when I met up with a friend of mine who used to like me back in the poly days, and also when husky texted me all over again (with all his trying so hard to impress intentions), the more I feel turned off and the more I feel the strong attraction towards B. The presence of the other guys just drew me closer to B. So I finally mustered all that courage, and decided to meet him no matter what. I KNEW, I HAD TO LET HIM KNOW. I had to open up myself for this amazing man. This keeper. Even if I was gonna be heartbroken eventually, I had to tell him my feelings. I had to try.
So, I managed to meet him eventually. And indeed, as the famous quote goes, "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it - Benjamin Mee, We Bought a Zoo", okay maybe not promise, but at least it is worth a try. But lucky me, the outcome seemed good.
Oh god. He was so shy. That moment when I said it, it was like.. BREAKTHROUGH. I had never felt that sense of relief before. It was like that sort of liberation when you jump down from a cliff or something. Not like I'd experienced cliff jumping before, but it's just what I imagine it to be for most people. My stomach was like exploding with butterflies, flying at insane speed. And just within that 20 seconds, I did it. I was so proud of myself. Anyway, that blurted out response from him was totally cute. Because I said that I met up with my poly guy friend who used to like me and had asked me if it was possible for us to be together but whom I rejected, with the explanation that I was looking for something more, and that though I have zero idea what that "more" was, but I could see that "more" in him, he blurted out, "so are you saying that you like me?" in that shocked and is-this-true look. Haha. I didn't say it straight though. In fact, I had this dilemma in me. I can't believe after all that mind killing thinking about my feelings for him, I couldn't say that I like him. There was still a sense of hesitance in me. Oh god I just wanna slap myself. I thought I was so clear of my feelings, I had never expected that hesitance. So I said it in a way that the more the other guys acted, the more I feel the urge to compare him and them, and the more I am aware of how comfortable he makes me feel, and that the "more" I was looking for has always been around me.
Haha. So anyway, he turned away. He said "I'm so shy". Hahaha. Oh god, kill me. That look and that comment, were just too cute. I couldn't stop laughing. His ears turned red like tomatoes. And after all that imagined him-pinching-omg-this-is-real thing that was playing in my mind, we came back to reality. And we talked about it. I could sense that he was so filled with insecurities. SO MUCH OF IT. Such that he keeps questioning my "feelings".
"Is it because you keep comparing us, that's why you think I am better? But these may not be feelings of liking, it's just better than the rest, so if there was someone else whom you think is better than me, you won't like me anymore."
"Is it because you've known me for so long already, that is why you feel most comfortable with me? (so it might not be feelings for him but because he's a convenient source of comfort)"
"Is it because I'm easy and a more viable option now? (I commented not to use the word option because it would seem like there are hundreds and thousands of that. And to my amazement, he said that it's true that I have lots of other guys around me as my options)"
"Is it because I have always been there for you and been through tough times with you (being around for me during my down times with E) that's why you feel comfortable? So if you had such opportunities with others, you might "like" them too. (meaning I have no basis for comparison to make sure that I really like him and it's not just simply because he has been through those with me that's why I claim to like him)" He even said that he thinks he's the only one who has gone through such times with me.
"But you still go out with other guys. So I have never thought that you would have such thoughts about me. If you had more opportunities with other guys, would you have preferred to know them better and might take an interest in them subsequently?"
"Is it because I do a lot of sweet things for you? (suggesting that he's making sure I wasn't confusing gratitude with feelings for him?)"
(In the context of Cheryl wanting to introduce her friend to me) "So were you interested in that guy that Cheryl wanted to introduce to you?"
HE NEVER STOPPED QUESTIONING. Now you see why I say he has so much insecurities. But I can totally understand where he is coming from. He doesn't wanna step into something that he thinks he might very possibly end up getting hurt and regret his decision. Especially when he is one who has trust issues, issues of letting go, and a super high level of vulnerability to being "abandoned". I understand, I really do. That was why I was also trying my best to reassure him, to convince him that my feelings are true. But when he asked about feelings feelings, (cos according to him, we were using logic to analyze things for the first half of the conversation), he asked "so how do you feel towards me?", I hesitated. I didn't know how to respond to that. But thinking of it now, I wonder if my hesitance was due to the subconscious uncertainty within me, or was it simply because I am not one who expresses well with words. GAH I know I'm going in circles and not saying any focus here, but I just wanna jot down everything so that I will not forget any of these small little details that mean so much to me.
