And they meant so much to me.

What happened?

Dear diary,

Out of a sudden, I feel that I've become so hardhearted. It seems like after I experienced that breakthrough moment of detachment from missing and needing B's presence in my life, I have grown to be unfeeling towards my relation with everyone around me. As I was typing a birthday message to A, the 1st ex bf, today, I actually spent close to twenty minutes, in an attempt to draft the most ideal message, which is the most sincere and personal, to him. I gave up in the end, accepting that the message (still a very general one) was the best shot that I could afford. Omg can you believe it? I actually had to wreck my brain just for a birthday message. And as I thought about how to sound more sincere and personal, I could not feel anything to do with him even though we hold memories of so much beautiful and upsetting times together. I just could not. Not like he'll care any bit, since we are history, like old old old history. But I just thought that something seems wrong with me -___- I can't feel. Even if I do, I'll be like.. oh okay I'm all well again the next instant. But nevertheless, I somehow could finally feel what sis told me about being comfortable alone. I did not feel the need to have romance or the company of friends out of a sudden and it's just strange because I used to be such a needy and dependent person on the company of friends (like having someone to hang out with or just chat with to kill my boredom. I just needed a friend's presence) or romance (even the least like having someone to flirt with). I used to feel empty because I was left with much alone time. My whatsapp barely had time to be quiet. But now, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I feel lazy to socialize and do not find the urge to want to, and I am perfectly fine with having no one ring my whatsapp for the whole day. I wonder if that's good or bad.

I have plans to surprise B before he flies off to Korea for summer semester, since I can't be around to celebrate his birthday on the actual day. I wonder what will the consequences be. I wonder what he would feel and think of all these. I actually thought so much, to the point of questioning myself the reasons behind doing all these for him. In fact, after the act of wanting to draft the most ideal message to A, it seems like I'm trying very hard to let others leave the best impression of me, isn't it? Or rather, I'm trying to prove to myself that I can make a difference in something that I think I can be in control of. Dreamy idealist, as what T would call it. Perhaps T is right. I just want everything to be ideal and the best of what they can be, and as long as something is within my control, or at least I would think they are, I would want to do something to achieve that idealistic outcome eventually. Oh wells, stop thinking. Back to essay writing. Jiayou! Complete it and you can start with your revision!

Hi. Just saw his photos tagged on fb, of his involvement in that busy mod. He seems happy. And all that appreciation stuff that their teacher enforced in the class is really heartwarming, as seen from the photographs of involvement of the students including him. But and again, it's not that I want to be needy, it's just that it really seems highly doubtful to others if they are really doing those acts of appreciation (by presenting their mortals with random gifts on a personal level as a role of their angels) from the bottom of their hearts or is it just for the sake of pleasing others in this mod? Cos if they've learnt from this practice to appreciate others by showing little acts of giving and love, why is he not applying it to others out of his mod who are important to him to begin with?

I understand that he is preoccupied with commitment in that mod and he might not have thought of wanting to spend time with others out of his mod, neglecting them unknowingly. I still feel sour about that though cos if he really values me, it would show through his efforts of at least a text of a random thought of me or at least of gratitude to the cornflakes I made for everyone which included him too right. How hard is it to drop one a text albeit the busyness if one really wanted to? But well, at least I can convince myself to let this go because he has greater priorities. What I don't understand is his coldness towards me whom he used to hold dear to.

I guess he hasn't realize that he's beginning to lose the moon while counting the stars. I'll try for one last time to reach out to him after exams. But if he appears to be hostile or cold again for idk what reason, or continue to seem oblivious that he has neglected others while enjoying time with his current new friends even after his busy mod ends, I am walking away. And if that happens, all I can say is that, maybe we are not meant for each other. If we are, we will come together again at a later point in time. But I would not hold any hopes of being with him romantically anymore. Because I believe that as long as two people are meant for each other, they will start off by wanting to, and the universe will conspire in helping them find each other again no matter how long and how much obstacles they are parted with. I think after all these, I have finally come to that stage of ultimate detachment, where a negative and torturous kind of missing someone has become that which is positive and look-back-and-smile. I guess that is how I know I am ready to move on completely.

But something that I will take away from this though, is to live in the moment. Cos I've always wondered if things would have taken on a different path if I appeared to be more receptive and taken more initiative towards him, because maybe we both wanted to at the same point in time but didn't react (who knows if things might have been different if I'd taken a bolder step ahead), which caused our path to diverge completely when the change of desire in either of us happens, preventing the universe from continuing to help us get together. Oh wells, don't regret anything though, but learn from your mistakes, girl. You never know how your future is like with him, particularly whether both your lives will intertwine with that specialness again. But even if you don't, you have to look forward, and make your experience with the next awesome guy you come across, one who makes both your hearts flutter, a better one.

Dear diary,

As I'm sitting at this really quiet and peaceful place by a fountain that's opp the istana, I'm reflecting on the attitude that B has been showing. It's really pretty here at night by the way.

