Dear diary, I miss B. He said that I don't talk to him often anymore and so he doesn't recognise my way of texting anymore. Drifting apart with him is the last thing that I would want happening to us. Yet, I chose to take a step back and remain silent. My heart's caught in a terrible struggle :( really hate this.

And the husky guy is getting on my nerves. He doesn't even know me, yet he speaks like he does. And how are we compatible when he says it's scary to see my serious side? 

I really miss B. When we have fun, we laugh like there's no tomorrow. When we're serious, we know when to listen instead of cracking lame jokes.

And as cny comes by, I'm reminded of a particular instance when we phoned each other even as he was otw to msia while in the car with his family and his dad teased him about something which I can't remember (like getting a room with me or something cos we were behaving like we couldn't bear to part with each other even for a night).

Feel like crying as I recall these memories. I want it, yet I don't have the courage to chase it. Though I always say that he can only be my mr almost, deep in my heart I still wished that there was more.

The other day when he said he was disappointed cos he got to know about the husky guy not from me but from someone else, though he appeared to be okay and still be smiley and all, I think he was deeply affected.

Cos there was once when I joined cheerleading but he only knew it when his bro saw me, and to add on, learnt that everyone else knew about it already except for him, he texted me in a serious tone how disappointed he felt. That is why my instincts told me that he is upset that I didn't tell him about the husky guy, something which he might think he would've been the first to know about if it was in the past.

I felt bad, but I knew I had my reason for not letting him know. I didn't want him to nag at me, with knowing that he would bring up all that stuff about me leading the guys on, giving guys the wrong signals and me being naive and gullible. It's just annoying to hear such comments aiming right at your face though I know that he wouldn't have acted as such if deep down he didn't genuinely care for me.

So I tried to act cute, hoping that he would forgive me. And the way I was holding and tugging his arms on the mrt train that night, I felt like the entire world had just stopped for the two of us again. He did not push me away but seemed receptive instead (though he did not initiate any close contact). And I know it's kinda dramatic but I was imagining tugging his arms with a little bit more force and pulling him towards me as I fall into his embrace. :( just sounds dumb isn't it. Daydreaming again.

Hais. Screwed up. Stop living each day as it is. Time to find a solution to these. Feel even more frustrated that I can't express my thoughts as I want to. :(((( vocab jam.

Dear diary, my market value has been kinda high lately hur. Haha not bad uh, at least I know I'm still attractive. First, the office guy at the mrt, then the 2 poly guys at bugis, tt aloysius guy I met at work a while ago, the ex toysrus supervisor, and now the husky guy. Or are people just desperate for a partner these days? I agreed to go on a dinner and movie date with the husky guy. But idk. Now that we're chatting for a bit, he seems too direct (aggressive in a way) and impatient. In fact, he seems to have raging hormones :/ like from 'begging' a friend who is a colleague of mine at udders to ask me for my phone number, directly telling me his intention of talking to me (which is hoping to date me), and saying that he would pop by udders as part of his wanting-to-see-me scheme. I was seriously taken aback. Prolly I haven't been faced with guys with such initiative and confidence for a long time, so it came totally unexpected to me. But actually this kinda makes me think of B more. Even though he's passive and seems emotionless, he's still the one I feel most happy with. The one who makes me smile the brightest. He actually wore the love charm that I gave him though it looked gay (like totally) and doesn't intend to remove it. And as I told him by placing the charm under his pillow, he will receive good luck, he said he better not cos he doesn't want to risk losing it. And the way he was being cheeky by wanting to scoop the awfully tasting chilli from the korean soup for me and by saying that he was like feeding a pig, yet how he was so gentlemanly and sweet when he offered to scoop the actual edible stuff (specially looking out for what I said I like) for me. And also how sweet he was when he took out his cardigan from his bag for me when I asked for it cos I was cold and actually helped me to wear it (he couldve asked me to take it on my own since his bag was just beside me), and how he would place his tissue beside me rather than himself when he opened a new packet. He even asked if I was cold when I wanted to return his cardigan to him and told me to wear it home. Aside from our chemistry, such unconditional sweetness and care and concern really don't come by that often, do they? Should I then grab hold of this affinity before it's gone?

I'm kinda tired of dropping him subtle hints. I'm losing motivation to act. I'm losing feelings for him. But he will never take any initiative even if he wanted something out of it. So should I be the one who takes more initiative? Is it worth trying? Or should I just let him go? My mind tells me I'm ready to let go (or at least I have to be), but my heart says no. And if I don't act, will I lose him and this affinity?
 
When I was with A, I questioned myself why couldn't he be half as willing to spend on me as Adrian was.
When I was with E, I questioned myself why couldn't he be half as passionate as A was, or half as similar to me as B was.
Now when I am not with anyone but long for B, I question myself why can't he be half as initiatory, expressive, or receptive as the rest of them were.

Is the grass always greener on the other side?

Almost Here - Brian McFadden & Delta Goodrem
Did I hear you right
'Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over

You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where a love once shined so bright
Came without a reason

Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Well, haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough

But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh, won't you let me

Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Oh, haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough

And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
(Well, I never knew how far behind I'd left you)

And when I hold you
You're almost here
(Well, I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)

And now I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

Going back to udders to work tomorrow. So dumb of me to be feeling all stressed up over making a waffle (cos I was once scolded for not making a nice waffle even after working there for a couple of months). Ahhh. JIAYOU GIRL. YOU CAN DO IT. PROVE TO OTHERS THAT YOU CAN. Even if you get scolded, accept the criticisms with an open heart and learn from your mistakes. Pick up everything all over again. Start afresh. Like what T said, it's just a minor setback. I would be a loser if I were to give up so easily.

不懂，就问。
不会，就学。
不要怕被别人瞧不起。

JIAYOU!!!!

Dear diary, I miss him. I really do you know. Sometimes I wish we were still as close as before, when we talked everyday without fail, when he would be the first I would wanna share every single thing that happened to me with, when he would also send me every little thing that he came across, when I simply wanted to do the little things for him that made him smile like a little boy just because I liked to, when he would insist to talk to me when I was upset, when he doted on me and when we expressed our care and concern for, and emotions to the other freely and openly. "What are u doing?", "Don't sleep too late.", "U free?", "Call me?", "I'm so happy to have you", "Hope it makes you happy".. The pictures of our dinner, supper, new hairstyle, and other random things that we would send each other.. The little quarrels we had and how we would end up saying sorry and that we didn't want to lose or disappoint each other.. There were so much openly expressed emotions. You used to know everything but now, I have to turn to this space. That period of time was our special relationship as.. Idk if I should say best friends, bro and sis, confidants, or soulmates. We were just.. inseparable? And it's indeed unforgettable. Now, though between us, there's a greater sense of romance, mystery, and suspense, somehow I still miss that closeness when we could tell each other everything and anything, when we were the support for each other in times of sadness, fear, joy, or anger. We've indeed been through a lot, and changed a lot. But one thing that hasn't changed since the start of 2012 till now, is how people would tease us of being an item. I'm not sure if those memories mean anything to you, but I miss you, Ivan. I miss us. We were so close but you felt like just a friend to me. Yet now, when I feel like you're a little more than that to me, we have to become so distant. Is this what they call as meeting the right one but at the wrong moment? And now, I'm like faced with two paths ahead. One is a fully lit path, safe, quiet, peaceful, and void of risks. On the other hand, it is pitch black where no one knows what lies at the other end of it. Flowers and sparks, or continued darkness. I won't deny my feelings for you anymore, but my motivation keeps diminishing gradually.

