Dear diary,

I don't wanna feel so miserable anymore. But I can't bring myself to do what I know I am supposed to do. I just can't make things right without screwing anything up in the "relationship" I have with him. Plenty of opportunities were presented right in front of me, to bridge the gap, to undo the hurt that I've caused, and to draw us closer again, but I had to screw things up by sticking to others, neglecting him again. I could've taken the opportunities to chat with him privately. I could have. But my stupid idk pride or fear held me back. It's complete dumbness. Instead of bridging the gap, it is in fact pulling us further apart. And it's to that extent that I don't think he can be bothered by anything anymore, and that I am detaching myself further from him ever than before. I want to recover the closeness of our friendship or intimacy in this "relationship" of ours. But it always comes to this point where this question of why I am doing it pops into my mind and I'll retreat. I feel so miserable. 2 years. It's been 2 years. He's the first guy ever in my life that I am so afraid of falling for, and in most denial over. The problem is that, I don't know what I want. Even if my mind is set on an idea at times, it hovers. It hovers around the question, doubt, and insecurity how much worth my actions contained. And I'll continue to mindfuck myself by going deeper into why it is not worth my emotions investment. Everytime I think about what drew me to him (his sensitivity, simplicity, sweetness, and how special he would treat me as compared to others), I feel like the last thing that I ever wanna do is to let him slip by my life. There's so much potential in us of creating beautiful things together. But what exactly is holding me back? What exactly is holding him back? (I know I shouldn't assume that he is holding anything back. But seriously, will any guy just go all out to do so many special things for you if they do not feel the least feelings for you?) But on the other hand, everytime his passivity, negativity, and indifference surface, I feel helpless and I feel like letting him go. I just can't bear to not have him which is damn selfish on my part. But his "coming back" such as acts of showing that he still values me always make me make a u turn back to holding on to him in my life. Sighpie. What do I really want?