Okay okay. I gotta admit it. I think the main reason for my emptiness lately is because the knot in my heart is still tightly tied. I have something left unfinished and undone, which is bothering me. And yup, that is, the thing with B. Ahh if anyone was gonna read my blog, but I don't think anyone remembers this old link, I think they would just get so sick and frustrated that they would probably just roll their eyes at the sight of the letter B, and then immediately regret typing in my url in the first place. But ahh oh wells, this space is meant for me, myself, and I only. So, who cares. Haha. Still can't believe that M, haha yeah yeah you, the only guy whom I have ever confessed my feelings to (I still find it a wonder how I did it given my prideful or shy nature), once told me he would pay to read my diary. Well, too bad he doesn't know of this, haha. K la but of cos I didn't let him pay nor read my diary. He would probably freak out reading those stuff about him I was mesmerized by. Hahaha.

ANYWAY.. I really need to get this straight. B is important to me. And the reason why, which I have been pondering upon but in fact unnecessary afterall, is that, it all sums up to the happy and sad moments we have been through together, and how he is still the one who is able to make me smile. Sighpie. I really gotta be serious in this getting him back thing. Idk if me appearing to be close to others is in fact driving him further away from me, but I don't care anymore. And I don't wanna care who he is close to now anymore. I am gonna try and try and try. I don't wanna lose this special friendship, or rather, I really hope I can do something to bring us back to how close we used to be. Even though I have been hanging out with the rest like one on one frequently lately, nobody else beats B. Yup. That's right. No one. And that's how I got hit hard I guess, that he really no doubt is still that special one to me. Despite how jie, YH, and T have been repeating endlessly about how important effort is when one wants to keep someone close, and that B is someone worth me keeping, I have turned a deaf ear towards their advice. And I shouldn't have even thought of being okay with letting him be a come and go person in my life.

Now that I might already not be as important to him as before, I'll have to put in my 200% if I want this. I'm just a lucky girl who has people like wan, justina, and p and lq who puts in more effort than I do in keeping them and I close. But I won't be that lucky girl everytime. Don't wanna overestimate my place in your heart, but still, I still believe that I was someone once special to you. Otherwise, back then you wouldn't have told me that I was a friend too precious to lose, and to T and the guys that you think I will be the only one who will stay in your life, and you wouldn't have sounded happy when you told me how joe told you that you were lucky you had me. You wouldn't have told my sister that I was the first girl you could talk to, nor would you have put down your pride after having that nightmare by confessing it to me, then spending hours typing that long message to me saying how sorry you were to have avoided me, hoping that you could salvage our friendship and that we would call each other up again to share our "life events" with each other. You wouldn't have came up to me, given your non confrontational nature, to tell that you were disappointed when you were the last to know, and furthermore through your brother, that I took part in cheerleading. I'm sorry. With knowing that you don't allow just anyone to enter your personal life and showing them your vulnerable side easily, and that friends are almost the top most precious thing in your life, I still didn't do my part in keeping you close to me, or more importantly, myself close to you. Despite me promising you a year ago that I wouldn't let you slip away from me anymore because you're different, I did it again. My empty promises have led me to the outcome today. I know I am really a difficult friend to keep. I know yeah, you might think it's pointless to keep me close now. Yes, you might not need me in your life anymore, but I do. I need you. And more importantly, I want to be the one, capable of bringing you pride and happiness once again.

Actions speak louder than words. 200%.