Went out in a group that day with the rest and hey, B actually wore the gay looking love charm (but which broke when he was on the way to meeting T. *inserts the flabbergasted face* is it a bad omen?!!!) Haha but anyway, it felt sweet. Cos I guess it was totally unexpected since the bracelet really looked quite gay. Haha. And he was so sweet when he actually noticed that I didn't have any idea what game they were playing on their phones and asked if I wanted to play it with the rest on his phone on his behalf, so that I wouldn't be left out. (Reminds me of how he would always be the first to notice that I wasn't okay or was upset (most prolly over E) when I was still attached). And when he was teasing me in front of the rest about how scared I was while watching the horror movie w him, we just dissolved into our own world of making fun of the other. Idk, it felt sweet and special too, like it was as if at that moment, the rest of the world was non existent. Not forgetting when the rest teased us about how they think the reason he joined us eventually was cos of me (since I managed to persuade him to join us), he gave that shy smile and didn't say anything in defense. U know, though I gave the roll-eyes look on my face, in fact, deep within me, I just secretly felt a tad happy. But and again, you're almost but never there.

I think I'm all ready, to let you go. It seems like I can't make you feel happy, nor can I make you feel loved and want to love with all your heart. Perhaps I'm not the right one for you. So I will continue with my journey, to finding the one who will eventually own the key to unlock the chest of my hidden heart. Goodbye B, my Mr Almost.

Dear diary, hanging out with B today made me reflect a lot. First of all, I just wanna say that I think he'll always be the Mr Almost to me.

Kinda sad isn't it? Just for a second, it was like I've fallen in love. With him. It felt so nice, so right. It was as if I've found the feeling that I'd lost ever since I ended things with A 4 years back, the feeling of being in love so much with someone who makes me smile from deep within like a retard.

Wanted to blog about how we hung out on the 17th and how happy he made me (but was too tired from work all these while to do so). I want to have these memories written so they can be remembered. 

Memories of how sweet everything felt when he gave in to me wanting to meet at cityhall even though he didnt want to initially cos he wasn't dressed up for town, when he waited for me for an hour, when we had so much fun together as we randomly decided to explore fort canning park late at night, when he asked if I knew where we were (Registry Of Marriage) after finally finding our way to the park, when I grabbed his arm as I thought I saw something freaky from the corner of my eye, and finally when lucky us witnessed a sweet little thing most prolly some guy did for his gf (making the words "belinda ♡♡♡" in a big heart made up of candles).

I thought I finally found the feeling, with the right person. But another instant just now, it seemed like all these feelings were just an illusion. A sweet dream that I woke up from.

We had dinner together, caught a horror movie together, and it was only until the moment when we sat down and moved on to serious topics of conversation when Idk, I felt like the feeling of falling in love was gone.

It felt good initially when he opened his xmas present and saw the love charm bracelet that I got and made for him (in hope that he will be a happier person with love energy from everywhere that the charm will bring about and surround him with). He tried to it put on, and under the dark but moonlit sky, that few minutes of our attempt with the bracelet made me feel like time had stopped for just the two of us.

But everything was ruined when the conversation moved on to naiveness, truthfulness, lies, and compassion. About how he thinks that lies, not truthfulness, goes together with compassion, and also how he finds me naive and gullible. Please. It is a matter of choice. Choosing to believe the good in people doesn't necessarily mean the denial or ignorance of other possibilities. What would the world become if everyone was as cynical as you are? All that conversation was just disheartening. It felt like as if I was wrong to have commented that he was the first guy who made me feel such genuity in (like what I wrote in the card which he read later on).

Idk. It just made me feel like I should have had second thoughts about feeling that he treats me genuinely nice without any bad intentions (though he msged me after reading the card and told me that I'm in his mostttttttttt important group of friends and that I'm one of the most special people to him that he will show his truthful side to, that he knows he has no bad intentions towards).

The feeling of romance was all gone. It just.. became a moment of glumness, burden, negativity, and unhappiness. The feeling of the lack of romance was just.. amplified. It was like all about he dwelling into sadness towards life. The whole time it was about him, about me, but nothing about us.

U know it was like he wanting to get close but yet not wanting to at the same time. It's so annoying. For instance, when I got close to him for some comfort at the movies, for some reason, he didn't move away but even made a few attempts to scare me further, with knowing that I would get closer for greater comfort. But in that case of seeking the closeness himself, why would he not want to hold or pat my head knowing that I was scared? Why was he as still as a rock?

In addition to the lack of "togetherness" while we sat down and talked, these really took my feelings of falling in love with him away. Was it cos I gave him a love charm, which he interpeted as me wanting him to get into a relationship with others and so took away the romance element between us, or was it cos he simply doesn't want us to develop feelings just in case anything unpleasant happens and he loses me as an important person like what he told others (in fact he told others once that he treats me like a sister but also told me that his godsister in I forgot sec school or ite had that title cos he liked but couldn't be together with her, which made me form the connection)? Or is it cos he just doesn't feel anything for me? But in that case, why would he do so many special things like making the elaborated bday present for me?

And how much can I interpret from his actions when he says that he's someone who doesn't dare to make his feelings known to girls? Yet how much can I trust him when he says that he likes a girl only when he feels like being in a relationship or when she's pretty or popular and he wants to win her (cos he will lose the interest after winning)? Does he even have feelings of love?

I felt so disappointed after hearing this (not like it's the first time I do. In fact I get disappointed every time I hear this from him). In any way, idk how he feels about me, but it's just so tough sustaining my feelings towards him :'( do the genuity and sincerity in him have to be compromised by his lack of love emotions?

Upset. Upset. :( tired and upset. Sigh. Didn't feel much even though another sem is over. And I'm gonna start work tmr. Feel a tad excited but on the other hand, I feel sad cos the feelings towards him swayed again. I wanna feel close to him like how we do at times which makes me smile like a retard, but the sparks are gone. Again. Why can't these feelings be sustained? I really hope we can spend some quality time alone soon. Honestly speaking, he is almost perfectly the one. How we would tease each other but in the end still know that the other cares. How we would do, think, and react in the same way. How special we would treat each other, doing things that we wouldn't do for just any other. N how much laughter we would have from talking to each other. I just wanna lie quietly beside him and talk to him, just the two of us; I want to know him all over again, I wanna connect with him at the deeper level. I miss how things are just between the two of us, I miss how we needed each other and how the presence of the other just made everything better. N so, speaking of which, I really hope something can blossom from this. But I don't wanna force it. I don't like deliberateness. I know opportunities have to be created and efforts are definitely necessary. But I don't wanna force myself to fall in love with him when I don't. I wanna fall in love with him because I just do (which I have experienced before so I know there must be a part of me that still feels for him). But it comes and goes. Sigh. Really don't wanna overthink and be pessimistic anymore. Hope that we could go to bkk with js n yh in jan. Goodnight world!