Okay anyway, to speak the truth, when I replied his random whatsapp of asking me if there was good food around my area, and towards the back saying I miss him because it's been so long I haven't seen him and that if only I didn't have work on that day I could've met him since he was playing badminton nearby, the response that he gave was a total heart stabber. "Oh! Too bad then! I'll see you another time". Is that how someone who was once like your brother and a good friend will treat you? They always say that nothing else but kinship lasts. Now I (Oh my gawd. A North Indian guy just came up to and tried to hit on me wth. He asked if I'm from spore and if he could sit down beside me. Told him I was leaving and then he self introduced. 'Hi I am James, you are?' Wth. And I said again that I am leaving and then he apologized. 'Sorry about that. Sorry'. Luckily he didn't dare do anything to me. Wth I was sitting just by the main road and there were 2 other young guys smoking a distance away. Wth did this man think he was trying to do?! Madness).

Okay anyway. Because B is not my real brother afterall, that's why he was willing to give up our ties? And I've always thought that he's different from other guys. One of a kind. Because of his unconditional love that he's shown towards me, unlike most other guys who disappear from my life when smth to do w romantic rs screws up, regardless of whether or not they were my friends to begin with. Before all these coldness during xmas, I wrote a card to B, alongside with the love charm of which he really or at least appeared to have treasured, that he was the first guy who didn't have any motive on me (cos he has never attempted to take advantage of me or turn anything between us into something sexual even though we were really close). I thought he was a friend who could stay in my life (even if things were to turn romantic and screw up along the way). I thought he wasn't a come and go friend. I thought our relationship (and I say relationship because it is somewhere more than just a friendship but not to the stage of a romantic relationship) would be stronger than this. He even once told T and the guys that he thought that I would be the only one who will stay in his life. That was why I saw more confidence in us. But all that are happening now seem to mean that I've thought wrong. Or is it that people just change? Now, it seems like all that was in the past was only because he needed people by his side.

In short, I was the comfort that he needed and that perhaps nobody else could provide him with, and he didn't want to risk losing that sense of comfort that came hard and so, made up his mind to be cautious about not going into anything romantic or sexual with me just in case anything screws up (which is more likely to happen than in a platonic friendship). And all those ups and downs with him were our struggles I suppose. While doing all sorts of special things for me, perhaps he was also confused if he merely wanted to keep me as an important friend who could provide that source of comfort that he needed to him, or not to be shameless but really, if he had already fallen for me. But now that he has found himself a new group of friends that he's comfortable with, I guess that is why he's enjoying himself too much that he doesn't even mind losing that initial source of comfort in me anymore. Because by drifting apart and detaching from me (and very timely by using "busy" as an excuse since he really is caught up with that mod which requires so much time and effort investment), he could be spared from that struggle because he now has found a new source of comfort which he doesn't have to invest so much emotions in with knowing that they can more safely just be friends (cos from the intimacy, any dumbass could tell our friendship was really more than just friends, but theirs, consisting of three people, does give off the bro vibe instead).

Oh wells, I should stop blaming myself, thinking that it's cos of me hiding things from him at the start of this semester, which caused his hurt and broken of trust in me. Because if he'd really valued me as a person, why would such I shouldn't say trivial but more of just a one-off incident just break apart whatever that we shared and held close and precious? I believe that it shouldn't and wouldn't have been so fragile if I really meant something to him even up till now. But his attitude of seeming like he didn't want to talk to me even after I told him that I miss him just says it all. He might think that I sounded insincere because if I'd missed him, I would've long ago contacted him, and not only tell him that I miss him when he texted me to ask me abt smth general. But should that be the priority? If he really valued me, why would he allow himself to be calculative and petty over that "insincerity"? Unless his guard of being wary of me is up again. But I doubt so. That's why maybe I don't mean as much or at all to him anymore. And I don't wanna force it out of him, because sometimes when things and people change, they just do and nothing good will come out of anything that's forced.

I guess I'm gonna accept it that whatever that we had is gonna be the most that we would've and could've gone through together. And I shall close this chapter and move on completely. Yes I would still love to keep him by my side as a friend and I would try to because he's been a great person to me even as a friend, unless he pushes me away, but I will move on from hoping and wanting us to blossom into anything more already. It's time, to walk away.

Nights world.
"Find a song not that you like to sing, but one that suits you singing, bringing out the best in both you who sing, and him who is sung".

Nothing that is worth having comes easy.
You have to fight for it.
You have to try.

Dear diary,

It's been a while. And I've been trying to keep myself positive all these while. I tried, very hard, to let myself see the brighter side of things and life, using Yeecheng as my source of inspiration and role model. Not sure if I should say that I've been quite successful at not taking things to heart, or that I've just been good at repressing my unhappy feelings and emotions.

