Yup. What matters most is the heart to heart connection between two people which determines how close they get.
Dear diary,
Something happened on Friday which made me realize how I've been taking the friendship of B and I for granted. Just when I thought I know him, in fact, I don't. I don't, at all. That crazily wild side of him stunned me. I was taken aback for a while and at that moment, because I was scared. Really? Is he really that wild and promiscuous? But he once told me that I was more flirtatious than him though. But anyway, knowing that side of him, I am afraid and upset. Afraid that he is a heartbreaker asshole jerk who is flirtatious and disgusting and I would feel vulnerable. Upset that I didn't know these sides of him when I thought I was already close to him. In addition, as the bunch of us hung out that day at holland v, he mentioned something like he and some others are close now, and also, O brought him to a place at mandarin gallery where there are the cheapest macarons. I don't know if that was jealousy or being upset. I used to feel like the only one close and special to him, who will hang out one to one with him. I don't know how close others are to B now, but I feel uncomfortable. I'm afraid. I'm so damn afraid that my place in his heart will be replaced. But I think I totally sabotaged myself. Because I have been nasty to B. Indifferent. And treating him like second option. And it's because of the teasings. I avoid him because of the teasings. How would he wanna hang out with me? Sigh. So yup. It's both incidents. 1) Stories of his wildness; 2) The fact that B thinks he and some others are close now. And he seems sian and unmotivated when talking to me. I'm upset, and scared. I think it's time I act.
Jie told me that if I want someone to open up to me, I have to establish the trust and connection. The basic needs of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which are, security, and interpersonal relationships. Indeed, how dumb was I to think by being hot and cold, B would then cherish our friendship more. How stupid was I. I kinda overestimated myself to think that my importance to him would not fade. How would our closeness not deteriorate? In fact, if I wanted to be close, I should have done the opposite. Always be around and let him enjoy my company so that he will feel connected and be willing to open himself up to me again. Do things that will make him happy. Do things that will make him boost his confidence whenever he is with me. Why do I always have to shoot him down? Why do I always have to pick on his flaws and highlight them to him? But I told jie that I am afraid that while being close to him, making his heart melt and show his most genuine side to me, I would fall for him. And she said, then let it flow. And indeed. Why am I stopping myself? Why do I have to stop myself? Why am I doing so much to stop myself? What is so bad about him that I don't want to be associated with? In fact it's the opposite. He has so many sweet sides of him which he once only showed to me but I pushed these away. So right now, I am regretting all my stupid actions. But it's never too late right? I want to act now. Yes, I want to. I want to keep him close to me. Actions speak louder than words. If I want that trust and connection back, I must act more. Show and let him know that he is important and special to me. Let him know that he can make me happy and take care of me. Let him know how much he means to me. Do it. Before he slips away, for real this time. And jie told me that everything involves pain and risks. Before we can attain safety and love and belongingness, we need to experience pain. So, I guess I gotta give it all out if I want to attain my goal of being back to close friends with B, or even more. Keep trying. I am sure if I manage to gain his trust and establish that connection between just the two of us again, that closeness will be back, and probably even more satisfying this time round. I want to be happy. So stop finding and creating my own misery. I don't want to remain stagnant or even deteriorate in the relation with him.
Go get what makes you happy.
Tell him if he makes you laugh.
Tell him how glad you are to have him.
Tell him how special he is to you.
Tell him that you never wanna lose him.
Tell him he is great and make him feel great.
Encourage him in what he wants and is good at.
Find him when you feel vulnerable;
Let him know that he can protect you and make you feel better.
Let him know that you need him.
Hug him when you feel like he deserves it.
Show him affection because no matter how tough he may look, he needs and longs for affection.
Shower him with all the love that you used to fill him with.
Make him feel appreciated and important.
Make him feel doted.
Make him feel like the happiest boy on Earth.
Be certain and assertive.
Be patient and not overly forceful.
Take baby steps.
Stop dwelling in the past.
Create new and happier memories.
Get his interest and motivation back.
KEEP TRYING.
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