Confused. Confused. Confused. Missing you, yet feeling so bored talking to you on whatsapp. -_____- why do you give me such a strange feeling? N there goes my plan of spending more time with you during the holidays. Our work schedules are completely opposite :(((( so saddddddd. But I will find time. Yeah. I will.

I miss you. And I really mean it. I actually feel kinda different towards you out of a sudden. I feel like I am getting to know you all over again. This time round, with a little bit of romance and shyness. Idk why but it feels strange but really nice. And I love how we ended that phonecall last Wed with that shy thanking of the most touching present you made for me in an awkwardly formal tone, and saying goodnight to each other in a hate-to-part tone, like we were meeting for the first time. I really wanna do something special and sweet for you in return but I have no idea what to do at all. Oh gawd. I think I'm in love.

JIAYOU GIRL. FINISH VISUAL TONIGHT SO U CAN START ON REASONING TMR. PRESS ON!!

Wanna catch The Hunger Games so badly :(

Made this for my dear friends. Gonna fill them up with words. But I'm not sure if I should still give it to E. He didn't even bother to reply when T messaged him asking if he had any wish to include in the birthday card they made for me. Now the concern for me which he spoke of when we met just seems so scripted and fake.

From precious girlfriend Shiwan.

Who delivered these cakes to me personally from miles away, after a long day of strenuous work.

From YH, T, JS, Mik, B, Sam, Cheryl, Weiwen, and Ridwan.

Who made time for me even amidst this busy slogging period just to have a meal with me before my birthday, and wrecked their brains just to come up with a surprise plan, and especially hui who put in so much effort in making this special card.

And Mindy, Irene, YJ, Charlotte, Joel, Geetha, Amir.

Who sent me their sweet wishes too.

 

From Pee and Ah li.

Who came over at 12am after work and study just to surprise me, with a slice of choco cake, and my favourite ice-cream from udders.

From awesomest sister.

Who bothered to spend the money and effort to get me these expensive and meaningful little chocolates represented with heartfelt words.

 

The elaborate DIY product from sweetest B.

Who spent more than a month working on this 'project', purchased the stars, glued some and attached dangling threads to others onto the self painted and cut box, handmade the swing from a self painted, cut out, and drilled ice-cream stick and even sacrificed his necklace for its chains, folded a paper crane, cut my name with a pop up effect and colouring it with his bro's glittery pens, and even purchased and fixed blue LED lights behind the cut out moon.

"I made this because I know you like to sit on swings and look at the scenery like star gazing."

"Most importantly is that you like it."

And so, this kinda sums up my 23rd birthday. Happy birthday to me (: thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday. My dear parents and sis who wanted to make time for an expensive meal out with me. And especially those who bothered to whatsapp or text, fb message, phone (nana), or even come over to surprise me at 12am. And also to those whom I did not expect to remember it, like A (the exbf) who bothered to both whatsapp and text me at 11.58pm saying that he purposely waited till the last min so he could be the last to wish me on my big day, I am truly touched. What have I done to deserve such fortune?

Repost: http://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-oconnell/2012/12/you-need-to-go-after-the-things-you-want/

You Need To Go After The Things You Want

Dec. 4, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell 

 

Have you ever been emotion-shamed before? You know what I’m talking about, has someone ever made you feel bad for being honest, for putting yourself out there and articulating your feelings to them? It’s a rare thing to do these days, to really let yourself be raw and vulnerable. We live in an age of posturing. People hide behind their phones, they carefully curate their communication with other people, which makes honest moments few and far between. When one manages to slip itself in, it’s jarring. “You’re being so real with me right now,” the person on the receiving end says. “I don’t really know what to do with all of this truth. We’ve gone off-script. We’re like in the 70s or something.”

You don’t get anything you want by subscribing to the social rules of today. You remain frozen and in perpetual fear that you’ll come off as “crazy” to someone, you’re unhinged, you are officially seen as someone with no filter. God, I hate that term: no filter. What the hell does that even mean? Like, sorry, that I won’t lie and do this elaborate dance with you? Yes, I must be truly a loose cannon then!

Don’t follow these rules of modern love. They’re shit. Imagine yourself at age 90 and filled with regret. Imagine being surrounded with “what if”s and “how come”s and not being able to do anything about it because you’re too old now, you’ve been edged out of society and the only thing you have left to do now is die. That’s what will happen to you if you keep on holding the love in.

Let it out. Let the love out.

Read this quote by Harvey Milk.

Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.

Harvey Milk said this decades ago but it has never felt more relevant to how we live our lives today. When did we become so afraid to love someone with vulnerability? When did we become so fearful of spilling our guts and being who we are? It sounds corny but it’s true. A few months ago, after a long time of doing the elaborate modern dance and keeping my feelings in, I let them out at 5 a.m. to someone and it didn’t go well. I could see this person make the switch in his mind. I was the “crazy emotional” one now. I told the truth and I was going to pay for my sins.

We need to move away from this constant need of coming across as calm, cool and collected. WE WEREN’T BUILT TO BE CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED. If we were, it wouldn’t feel so fucking exhausting all the time. It would, you know, come naturally to us. You know what comes naturally to human beings though? Being open, being messy, being raw, being unfiltered, having lots of feelings. Why should we have to stifle our true nature? Let’s go after the things we want, let’s love each other brutally and honestly, and not worry about the consequences. Let’s release the feelings inside of us and let them land somewhere special. Otherwise, we might have a lifetime of longing in front of us.

Eyecandy Alvin just walked past me. Oh gawd. Can't focus now. Feels like sec school days once again, when seeing your eyecandy who's a senior in school and whom you have the fangirl kind of admiration for, and your heart just skips a beat, and every recess break, you wait at the place where you last saw him, pretending that you were just passing by but secretly hoping that he would appear again so you could attract his attention. Hahahaha. Okay. Back to reality. Study. Toodles~

Repost: http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2013/11/the-things-we-care-about-most-are-the-things-we-destroy-best/#YHei9etlVZERjZ9V.01

The Things We Care About Most Are The Things We Destroy Best

By Brianna Wiest

 

I am constantly at grips between my brain’s wanderlust and my penchant for certainty. I realize my belief that the former will lead me to the latter isn’t supported by experience or logic but that somehow still doesn’t trivialize its effect. I have always felt as though things are most comfortable when there’s the possibility that they can be different, though that mindset proved to be my Achilles’ Heel. Because I put so much importance on the idea of finding truth that alongside it arrived the fear of getting it wrong, and so began my devolution into uncertainty and indecision.

What I didn’t realize until it was too late was that it was this inability to accept that most things are impermanent and uncertain and fleeting was what led me to destroying any time I would have had with them. We tend to be most indecisive about what means the most and it would seem that our inability to act comes from a place of indifference when it’s completely the opposite. That’s how we destroy the things we care about the most. Because they innately come with the weight of the purpose we have assigned to them and so not knowing for certain, but holding on to hope no matter how disillusioned and naive it may be, will always seem like a better reality than having to accept an unfortunate truth.