I still miss B. Very much it is. And looking at the occasional pictures he's tagged in on fb, the only source of update I do get about his life now, I can't help but to wonder, and wreck my brain to think, why did he not contact me all these while? Amidst his really busy life during this semester, has he not thought of me at all? Has he not thought of wanting to ask how I have been all these while? Is it just because he is plain busy and hence prioritized his work and has put everything else aside, or is it also because he has already gotten detached from me entirely from the hurt I caused by keeping things from him just before this happened? If it was the former, that nothing has changed between us, and I am still that precious and important person to him, why hadn't he dropped me a text at least? Am I not worth an effort of a text to at least keep in touch while he is busy? I feel as though I lost him, just overnight, without even knowing the reason why. I can't wait to end this semester so that I can talk to him and find out why. But if it was the latter, that I was the one who caused him to detach from me by hiding things from him before this, I really wished there was something that I could do to make it up to him. The worst thing of all is that, it is none of the above, because maybe he's totally detached from me because we just did, and that because I was never as important as I thought I was to him, that all that we shared was just something insignificant to him that what we had can just be broken into millions of pieces with just time.

It really hurts. To miss someone so terribly yet not being able to see him, touch him, or hear his voice at all. And I really wish to just let it go. But at the same time, I did not try to even reach out to him to find out why, and letting go without even trying to know the reason what caused the change in us so suddenly should be the last thing that I should do.

I keep telling myself to have faith. I keep reminding myself to believe in him and in our friendship that it is not that fragile, because of the chemistry, the connection and specialness that both of us shared. I keep telling myself to not overthink. To not just focus on the negative and forget about everything else. But it's really a struggle. I know it's my fault for not reaching out to him when I want to know what happened between us, but I feel vulnerable. And I just don't want to disturb him if to him, it was really nothing but plain busy to him that he didn't contact me at all. I don't want to appear needy. Yet I know it shouldn't be an issue of being needy because as long as it bothers me, it is a concern, regardless of whether or not he senses the same. My concern shouldn't be dismissed just because maybe he didn't sense the same. So I can only have myself to blame then since there was something that I could do (though it involves a risk of being vulnerable) yet I chose not to. Sigh. In fact, it all boils down to pride. I wish I could put aside my pride and just be vulnerable. Like what Oli said, people don't want to initiate texting the other first because they are afraid to be vulnerable, because by texting first would just suggest that they care about things more. And she followed by saying that we shouldn't be afraid to show that we care more because that's how loving a person should be.

That's why the struggle in me. I guess for now I should just stop ruminating on the sadness because at least I'm still lucky I still have the choice of acting and there are still hopes of the benefit of doubt, unlike Oli who has already tried almost all means and come to a conclusion that Mik has chosen to walk away no matter what she did. Just focus on this last lap, hang in there since I've already done so for so long, and then address the issue with him after that. At least I'm not letting myself down because I acted, and I tried. Yeecheng told me he finds that I don't really like B as a person, but his traits and of course certain memories that we shared together. And he said that he thinks I'm likely to not be someone who is willing to begin a chapter 2 with B, but to end the chapter 1 of what we had. Well, I guess before I make any decision, I would want to give us a chance still to first find out how he feels. He has his own life to lead now, one which can't possibly involve me in everything like how we did before when proximity allowed us to. But anyway, like what I told him before, I still believe that a relationship takes mutual efforts to sustain. And I trust that if our affinity is meant to last, it will and with that, we will want to put in the effort no matter what obstacles come forth. And doors of opportunities will still be opened if we were meant to last. So I shouldn't blame myself for not acting or acting wrongly, because as long as both of us value this, it will never be too late.

Unless he doesn't value this relation of ours, then I guess this is not worth so much of my time and effort anymore. But first of all, girl, before you make any conclusion that he doesn't value this, prove to him that he's really important to you, that you really want to keep him in your life, and you're worth his efforts.

Press on. 
Get a grip on yourself. 
Let Yeecheng's positivity, faith, hope, courage, determination, and confidence spread to you. 
You can do this, girl.

Dear diary,

I.. don't really know how I should feel right now. I really really wanna feel happy for him because it seems like he's having such a great time with his circle of friends in his faculty while working hard for his mod. And I should feel proud of him that he's doing and giving so much to others in the society, and that he's producing such outstanding performance in that mod. I know I should. Because he's important to me. Someone whom I love. And I want the best for him. Girl, remember all how heartaching you'd felt when he was the sad, lonely, negative, pessimistic and helpless person he used to be, and all you'd wanted is to see that smile on his face and for him to be happy? Now that he seems to be happy and smiley most of the time, and is surrounded by his own supportive close friends whom he's finally found, I should feel happy for him.

But the selfish side of me just can't help but to feel really upset at the same time because while he is leading such a meaningful and enriched life, I cannot he involved in a single life event of his. I'm so tempted to find fault in him for neglecting me, but he is not obliged to shower me with attention anyway. N i shouldn't blame him because he has the reason to be that busy and caught up with his school work anyway. This is he being work oriented and having that said, it's a strength. It's a rare trait that's commendable. But I really can't help but to feel upset. I know I shouldn't be selfish and seek his attention when he is so caught up with his work. And he's not obliged to.