So anyway, I had this adrenaline which made me keep touching his face. And he didn't seem to not like it. In fact, he let me do it, without showing acts of resisting. Idk. I just felt like he was enjoying it. That built up romance. And there was this moment when he was showing me something on his phone, he was actually holding his phone while I held on to it too. So it was like me holding onto his hand which was holding on to his phone. And he didn't let go of his phone. He could've let go of it and let me hold on to it on my own since I already drawn it to my side. But he didn't. He allowed me to hold on to his hand holding the phone.
And when it was my turn to ask him about his thoughts and feelings, he didn't exactly tell me about any feelings because gah he's just an overly self protective, guarded, and careful person. And apparently, he said he needs time to think and give these a serious thought before saying anything. But I was already contented. Because he told me that he feels at ease and comfortable around me and that it is good. He said he doesn't have to worry about how I think about him (meaning he can let go of most guard put up and be himself) because he doesn't have to think about having nothing to say with me. You can just imagine how happy I felt when I heard that (although I also told him that I kinda already know about that haha. Some self praise here but I don't care haha). The entire conversation was just.. receptive? And so potentially potential.
Apparently, to him, he said he's always thought that we were just friends, and never really thought about us being more than that, because I have never shown any signs of liking him. Idk how true that is, but yeah shall give him the benefit of doubt. But on another hand, isn't it obvious enough that I take a certain extent of interest in him when I do sweet things for him too? Well, maybe unless he sees it as I do that to everyone. And I'm saying this is because he said I will say "i miss you" to everyone when I used that as a judgment to determine that I like him (other than being affected when he refused to talk to me when he was sorta angry with me over husky). So to him, he thinks that I say imy to everyone else so it isn't special. And he prolly thinks that I do such sweet things to everyone too? Might be true. But oh well, I knew the imy I say to him obviously means more. So I told him that when I say that to others, I simply say it flatly; but when I say it to him, I feel shy. And thankfully, he took that.
But we haven't had much conclusions yet. And he asked me to go back and think about my feelings for him, as he would, because according to him, he thinks such things shouldn't be said or acted in a rush because they would be inaccurate (might be due to adrenaline rush? so we over exaggerate our feelings or thoughts?). So here I am, thinking about it. I don't really wanna overthink though. I just know that I will never forgive myself if I'd allowed myself to let him go.
Oh yes, and he actually texted to ask if I was home yesterday. And I thought, he wouldn't do that usually, and it felt really sweet for him to have done that because it just makes me feel like he was trying.
Well, it was a potentially good talk. So as much as I am confident that he takes an interest in me, I have my fair share of fear as well, that he might not be courageous enough to try stepping into something so major to him (rs to him seems like something that will last through eternity kinda thing), or that he would say something like actually he doesn't really like me afterall and that all those shyness and enjoying moments with me were all exaggerated. Because I also know that he isn't one who can just be together with someone just because that someone has feelings for him (as evidenced by how a girl once confessed to him and he tried to behave like they were dating by walking her home and being romantic, but he said he just couldn't do it because he didn't feel anything for her). I do fear this too. But and again, he also seems to be someone who "doesn't mind trying". So yeah, I just hope that he would really give us a chance, because I see lots of potentially beautiful things we could share. AHH but and again, he said before that I am too precious to lose (so he wouldn't date me because he didn't wanna risk losing someone so great due to a breakup. And he didn't mind trying out with that girl because he didn't mind losing her. Doesn't make sense to me but oh well). But that was like 2 years ago though and I feel like he's changed to be more positive and mature cos he's already stopped saying that a relationship is bound to end up in breakups. I also fear that his level of confidence is still really low, so even if he likes me, he might not think that he is capable of being a good boyfriend to me (he is one with an overly high sense of responsibility). So many fears. But I still choose to hold on to my belief and faith in him.
Okay so finally, to sum up, I'm just gonna wait for him to get to me. And I hope with my all my heart, that he will be willing to give this a shot. I hope that since I was the first girl that he can talk to, likewise, I would be able to be that different girl, who is able to let him believe in love all over again, and mend that broken heart. I know I lose motivation easily and I really wanna smack myself for that, but he is special. And he is worth every of my effort to keep. With that said, I hope these 3 years of brain wrecking and mind torturing thinking would all be worth it.
GAHH. It still feels so surreal.