It’s easy to be bold and risky when things don’t matter that much. The less you care, the more easily you can take the leap necessary to attaining something and the less it will matter if you can’t. The less I feel that the repercussions of something will affect me, the more I can embrace the uncertainty with ease. But when it does matter, we all tend to get a little more hesitant, and it’s not because we’re assholes who don’t care and won’t act. It’s because sometimes, our feelings are pretzeled up inside and we’re afraid to make a wrong step because it may lean us face first into the possibility that we could dive into the worst case scenario.

We should stop chalking people’s silence and quietness and inability to choose to disinterest. Maybe they know their love for you is a k-hole they’ll never recover from and maybe you scare the mother loving shit out of them and maybe they’re distant because the emotional risk isn’t worth the plain but satisfying plateau of the unknown but hopeful. Maybe we resist the future because we actually do care, and we’re not just whimsical kids trying to live, but burgeoning adults trying to avoid ultimate failure. Maybe the things that are the most real, but the most painfully risky, lead us into a danger that’s one we’re often not willing to chance. Because if there’s one thing we’re all certain about, it’s that taking a risk absolutely makes way for the real possibility that things could go spiraling out of our control in the worst way possible. And sometimes our hopeful ignorance is a safe kind of bliss.

The reality is all we can never know are the very fundamental realities of our experience, ones that we don’t take stock in being too revelationary. We’re breathing. We’re working, self-sustaining or not, healing or not, being, reaching, suffering and recovering. We have friends. We don’t have friends. We have love. We have remnants of love we lost. We have whatever flurry of happenstance came together to give us what we have right now. And most of the time, only tiny bits of it will ever make sense at once. And we don’t have to be sure. The only way to be certain of anything is to risk it when doing so seems like it could end the very world we spin on, and seeing what happens from there. From falling we’ll grow and from succeeding we’ll know for certain that what we were feeling wasn’t uncertainty but withheld impulse and hesitation about what was always there to begin with. Pain is part of the process and fear a part of the story. We just can’t keep writing people off because they act, or rather, don’t act, on the fear in a way we perceive as disinterest. I think we’ll end up  disconnecting ourselves from the possibilities that way, and in the end, the chance that things could be different may be all the hope we can hold for certain.

Dear diary, Alvin said that I have to calm down, relax, and be less tense when I climb. And what I was lacking in was FEARLESS. He said, "Don't worry. Even if you fall, just fall". I guess he's right. Idk why I'm so effing tensed up in life. Relax, girl. Relax. Worry less. And be happy. He's right. Why be scared of falling? If I'm gonna fall, just fall. It's not as if I'm gonna die from that fall. At most I'm gonna be hurt. And why so afraid of being hurt? We all become stronger after we recover from each injury. And if we don't dare to reach out, face our fear, and take the risk, we'll never be able to know how much we're capable of achieving and how great they are. Really admire his cheerfulness, optimism, and how passionate he is towards his dreams and interests. Good sense of humour, and full of patience and encouragement. What a great source of motivation and inspiration. Eyecandy level up. Haha.

Dear diary, I hate this. I feel extremely affected when B seems sian or lacks enthusiasm when we talk on whatsapp. Are they expectations? Why do I still hold expectations towards him? This suck. Has he been like that all along and I am the one who raised my expectations towards him? Tell me that's the case. Tell me he hasn't changed. He sucks la. He was so much nicer to talk to in the past. When I felt so connected, like he was the one who understood me most. -_- tell me. With that sucky sianness he shows, how can I not feel unmotivated to talk to him and draw us closer to how we were like before? Oh well, for all we know, he might be feeling sian in general and I could've been the one who cheers him up right, instead of being upset over how he seems to be patronizing me. K think this way and you'll feel more motivated. More positive!

For The First Time 

- The Script 

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart,
While I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar,
And we don't know how,
How we got into this mad situation,
Only doing things out of frustration,
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard,

She needs me now but I can't seem to find the time,
I've got a new job now on the unemployment line,
And we don't know how,
How we got into this mess is this a gods test?
Someone help us cause we're doing our best (best)
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard

But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying things we haven't for a while
A while ya
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

Oooooo
[Repeat]

She's in line at the dole
With her head held high (high)
While I just lost my job
But didn't lose my pride
And we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,
Trying to make it work but,
Man these times are hard,

But we're gonna start by,
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Doing things we haven't for a while,
A while ya,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.

Oooooo
[Repeat]

Yeah...
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying things we haven't for a while,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time

(Ooooo...), yeahh for the first time,
(Ooooo...), oh for the first time,
(Ooooo...), Yeah for the first time,
(Just now got the feeling that we're meeting... [Yeeeeaaahhh]
For the first time)

Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

Dear diary, I'm down with flu ): sian.

Anyway, Ridwan, Mikail, T, YH, JS, Cheryl, and I hung out at West Coast Park on Monday. Had a whale of a time. We first met at Clementi to have dinner, then explored a beautiful 40-storey high hdb flat for that amazing almost-rooftop view of Clementi while Mik, Cheryl and I were slurping on the heavenly liu sha bao bun from Baker Talent. And since it was raining, we sought shelter at Mikail's dad's apartment. That place was.. one word.. awesome. There is a alfresco rooftop and we were just awed. Haha, and after all the bimbotic OMGing, we settled down, listened to Ridwan serenade us while YH, Cheryl, and I sang and the guys engrossed in their new phone game. Had some wine to go along as we sang. So relaxing. I wished I had such an apartment too. Wouldn't it to be lovely to just chill at the sofa, enjoy some wine and music alone when I'm an emo kid? And that was exactly what Mikail said he loves to do. Well, God is fair. He gets to enjoy such an amazing place, but behind such luxury, lies a heart wrenching family story :( as much as I wanna enjoy all that, I would rather own what I have right now, than to give up my happy family for the luxury. And a while later, after our butts were almost sore from the chilling, we headed to West Coast Park. It.was.one.of.the.most.fun.times.in.my.uni.life. The fun zone, was literally, omg fun. All the spinning, flying, and running. Haha, the spiderweb, in particular, simply reminded me of how B brought me to attack the playground at amk park for the first time. I will never forget how I was supposed to make his day, yet how my day was made by him, as we played with the swing (not forgetting how I felt like puking but got scolded by him as I insisted to finish the bubble tea that he treated me to), climbed the mini spiderweb, had a walk around the spooky dark paths, and bitched about a couple who was behaving all hanky panky around us.. we had so much laughter. And the sweetest thing that I remember from that incident was that he carried my bag for me as we both climbed the spiderweb, just because he thought it wasn't safe to just leave it on the sand while we both were on the web. And as we both reached the peak, we took a picture. As all of us were screaming our lungs out from the fun and excitement at West Coast Park, I wished he was there with us. Brought back so much memories. But unfortunately, he had a dinner with his bro, which was why he couldn't be there with us. (He called me that day though, and we had a nice 1h chat even though I was supposed to study in school :) baby steps.) Well well, it just reminds me again of how things have changed. Now, my pillars of support are this bunch of psy people who never fail to bring fun to my mundane uni life. Hmm, though not as emotionally as B used to be to me, these bunch just bring so much relief indirectly to my stress towards school. Gonna miss them so much when we graduate.