But I feel so tired of missing him. Sometimes I just wanna dial that familiar 8 digits and just hear his voice. Just 5 minutes would be sufficient. And the selfish me would just wanna scold and blame him for forgetting about me by not looking me up while he's busy, but which I know I can't. And I don't wanna disturb him. What if he was busy doing his project? What if he was having an important discussion with his friends? So many what ifs. And in the end, I chose to keep my mind occupied by keeping myself busy with work and school and other friends. I'm constantly trying to surpress how much I miss him and that really sucks.

I feel miserable, which I don't want to. I guess out of all the ups and downs that we've faced, this is the most terrible and heartaching. This is the longest time ever that we haven't talked and it really sucks. Sucks so much that I just wanna let go and walk away. I miss the happy me. I miss my own smiles and laughter. And for missing him, my smiles and laughter have been in their shadow for so long. I know I could've reached out to him more if I longed for him.

One reason for myself to blame is that I don't reach out to him and show that I want or miss him. All I do is to put up a strong front and treat him like a oh-hey-hi friend. But Idk how to suddenly show that vulnerable and needy side of me to him. Initially I was feeling guilty for not initiating to strike conversations with him and keep him updated with my life cos of how he was upset when he was kept out of the loop. But now, I guess the guilt has disappeared cos he doesn't seem to be bothered by it anymore. Instead, he seemed pretty occupied happily with activities in and people from his mod. And prolly that's why I feel like I'm being kept out of the loop too and that we don't owe each other anything anymore.

And then I keep telling myself to have faith in him and our "relationship" because he's proven to me so many times that we are capable of withstanding adversities. He's shown me countless times how much our friendship meant to him by going the extra mile for me despite the fact that he would ocassionally be overly engrossed with his work during a period before that. But it's so tough, to have that faith. And it's even tougher this time round, because this is the longest time ever that we haven't been talking. I'm tired of missing him, but I'm more afraid to have lost him. I know having said that, the more I should act on it, and fight for it. But I don't have that strength, determination and motivation. And that stupid pride and fear. I just wanna let these stupid things go.

Repost: http://thoughtcatalog.com/isabel-hershko/2014/03/this-is-what-happens-when-you-love-someone-who-has-built-up-walls/

This Is What Happens When You Love Someone Who Has Built Up Walls

Mar. 18, 2014

By Isabel Hershko

Loving someone who has walls up is not a careless decision. It takes a conscious commitment to assign yourself as the one to take the first strike at the concrete surrounding their heart. These are people who have painted over their fragile skin with instant-ready cement, blocking out the feel of fingerprints and the echo of empty promises. They tell themselves that all the little nuances that make them secret romantics have to stay hidden away. 

But despite it all — despite the walls and the “do not enter” sign they hang around their neck — you might just fall for them. And in some miracle of ways, they might fall for you, too.

For them, loving you will be like walking into a construction zone: messy and just a little bit dangerous. But it all will come with the promise of tearing down old walls to make room for something open and stable.

They won’t promise that they’ll be able to hit some magic switch and all of a sudden, they’ll act differently than they always have. To say so would be a lie, and both of you know it. It’s going to take some time. Walls are a stubborn sort of architecture, and they won’t come down without a fight. Just know that the first few nights you spend together, they really will want to cuddle up close to you and burrow themselves in your arms. They’ll want to, more than anything. But they also won’t want to seem needy. They’ll sleep with their backs to you, and they’ll pray that you’ll be more courageous than they are. They’ll sleep with crossed fingers and an anxious heartbeat, hoping that eventually you’ll pull them back to you and you’ll show them that it’s okay to be endearing. 

They are going to shut down. All people do, at some point or another. But for the ones who have gotten used to a life of distance, the first sharp bite of unpleasant reality is going to sting the most. During your first fight, they probably won’t say a word. They probably won’t even look at you. But they’ll come around, eventually. And they will apologize for being so distant and stubborn. 

They will try not to punish you for their past, and at first, they likely will fail. As hard as this unplaced punishment may seem, try not to lose your temper. If they’ve let you know that they’re making the attempts to work with you, instead of against you like they have most others, you’re on your way. All love requires work. You may be paying for someone else’s mistakes at the moment. And it may be inherently hard. But if you’re fighting together, you’ll soon reap the rewards of someone who has ventured farther into their heart than anyone else dared. A little patience goes so far. 

At the heart of it all, if a person with walls has decided they love you, they mean it. To have walls means to block yourself out, and when love nestles itself in the basement of your heart, it becomes a permanent resident banging on walls and demanding to be tended to. So although at times it may seem this fight is a one sided battle, do not forget that just because you cannot see the war raging on does not mean it doesn’t exist. 

If you’re smart, you know a good thing when you see one. And this person with the walls seemingly unbreakable just might be the best thing you’ll have seen in a long, long time. So when the break down and the fight seem too much, remember what you’re fighting for. Remember than underneath the layers of doubt and distance is a person with a heart that could have been molded just for you. Loving someone with walls is never easy. But sometimes, if you’re lucky, the fight is more than worth it.