Repost: http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/11/14/10-relationship-tips-everyone-forgets/ 

10 Relationship Tips Everyone Forgets

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”
―Elizabeth Gilbert

Several years ago, on their 50th anniversary, my 87-year-old grandfather looked at my 84-year-old grandmother and said, “This right here, our relationship, this is my greatest accomplishment.”

My grandfather’s words have always remained with me.  They were beautifully romantic, but more importantly, they were delightfully true.  Healthy relationships are accomplishments.  They take commitment and work, and two people who are willing to meet in the middle and put in the necessary effort.
If you’re in a relationship, intimate or platonic, that could use a little help, the tips below will come in handy…

1.  Let go of old wounds through forgiveness.

Every moment of your life you are either growing or dying – and when you are physically healthy, it’s a choice, not fate.  The art of maintaining happiness in your life and relationships relies on the fine balancing act of holding on and letting go.  Yes, sometimes people you trust (including yourself) will hurt you.  Being hurt is something you can’t avoid, but being continuously miserable is always a choice.  Forgiveness is the remedy.  You have to let go of what’s behind you before you can grasp the goodness in front of you.

2.  Come clean when you make a mistake.

An honest heart is the beginning of everything that is right with this world.  The most honorable people of all are not those who never make mistakes, but those who admit to them when they do, and then go on and do their best to right the wrongs they’ve made.  In the end, being honest might not always win you a lot of friends and lovers, but it will always keep the right ones in your life.  (Angel and I discuss this process in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

3.  Stop gossiping and start communicating.

A good rule of thumb:  If you can’t say it to their face, you shouldn’t say it behind their back.  As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people.”  Life is much too short to waste talking about people, gossiping, and stirring up trouble that has no substance.  If you don’t know, ask. If you don’t agree, say so.  If you don’t like it, speak up.  But never judge people behind their back.

4.  Give others the space to make their own decisions.

Stop judging others by your own past.  Never act, judge, or treat people like you know them better than they know themselves.  They are living a different life than you are.  What might be good for one person may not be good for another.  What might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the better.  Allow the people in your life to make their own mistakes and their own decisions.

5.  Do things that make YOU happy.

If you want to awaken happiness in a relationship, start by living a life that makes you happy and then radiate your happiness into your relationship.  If you want to eliminate suffering in a relationship, start by eliminating the dark and negative parts of yourself, and then radiate your positivity into your relationship.  Truly, the greatest power you have in this world is the power of your own self-transformation.  All the positive change you seek in any relationship starts with the one in the mirror.

6.  Show your loved ones your kindness in small ways every day.

Aesop once said, “No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  Always be kinder than necessary.  You never know what someone is going through.  Sometimes you have to be kind to someone, not because they’re being nice, but because you are.  Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

7.  Say less when less means more.

It takes some courage to stand up and speak; it takes even more courage to open your mind and listen.  Pay attention and be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble.  The people in your life often need a listening ear more than they need a rambling voice.  And don’t listen with the intent to reply; hear what is being said with the intent to understand.  You are as beautiful as the love you give, and you are as wise as the silence you leave behind.

8.  Let your love and trust overpower your fear.

You never lose by loving; you lose by holding back.  No relationship is impossible until you refuse to give it a chance.  Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to.  Without this trust, a relationship cannot survive.  You cannot just believe what you fear from others; you have to believe in the good faith of others.  If you are ever going to have someone trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too.

9.  Accept, don’t expect.

Unconditional acceptance is something we want, but rarely ever give out.  Remember, people never do anything that is out of character.  They may do things that go against your expectations, but what people do reveals exactly who they are.  Never force your expectations on people, other than the expectation that they will be exactly who they are.  Who they are is not what they say or what you have come to expect, it is who they reveal themselves to be.  Either you accept them as they are, or you move on without them. 

10.  Let the wrong ones go.

Know your worth!  When you give your time to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of your heart you will never get back.  All failed relationships hurt, but losing someone who doesn’t appreciate and respect you is actually a gain, not a loss.  Some people come into your life temporarily simply to teach you something.  They come and they go and they make a difference.  It’s perfectly okay that they’re not in your life anymore.  You now have more time to focus on the relationships that truly matter.

Afterthoughts

Remember, even the healthiest relationships have small flaws.  Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship spells trouble.  Accept the fact that there will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good.  Instead of constantly looking for signs of what’s not working in your relationship, what you need to do is look for signs of what is, and then use this as a solid foundation to build upon.

Okay okay. I gotta admit it. I think the main reason for my emptiness lately is because the knot in my heart is still tightly tied. I have something left unfinished and undone, which is bothering me. And yup, that is, the thing with B. Ahh if anyone was gonna read my blog, but I don't think anyone remembers this old link, I think they would just get so sick and frustrated that they would probably just roll their eyes at the sight of the letter B, and then immediately regret typing in my url in the first place. But ahh oh wells, this space is meant for me, myself, and I only. So, who cares. Haha. Still can't believe that M, haha yeah yeah you, the only guy whom I have ever confessed my feelings to (I still find it a wonder how I did it given my prideful or shy nature), once told me he would pay to read my diary. Well, too bad he doesn't know of this, haha. K la but of cos I didn't let him pay nor read my diary. He would probably freak out reading those stuff about him I was mesmerized by. Hahaha.

ANYWAY.. I really need to get this straight. B is important to me. And the reason why, which I have been pondering upon but in fact unnecessary afterall, is that, it all sums up to the happy and sad moments we have been through together, and how he is still the one who is able to make me smile. Sighpie. I really gotta be serious in this getting him back thing. Idk if me appearing to be close to others is in fact driving him further away from me, but I don't care anymore. And I don't wanna care who he is close to now anymore. I am gonna try and try and try. I don't wanna lose this special friendship, or rather, I really hope I can do something to bring us back to how close we used to be. Even though I have been hanging out with the rest like one on one frequently lately, nobody else beats B. Yup. That's right. No one. And that's how I got hit hard I guess, that he really no doubt is still that special one to me. Despite how jie, YH, and T have been repeating endlessly about how important effort is when one wants to keep someone close, and that B is someone worth me keeping, I have turned a deaf ear towards their advice. And I shouldn't have even thought of being okay with letting him be a come and go person in my life.

Now that I might already not be as important to him as before, I'll have to put in my 200% if I want this. I'm just a lucky girl who has people like wan, justina, and p and lq who puts in more effort than I do in keeping them and I close. But I won't be that lucky girl everytime. Don't wanna overestimate my place in your heart, but still, I still believe that I was someone once special to you. Otherwise, back then you wouldn't have told me that I was a friend too precious to lose, and to T and the guys that you think I will be the only one who will stay in your life, and you wouldn't have sounded happy when you told me how joe told you that you were lucky you had me. You wouldn't have told my sister that I was the first girl you could talk to, nor would you have put down your pride after having that nightmare by confessing it to me, then spending hours typing that long message to me saying how sorry you were to have avoided me, hoping that you could salvage our friendship and that we would call each other up again to share our "life events" with each other. You wouldn't have came up to me, given your non confrontational nature, to tell that you were disappointed when you were the last to know, and furthermore through your brother, that I took part in cheerleading. I'm sorry. With knowing that you don't allow just anyone to enter your personal life and showing them your vulnerable side easily, and that friends are almost the top most precious thing in your life, I still didn't do my part in keeping you close to me, or more importantly, myself close to you. Despite me promising you a year ago that I wouldn't let you slip away from me anymore because you're different, I did it again. My empty promises have led me to the outcome today. I know I am really a difficult friend to keep. I know yeah, you might think it's pointless to keep me close now. Yes, you might not need me in your life anymore, but I do. I need you. And more importantly, I want to be the one, capable of bringing you pride and happiness once again.

Actions speak louder than words. 200%.

Learning the song, "together", over the keyboard all over again. Feeling musically inspired once again haha. Anyway, saw YH's photos with JS on insta. They look happy. Seriously hope they remain this way. That determined girl who shed litres of tears over this. Haha. Dk to admire her determinance or to sigh at her stubbornness. Missing you still, B. Maybe I'll just ask him out tmr for dinner. Feel so much like seeing his face and hearing his voice. I hope he's free. Ahh. Miss chit chatting endlessly with him. Somebody slap me please. Need to stop saying and start doing. Seriously. Like my lateness :/ you gotta change, girl. Change! Tsk. Anyway I'm kinda dreading having to wake up so early tomorrow to Wild Wild Wet with daddy and mummy. Hope it'll be fun fun fun. Anyway. It's no joke trying to be comfy with myself and being alone. Struggling. Ugh. Still learning. Yup. Still learning. Really a tough skill. But. I'll make it. Yeah baby. And I'll need to start revision soon. No more chill pill girl. Gotta work hard to maintain your results. JIAYOU!

Dear diary, I haven't been blogging for a couple of days. I'm feeling alright, just.. a little empty. And I'm so glad I have this space. Lets me vent and release my bottled up emotions. Anyway, I picked up the basics of guitar playing from ridwan today! It's so cool just by imagining myself strum the guitar accompanied by my own singing. Haha. Used to be so mesmerized by E's guitar playing and singing. Hey now I can do it on my own okay. Haha just kidding. Why would I wanna compete? Being able to strum and sing on my own is cool, but I'd still love to hear others play the guitar and sing for me! Haha cannot forget how mesmerized I was just by looking at shengyu play the guitar or piano back in sec sch, accompanied by his singing. Haha that gentle side of him is like.. omg *melt*

Anyway, I had a scary dream yesterday night. It was like I losing 4 children and idk, it was just strange how T and the rest appeared at my place with flowers to console me. And B ignored me. Is it a sign? A sign that I'm losing him. Idk. I miss him. I still do. It was his bro's bday and i wished him happy bd. And his bro replied to meet up soon tgt with B. Sigh. But I just don't find the drive to wanna ask him out :( nothing is stopping me but idk, I'm like just so meh about it.

Haiyaya. Wished I could experience more intense emotions like YH at times.

Well, I'm feeling okay once again. I guess the expectations are only a surge of feelings. Like I see him physically as the familiar him I used to be close with, and so will be associated easily with the emotional side of him. So though he is still physically like before, when he doesn't behave emotionally the same, especially when others beat him to it, I get upset. But, remember girl, you shouldn't be making comparisons with now and then right? Because the fact afterall is that, you are closer to T now as compared to B. Remember you were gonna make friends with B from afresh? Yup. Get rid of those expectations.

Dear diary, I'm tearing like mad now. I cannot get over the expectations towards B afterall. I was touched that T actually accompanied me home just cos he was worried that something might happen to me omw home at 4 plus am. So damn touched. But B didn't bother. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. But apparently it was. Expectations again. Cos he used to be my carebear. But he seems like ignorant or nonchalant now. Get over the expectations, girl. Anyway I told him that the reason why E met me up was cos of him. He didn't really ask much into details but neither did I tell him much details specifically too. I just hope that E doesn't go tell him things and then perhaps draw us apart even further as a result. Yeah. Oh wells. Remove expectations, yeah? Goodnight world.

Hello dear diary,

Though it's like 2 days late, but! Hey, I've really gotta blog about this. Yup! The dinner with E. It really meant a lot to me. I don't know to be happy or upset that the reason he approached me was because of B. Well, I was quite taken aback at first when he told me that the main reason, on the surface, is because of B, but deeper reasons, he wasn't comfortable to share. Well, I guess he has his own reasons so I don't wanna push him for it. But anyway, B is like the last thing on my mind that I would think is a reason for him to approach me. In fact, I thought it was something to do with the closure between us back then. But oh wells, it doesn't matter anymore I guess. When he said that he heard stuff about B and I, he knows I'm affected, and he wasn't sure how much support I have, so he just wanted to make sure that I was ok, my heart was like.omg.too.sweet. I was simply.. touched? Dammit. My heart's easy to melt huh? But who would wanna risk jeopardizing his current relationship by initiating to meet up with someone whom he once had feelings for, just to be there for her? I am truly appreciative. Like from the bottom of my heart. So I really hope that he and Regina would be happy always because he is a nice guy and I believe she is the one who can make him feel like the happiest boy on Earth. But oh wells, as I tried to understand more about his love life, idk, maybe he thought I was being a kaypoh, so he seemed reluctant to disclose much. And he was saying that he's very stressed up with school. Indeed, a year ago when we ended, he was so stressed up with school too. And I really wanted to make things better for him back then, but I guess I just wasn't the one. Maybe I was being selfish too. I wanted more than he could give. I hope that Regina is making him feel loved and all right now, which will reduce his stress towards school, and have some comfort where he can turn to when he needs support. Haha. Anyway, for a moment, I was brought back to the past. Like when he was singing "Hey jude". That familiar voice which I used to think was the most mesmerizing I've ever come across in my life. It made me just have that urge to ask for more, which I knew wasn't appropriate and so did not.  I can still remember once when we phoned, he played the guitar over the phone and sang just because I wanted to hear it. And I remember he asking me once at his place what song I would like him to learn over the piano so that he could sing it for me. And I said, "Way back into love". Well, I was very much infatuated then that's why haha. And I was learning "Together" by Neyo on my keyboard too, waiting to surprise him when I finished the entire song. Oh wells, neither of them happened, but nonetheless, sweet memories. And when we were chasing each other around in the supermarket.. Was like how we used to tickle each other and run around in school. That cheeky little boy in him. Haha. And there was this instance when we were standing a little close and I sensed that scent from him that I used to like. I remember he saying that he doesn't use perfume. So I guess it's just him. It's like.. a clean and fresh baby smell? Haha. Felt just a tad close again. But I still can differentiate between the past and the past within the present. I guess it's just like reading a certain chapter of an old book once again, but with knowing that the ending is already fixed as it is. We're not meant to be, and never will be. It's just.. a moment of reminiscence, and it'll remain as a part of my life, a piece of beautiful memory.