Repost: http://markmanson.net/hidden-costs-of-happiness 

The Hidden Costs of Happiness

Anyone who has ever taken an economics class has heard the phrase, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

It means that everything has a cost, even if that cost is not always immediately apparent. To achieve anything, you must give up something else.
In today’s happiness-obsessed culture, most pursue just the opposite: happiness with no costs, all benefits. We want the rewards without the risks, the gain without the pain.
But ironically, it’s this unwillingness to sacrifice anything, to give up anything, that makes us more miserable.
As with anything else, happiness has costs. It is not free. And despite what Cover Girl or Tony Robbins the Dalai Lama once told you, it’s not always easy breezy either.

1. You Must Accept Imperfection and Flaws

Many people believe that if they just collect a house, a spouse, a car, and 2.5 children, everything will be “perfect.” Life has a checklist. You check each item off, you get to be happy and old for a couple decades, then you die.
But life doesn’t work that way. Problems don’t go away; they change and evolve. Today’s perfection becomes tomorrow’s swampy cesspool of shit and the quicker that we accept the point of life is progress and not perfection the sooner we can all order a pizza and go home.
Perfection is an idealization. It’s something that is approached but never reached. Whatever your conception of “perfect” in your pretty little head is today, is itself, an imperfect conception.
There is no perfect. There is only what you wish in your head.
We don’t get to decide what perfection is. We don’t know. All we can know is what is better or worse than what is now. And even then we’re often wrong.
When we let go of our conception of what is perfect and what “should” be, we relieve ourselves of the stress and frustration of living up to some arbitrary standard. And usually this standard isn’t even ours! It’s a standard we adopted from other people.
Accepting imperfection is hard because it forces us to accept that we have to live with things we don’t like. We don’t want to give that up. We want to hold on to control and let the whole world know how Canadian democracy should be and why the season finale to Breaking Bad was all messed up.
But life will never conform to all of our desires. Ever. And we will always be wrong about something, in some way. Ironically, it’s the acceptance of this that allows us to be happy with it, it allows us to appreciate the flaws in ourselves and in others. And that, my friends, is a good thing.

2. You Must Take Responsibility For Your Problems

Blaming the world for our problems is the easy way out. It’s tempting and it can even be satisfying. We’re the victims and we get to be all emo and indignant at all of the terrible injustices that have been inflicted upon us. We wallow in our imagined victimhood so as to make ourselves feel unique and special in ways we never got to feel unique and special anywhere else.
But our problems are not unique. And we are not special.
The beauty of accepting the imperfection of your own knowledge is that you can no longer be certain that you’re not to blame for your own problems. Are you really late because of traffic? Or could you have left earlier? Is your ex really a selfish asshole? Or were you manipulative and over-demanding towards him? Is it really the incompetence of your manager that lost you your promotion? Or was there something more you could have done?
The truth is usually somewhere around “both,” — although it varies from situation to situation. But the point is that you can only fix your own imperfections and not the imperfections of others. So you may as well get to work on them.
Sure, shit happens. It’s not your fault a drunk driver hit you and you lost your leg to a botched surgery. But it’s your responsibility to recover from that loss, both physically and emotionally. So get recovering.
Blaming others for the problems in your life may give you a smidgen of short-term relief, but ultimately it implies something entirely insidious: that you are incapable of controlling your own fate. And that’s the most depressing assumption to live with of all.

3. You Must Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is feeling the fear, the doubt, the insecurity, and deciding that something else is more important.
As long as we’re identified with our moment-to-moment emotional states and sensitivities, our happiness will surge and crash like a deregulated Wall Street derivatives orgy. For those of you who don’t know anything about Wall Street: that’s really bad. We want sturdy, resilient happiness. Not derivatives orgies.
True, long-lasting, kid-tested-and-mother-approved happiness, is derived not from our immediate emotional states — being constantly giddy is not only impossible but would be unbearably annoying — but rather is derived from the deeper values we define for ourselves. Our Ultimate Life Satisfaction (TM) is not defined by what we do and what happens to us, but why we do what we do and why it happens to us.

4. You Must Find a Deeper Purpose to Your Actions

A better way of saying this is you must choose what is motivating you. Is it something superficial and external or something deeper and more meaningful?
Being motivated by money for the sake of money leads to unstable emotional regulation and a lot of obnoxious and superficial behavior. Being motivated by money so that one can provide a good life for their family and children is a much sturdier foundation to work with. That deeper purpose will motivate one through the stress and fear and inevitable complications that a more superficial motivation would not.
Being motivated by the approval of others leads to needy and unattractive behavior. Being motivated by the approval of others because you’re an artist and you want to construct art that moves and inspires people in new and powerful ways is far more sustainable and noble. You’ll be able to work through disapproval, embarrassments and the occasional disaster.
How does one find their deeper purpose? Well, it’s not easy. But then again, robust and resilient lifelong happiness isn’t easy either (What, you mean nobody ever told you that?)
A large chunk of my upcoming book will be about finding a deeper purpose in our lives. But here’s a hint: growth and contribution. Growth means find a way to make yourself a better person. Contribution means find a way to make other people better. Look for ways that you can integrate those into your motivations.
There’s nothing wrong with sex, money and rock and roll (hey, preaching to the choir here). But the sex needs to be motivated by something deeper than sex, the money needs to be motivated by a value more sustainable than simply money, and the rock and roll needs to just fucking rock. Find a way to slide growth and/or contribution under them and bam; you get the best of both worlds.