And as for B. I've really come to terms of what I want, at least for now. Even if I once felt like he was everything I needed and wanted, that was in the past, given our connection :) Right now, all the things that made me fall in love are no longer around. But still, I wanna keep him close to me :) and that's all I wanna do now. Without expectations, I'm really becoming better at restoring our closeness in the friendship. Yup. And meanwhile, he's taught me the importance of seizing the right moment, and to love at all cost when the right feeling is at your doorstep, for there is no guarantee that something once capable of being beautiful will ever return again.

Hello dear diary,

Though it's like 2 days late, but! Hey, I've really gotta blog about this. Yup! The dinner with E. It really meant a lot to me. I don't know to be happy or upset that the reason he approached me was because of B. Well, I was quite taken aback at first when he told me that the main reason, on the surface, is because of B, but deeper reasons, he wasn't comfortable to share. Well, I guess he has his own reasons so I don't wanna push him for it. But anyway, B is like the last thing on my mind that I would think is a reason for him to approach me. In fact, I thought it was something to do with the closure between us back then. But oh wells, it doesn't matter anymore I guess. When he said that he heard stuff about B and I, he knows I'm affected, and he wasn't sure how much support I have, so he just wanted to make sure that I was ok, my heart was like.omg.too.sweet. I was simply.. touched? Dammit. My heart's easy to melt huh? But who would wanna risk jeopardizing his current relationship by initiating to meet up with someone whom he once had feelings for, just to be there for her? I am truly appreciative. Like from the bottom of my heart. So I really hope that he and Regina would be happy always because he is a nice guy and I believe she is the one who can make him feel like the happiest boy on Earth. But oh wells, as I tried to understand more about his love life, idk, maybe he thought I was being a kaypoh, so he seemed reluctant to disclose much. And he was saying that he's very stressed up with school. Indeed, a year ago when we ended, he was so stressed up with school too. And I really wanted to make things better for him back then, but I guess I just wasn't the one. Maybe I was being selfish too. I wanted more than he could give. I hope that Regina is making him feel loved and all right now, which will reduce his stress towards school, and have some comfort where he can turn to when he needs support. Haha. Anyway, for a moment, I was brought back to the past. Like when he was singing "Hey jude". That familiar voice which I used to think was the most mesmerizing I've ever come across in my life. It made me just have that urge to ask for more, which I knew wasn't appropriate and so did not.  I can still remember once when we phoned, he played the guitar over the phone and sang just because I wanted to hear it. And I remember he asking me once at his place what song I would like him to learn over the piano so that he could sing it for me. And I said, "Way back into love". Well, I was very much infatuated then that's why haha. And I was learning "Together" by Neyo on my keyboard too, waiting to surprise him when I finished the entire song. Oh wells, neither of them happened, but nonetheless, sweet memories. And when we were chasing each other around in the supermarket.. Was like how we used to tickle each other and run around in school. That cheeky little boy in him. Haha. And there was this instance when we were standing a little close and I sensed that scent from him that I used to like. I remember he saying that he doesn't use perfume. So I guess it's just him. It's like.. a clean and fresh baby smell? Haha. Felt just a tad close again. But I still can differentiate between the past and the past within the present. I guess it's just like reading a certain chapter of an old book once again, but with knowing that the ending is already fixed as it is. We're not meant to be, and never will be. It's just.. a moment of reminiscence, and it'll remain as a part of my life, a piece of beautiful memory.

And as for B. I've really come to terms of what I want, at least for now. He is not what I want as my partner in life. Even if I once felt like he was everything I needed and wanted, that was in the past. Right now, all the things that made me fall in love are no longer around. But still, I wanna keep him close to me :) and that's all I wanna do now. Without expectations, I'm really becoming better at restoring our closeness in the friendship. Yup. And meanwhile, he's taught me the importance of seizing the right moment, and to love at all cost when the right feeling is at your doorstep, for there is no guarantee that something once capable of being beautiful will ever return again.

Attain peace within yourself first, girl.

LET GO.

So I guess I have once fallen in love with B before. He was definitely once more than just a friend to me. But right now, and I guess I've been in denial for a very long time, confused if I like him, miss him, or only see him as a close friend, it's only left with feelings of missing what we once had, the sparks, and even the friendship. Don't hope to go back anymore. It's cos there is a higher chance of reigniting or creating more sparks between us that made me desire to return to that closeness so much I guess. Probably cos I want to react differently this time round given that potential closeness in the past. I wanna let myself fall freely in love with him rather than choosing to hide away. But I screwed it up and all the potential was lost. So right now that almost nothing is left, I gotta know that if the sparks are meant to return, they will. If the friendship is meant to last, it will. Both of us are so unmotivated, sick and tired of the entire relation between us. Give it some patience. Give both of us some space. Understand and accept it that he may not feel like talking or opening up to you now, or that he may even find more comfort in confiding in or stronger desire to spend time with others now. Let him be. Then build a new bond, like you never knew him before. And you know he will be receptive again.

Dear diary, something miraculous happened today. E, not only initiated to talk to me, he also asked me out this coming Thursday. He said he was wondering if I wanted to have dinner, talk cock sing song, and he wanted to ask me some questions. Obviously I knew it was about our improper closure. Can you imagine how exhilarated I was? I almost wanted to slap or pinch myself so that I know this is not a dream. A year and 3 months. Yup. It's been more than a year. He finally isn't avoidant anymore. My happiness is simply inexplicable. And another reason for my happiness is that, I wanted to initiate to talk to him before my supposed last semester in Jan, but he beat me to it. At that moment, it simply felt like I was in a dream. I asked myself, is this happening to me? Was I imagining things? But inevitably, as we spoke and as our gaze met, I felt like I returned to the times I knew him. I know that's not romantic feelings. I know it. It's just that I felt that nice warm feeling of familiarity. And I was just brought back to the sweet times when B was always there around me, and when he, Am, E, and I were best of friends who stuck with one another everywhere we went. And just like before, B was just the first I wanted to phone and to let him know. Though there was hesitance, I scrolled to his name in my call log and pressed the call button. But diary, the feeling isn't the same anymore. It was the first time we had awkward silence. I guess he felt it too. We just.. couldn't carry on with our conversation. I felt distant. Yup. And it's a feeling of total sadness. Sigh. And we hung up in a while, ending with a formal topic of having dinner. No words could describe how helpless and agonized I felt. Trying too hard? And I had to confide in someone. T. I spoke to him and he said, "Anyway, you shouldn't try to base your current relation with ivan on past experience. Your raised expectations would just make you feel that the present isn't as good as it might be." And it kinda knocked some sense into me. He's right. I should let go of what we had in the past. Because afterall, things between us have changed. If I keep making comparisons, expecting or hoping to return to how things were like in the past, I would only disappoint myself because I can't let go and accept the change as it is . I'm holding on to something that has already become different right now. And it's time to let go. Let go of all the old memories. And construct new ones. Accept that he has his own circle of close friends right now, and that I'm not the only one that he can have. Accept the fact that we have distanced apart and that new connection has to be made. You have no right to expect him to be that attentive, sensitive, and caring special person to you anymore. You cannot expect yourself to be his only source of confidant anymore. He has his freedom to choose who he wants to be with, talk to, and share things with or even spend time with. He has this right. And if you wanna reestablish that special connection again, you have to accept, and take things as they are as you go along. Don't place too much hope. Just try. If they can work out, that's the best. If they don't, smile and be happy that you once experienced that something and someone who made you smile that brightly, someone who made such an impact in your life as you have made in his, at least for a short period. There is no guarantee what lies ahead of us. But just treat him with utmost sincerity. And what is meant to be will happen. If our chemistry is meant to last, it will return given any circumstance. Stop making comparisons anymore. Let go. And embrace a new beginning without expectations. Rebuild that trust, restore that bond. If it's meant to be, it will be.