5. You Must Be Willing to Fail and Be Embarrassed

I wrote in my dating book that you cannot be a powerful life-changing presence to some people without being a complete joke and embarrassment to others.
Interestingly, this has become probably the most quoted line from the book and the one I get emailed about the most often.
The beautiful thing about humanity is the diversity of life values. When you live out your values and let them motivate your actions and behaviors, you will inevitably clash with those whose values contradict your own. These people will not like you. They will leave nasty anonymous comments on the internet and make inappropriate comments about your mother. Anything you do that’s important will inevitably be accompanied by those who wish for you to fail. Not because they’re bad people, but because their values differ from yours.
(OK, some of them are fucking awful people.)
As someone much wiser than me once said, “Haters gonna hate.”
In any venture, failure is required to make progress. And progress, by definition, is what drives happiness — the progress of ourselves, the progress of others, the progress of our values and what we care about. Without failure there is no progress and without progress there is no happiness.
Relish the pain. Bathe in the scorn. The most important skill in life is not how to avoid getting knocked down, but rather learning how to stand back up. Haters gonna hate.

Dear diary,

It's hard to describe my current feeling now. I miss him badly and I'm really upset that he's engaging in so much activities with his faculty friends, with me seemingly out of his life. I know that he is really darn busy with his current advanced mod, but I don't need him to meet me, all I want is to just hear from him. Oh gawd. My eyes are like brimming with tears as I type this. I know that if I wanted to hear from him about all his life happenings, I can always initiate to talk to him. But if I don't ever do so, will he take this initiative? Or am I no longer important to him anymore? I really really really don't wanna sound like a whiny princess, who cries and begs for attention surrounding me all the time. I don't wanna be a typical needy girl who wants others to initiate first and give in to all my wants. It's really not about that. It's about the effort. It's about the heart and the thought. I know it's happened a few times when I almost gave up on him due to his indifference, but he never failed to prove me wrong again and again by doing something really special for me once again after a period of time even without knowing that I was about to walk away. That is why T always says that I'm the selfish one who always wants to give up that friendship, and B is always the one who was putting in the effort. Well, part of what T said is true. I'm safeguarding my feelings, and hence pretending to be aloof and wanting to distance myself or detach myself from anything to do with him, so that I will not feel hurt if it happens. But he.. though he safeguards his feelings too (by not being courageous to express his emotions freely?), he's never walked away. Even so, I don't want to hold on to this expectation because I'm afraid of disappointment. I'm afraid that the next time round his indifference surfaces again, our connection would have been broken, forever. Sigh. Safeguarding again. Somebody please tell me that all of these are just my self-fulfilling prophecies. Can I just deceive myself to believe that it's because I worry and think too much, so I thought he will be too busy for other things other than his involvement and commitment in his advanced mod, and so I was the one who didn't want to initiate, which led to his passivity too (since I didn't do anything to drive him to feel the need to act on anything) and hence, the confirmation of my over thinking of him leaving me out of his happenings in life which is so suggestive of his lack of interest in anything to do with me anymore. I don't want to be so negative. Really. T always used to tell me that I always tend to pick on those negative happenings and drive myself into thinking about the worst of things. I know I shouldn't. But I feel too neglected, or rather, forgotten. I don't wanna feel this way because I know that if he were someone else, I wouldn't have felt so affected, and self-fulfilling prophecy will work in a good way (me thinking he's still the same and I don't feel so affected by whether I will be forgotten and hence not think or fear too much and just ask him out when I feel like it, he might just reciprocate my acts of taking initiative, finally leading to me confirming my thought that I still mean the same importance to him). And to add on to my wanting to make up to the hurt I caused him previously, the more I hope that he would still want or include me in his life. OKAY. I shall not allow myself to revolve around this cycle of negativity anymore. If he doesn't do anything, I must do something. To love is to be vulnerable. Don't safeguard your feelings anymore. We can't have 2 people both safeguarding their feelings (he being afraid to express his emotions, and I walking away easily). Keep P's words in mind. You have to fight for something if you really want it. At the end of the day, even if you fail, you know that at least you tried. For all you know, he might be feeling insecure too and is waiting for you to act on it first. So.. it shouldn't really matter who takes the first step, should it? Don't be so affected by what he does. Do your best, and the rest is all up to him. Jiayou!

Nothing can describe how much I miss you right now. Here I am, standing at the canal at my place, and thinking back of my memories of you here. As I looked over to the bridge, I can remember one of our first few phonecalls there as you were going on telling me about a girl who always said "whatever" to you which you hated, and also about how stressed you were over reading psy journal articles and your psy101 project. I miss you. I miss how I managed to provide you with just the right comfort that you needed. I miss how your phonecalls were the reason why I looked forward to walking home at night along the canal. There was also once when we were on the phone as I bumped into yh who was jogging then. And not forgetting the most significant incident when I called you while I was on my way home from the reservoir bus stop at 2am after catching "cloud atlas" with you and joe. I was afraid to walk home alone at that timing and I asked if I could call you so that I had company. You said you were gonna go shower so I asked if you could just leave your phone on speaker so you can shower and I would still know that you were there with me. But you insisted that you would call and accompany me first and then go to shower after. That was also the first time I wore your cardigan (in the theatre) which smelt kinda nice. So much sweet memories with you. You're like one of the sweetest guy ever to me, in your own distinct ways. Yet, idk why I'm letting you go. I guess I can say that I'm too afraid to face any negative consequences like losing you if I ever have to (especially if we grow to become overly attached), so I'd rather not have you. You don't know how much I miss you now though. Just wanna hug you so tight and never let go. :( right now, I can't feel more sorry to have hurt you again and again even after promising that I'll treat you better. I'm so scared that I'd have already lost you from your disappointment towards me again and again till it's become apathy. Please don't give up on me. I must get this back. I will fix this and us. Please leave this bit of confidence and faith in me and don't let me go. I'll do my best. Because you're worth my best.

Dear diary,

I don't wanna feel so miserable anymore. But I can't bring myself to do what I know I am supposed to do. I just can't make things right without screwing anything up in the "relationship" I have with him. Plenty of opportunities were presented right in front of me, to bridge the gap, to undo the hurt that I've caused, and to draw us closer again, but I had to screw things up by sticking to others, neglecting him again. I could've taken the opportunities to chat with him privately. I could have. But my stupid idk pride or fear held me back. It's complete dumbness. Instead of bridging the gap, it is in fact pulling us further apart. And it's to that extent that I don't think he can be bothered by anything anymore, and that I am detaching myself further from him ever than before. I want to recover the closeness of our friendship or intimacy in this "relationship" of ours. But it always comes to this point where this question of why I am doing it pops into my mind and I'll retreat. I feel so miserable. 2 years. It's been 2 years. He's the first guy ever in my life that I am so afraid of falling for, and in most denial over. The problem is that, I don't know what I want. Even if my mind is set on an idea at times, it hovers. It hovers around the question, doubt, and insecurity how much worth my actions contained. And I'll continue to mindfuck myself by going deeper into why it is not worth my emotions investment. Everytime I think about what drew me to him (his sensitivity, simplicity, sweetness, and how special he would treat me as compared to others), I feel like the last thing that I ever wanna do is to let him slip by my life. There's so much potential in us of creating beautiful things together. But what exactly is holding me back? What exactly is holding him back? (I know I shouldn't assume that he is holding anything back. But seriously, will any guy just go all out to do so many special things for you if they do not feel the least feelings for you?) But on the other hand, everytime his passivity, negativity, and indifference surface, I feel helpless and I feel like letting him go. I just can't bear to not have him which is damn selfish on my part. But his "coming back" such as acts of showing that he still values me always make me make a u turn back to holding on to him in my life. Sighpie. What do I really want?

Repost:

I don't like you because you're good looking.  
I don't like you because you're good at getting what you want.  
I don't like you because you drive a big car.
I don't like you because you're a gentleman.  
I don't like you because you're smart.  
I don't like you because we're close.

I don't care how tyrannical your dad is.  
I don't care how little freedom you have at home.  
I don't care how rich you are.

I like you because you make me smile, you make me laugh, you know me, you are different, special, and important to me, that you are not just any other person, and knowing that I am not just another to you, and that you care even though you don't say it.

But you're negative, pessimistic, unaffectionate, uncertain, avoidant, pretentious (attempting to impress by affecting greater importance or merit than is actually possessed).

With these, how am I not expected to doubt this?
 I need strength to carry on.

Repost: Sat, 7 September, 2013  

I like how you make me happy and smile. I like how you would bring me into a world of fun and laughter. I like how you would tease me. I like how you would scare me and laugh like you're so amused by my reactions. I like how you would sometimes make me feel so important to you. I like your soothing voice over the phone, when you say goodnight to me and sometimes accompany me in the dark. I like to listen to your nonsense. I like to see your shy face. I like to see the smile on your face when you receive a gift from me. I like how you would tell me to sleep earlier and not eat too much sugary stuff. I like our non-awkward "awkward silence" over the phone. Though you're not affectionate or emotionally expressive which are the main reasons to my doubt of my feelings towards you at times, I still like you simply because you are you.