Dear diary, I really really miss him right now. As I am writing my essay, it reminds me of how he used to seek my help when he was writing his ESL essays. Those days, he would share everything that was happening to him with me. While we mugged for our own assignments, we would know that the other is mugging hard, checking on the progress of each other every now and then. We would send pictures of our dinner to each other. We would whatsapp each other what we were doing. I miss that closeness. I miss that effortless connection. I miss that similarity. I miss the crazy silly things we would do and laugh at together. Oh gawd. Why did I let these go? Although I have many other friends whom I am in contact with more frequently now like T and YH, my heart still feels empty. Because ultimately, he is still the one who could fill up that gap, effortlessly. OMG. I feel like my tears can just pour anytime. Why am I such a sentimental bitch. But anyway, crying over split milk is useless. Yup. That's exactly what my blogname is about afterall right? Lick the milk up. Do something about it. Bring back that closeness. Jiayou. I can't wait to HTHT with him soon. Believe it or not, you're the first guy ever in my life who has made me put in so much effort for. So I guess, I really really really want this.

Dear diary, I feel devastated. :(

I hope he doesn't slip away from me before I can do anything.
I wished I could lie beside him right now and chat with him like time never goes by.

I swear I would never show you indifference again.
How much do I mean to you?
Please give me a chance to enter your life again, will you?
Can't stop thinking about this.

OKAY. TIME TO DO MORE IMPORTANT STUFF RIGHT NOW. YOU CANNOT FAIL VISUAL OKAY. AND YOU MUST SUSTAIN YOUR A- FOR REASONING. GO GIRL.

Daddy is so sweet. He bought a wireless modem just because I requested for one so that I can save on my mobile data at home. I'm a very lucky girl.

Actually, I shouldn't be letting him affect me so much. It is a big deal, but the more affected I am, the more I am gonna make blunders. Yup. He has his life. He will talk to you when he feels like it. Don't be a pushy, needy and whiny kid. Let things flow. Meanwhile, there are other important things to deal with too.

别去强求。

Jiayou for reasoning essay and visual project!

人，长得美，并不是一切。

Yup. What matters most is the heart to heart connection between two people which determines how close they get.

Dear diary,

Something happened on Friday which made me realize how I've been taking the friendship of B and I for granted. Just when I thought I know him, in fact, I don't. I don't, at all. That crazily wild side of him stunned me. I was taken aback for a while and at that moment, because I was scared. Really? Is he really that wild and promiscuous? But he once told me that I was more flirtatious than him though. But anyway, knowing that side of him, I am afraid and upset. Afraid that he is a heartbreaker asshole jerk who is flirtatious and disgusting and I would feel vulnerable. Upset that I didn't know these sides of him when I thought I was already close to him. In addition, as the bunch of us hung out that day at holland v, he mentioned something like he and some others are close now, and also, O brought him to a place at mandarin gallery where there are the cheapest macarons. I don't know if that was jealousy or being upset. I used to feel like the only one close and special to him, who will hang out one to one with him. I don't know how close others are to B now, but I feel uncomfortable. I'm afraid. I'm so damn afraid that my place in his heart will be replaced. But I think I totally sabotaged myself. Because I have been nasty to B. Indifferent. And treating him like second option. And it's because of the teasings. I avoid him because of the teasings. How would he wanna hang out with me? Sigh. So yup. It's both incidents. 1) Stories of his wildness; 2) The fact that B thinks he and some others are close now. And he seems sian and unmotivated when talking to me. I'm upset, and scared. I think it's time I act.

Jie told me that if I want someone to open up to me, I have to establish the trust and connection. The basic needs of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which are, security, and interpersonal relationships. Indeed, how dumb was I to think by being hot and cold, B would then cherish our friendship more. How stupid was I. I kinda overestimated myself to think that my importance to him would not fade. How would our closeness not deteriorate? In fact, if I wanted to be close, I should have done the opposite. Always be around and let him enjoy my company so that he will feel connected and be willing to open himself up to me again. Do things that will make him happy. Do things that will make him boost his confidence whenever he is with me. Why do I always have to shoot him down? Why do I always have to pick on his flaws and highlight them to him? But I told jie that I am afraid that while being close to him, making his heart melt and show his most genuine side to me, I would fall for him. And she said, then let it flow. And indeed. Why am I stopping myself? Why do I have to stop myself? Why am I doing so much to stop myself? What is so bad about him that I don't want to be associated with? In fact it's the opposite. He has so many sweet sides of him which he once only showed to me but I pushed these away. So right now, I am regretting all my stupid actions. But it's never too late right? I want to act now. Yes, I want to. I want to keep him close to me. Actions speak louder than words. If I want that trust and connection back, I must act more. Show and let him know that he is important and special to me. Let him know that he can make me happy and take care of me. Let him know how much he means to me. Do it. Before he slips away, for real this time. And jie told me that everything involves pain and risks. Before we can attain safety and love and belongingness, we need to experience pain. So, I guess I gotta give it all out if I want to attain my goal of being back to close friends with B, or even more. Keep trying. I am sure if I manage to gain his trust and establish that connection between just the two of us again, that closeness will be back, and probably even more satisfying this time round. I want to be happy. So stop finding and creating my own misery. I don't want to remain stagnant or even deteriorate in the relation with him.

Go get what makes you happy.
Tell him if he makes you laugh.
Tell him how glad you are to have him.
Tell him how special he is to you.
Tell him that you never wanna lose him.
Tell him he is great and make him feel great.
Encourage him in what he wants and is good at.
Find him when you feel vulnerable;
Let him know that he can protect you and make you feel better.
Let him know that you need him.
Hug him when you feel like he deserves it.
Show him affection because no matter how tough he may look, he needs and longs for affection.
Shower him with all the love that you used to fill him with.
Make him feel appreciated and important.
Make him feel doted.
Make him feel like the happiest boy on Earth.
Be certain and assertive. 
Be patient and not overly forceful.
Take baby steps.
Stop dwelling in the past.
Create new and happier memories. 
Get his interest and motivation back.

KEEP TRYING.