-21/9/13 

"Remember the sensitive side that drew you to him in the first place" - Mad 

Repost:

Yes u, B. Ivan Sung. Reason being you were my dearest bingbing whom I would used to call you by. Why is there always a period of time when I would feel exceptionally distant from you? Will we overcome this again like how we did a year ago when I was touched by what you did for my birthday and became closer after that distant period? What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Don't you feel that we are no longer the close friends that we used to be? Why do you seem so indifferent? I thought I could be different. I thought I could open up your heart. But the fact is that, I can't. You are the most unfeeling appearing person that I've come across. Do you know that? I guess your heart is deeper than where I thought it would be and thought I could reach out to. But it seems that I am wrong. All the sweet memories that we once shared seem to be non existent. I want to let go. I don't want to hold on to the hope of returning to how close we would be anymore. It is making my heart ache. And I feel so miserable. I long so much for you yet each time when I see you, it's nothing but mere annoyance. And I don't know how this can happen. I yearn so much to draw us closer together, but you just annoy me by sounding sarcastic, indifferent, and you're just like a rock. So hard, tough, and cold. You're like a stranger who is no one like the warm and dear brother that used to be there for me all the time. You used to be the first to know everything on my mind and now you seem to be the last, or sometimes you never knew. I don't even know how I'm feeling anymore. I thought I liked you more than just a friend. But your actions turn me off every time we meet such that I feel so ready to let go. I feel like I'm just holding on to the past, which is not even liking. I'm just missing the good old days. Actually you know what. I think I should stop thinking. Each time this happens, I should calm myself down and after a while, I won't feel as affected anymore. Like how I just did. As I came out of the washroom, I feel more calmed down. Girl brain, girl brain. Stop thinking so much. - 5/10/14

And yes indeed. We did overcome this again like how we did a year ago when I was touched by what he did for my birthday and became closer after a distant period. But it's a vicious cycle :( I wanna get out of this. I'm gonna tell him about my feelings.

Repost: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/30-things-you-should-stop-putting-yourself-through.html

30 Things You Should Stop Putting Yourself Through

Lifestyle February 4 by Siobhan Harmer 

 

If you really think about it how much effort do you put into routines, situations and people that are not actually benefitting your life? It’s time for a change. Here are 30 crucial things you need to stop doing to yourself:

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.
Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.
    
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

"Take things slow, but let your efforts show" - Mad.

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it." - Benjamin Mee, in We Bought a Zoo
 
Whatever that I do, losing and leaving B will be the last thing I would ever bear to do.

Repost: 

Dear diary, Alvin said that I have to calm down, relax, and be less tense when I climb. And what I was lacking in was FEARLESS. He said, "Don't worry. Even if you fall, just fall". I guess he's right. Idk why I'm so effing tensed up in life. Relax, girl. Relax. Worry less. And be happy. He's right. Why be scared of falling? If I'm gonna fall, just fall. It's not as if I'm gonna die from that fall. At most I'm gonna be hurt. And why so afraid of being hurt? We all become stronger after we recover from each injury. And if we don't dare to reach out, face our fear, and take the risk, we'll never be able to know how much we're capable of achieving and how great they are. Really admire his cheerfulness, optimism, and how passionate he is towards his dreams and interests. Good sense of humour, and full of patience and encouragement. What a great source of motivation and inspiration. Eyecandy level up. Haha. - 24/11/14

Let It Go - Demi Lovato

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, Let it go
Turn my back and slam the door

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in
Heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always had to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn my back and slam the door
And here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let it go, let it go
The cold never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
Up here in the cold thin air I finally can breathe
I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve

Let it go, Let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, Let it go,
Turn my back and slam the door
And here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let it go, let it go
The cold never bothered me anyway

Standing - frozen in the life I've chosen
You won't find me, the past is so behind me
Buried in the snow

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go,
Turn my back and slam the door
And here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let it go, let it go
The cold never bothered me anyway...
(let the music go on)
let it go, let it go
Let it go, let it go

Hi dear diary,

I finally did it. I told husky guy that I can't continue to see him anymore. I guess I feel relieved on my part? But I can't help but to feel bad for how hurt he feels. I hope that he will be fine soon. I can't bear for this to carry on anymore, with knowing that it will not be him that I will choose in the end. My heart is still with B, and even if B isn't the one for me eventually, I will not choose him because I know very well that this is not what I am looking for. Selfish as it may seem, I have no reason to accept his gestures of more than just a friend just to satisfy his happiness while jeopardizing mine right? To be honest, I don't even know what I am looking for. I only know what I am not looking for, but B feels just right (except for his negativity), without even me deliberately searching for it. Husky asked what is it that B has that he doesn't. I seriously couldn't answer it. I wanted to think that it's because B makes me happy. But I don't even know why I just feel that additional sparks with B when I feel happy around most other guys too. The additional connection with B, which makes me miss and crave for his presence or even just his voice, I don't even know why and how it came about. We haven't been in contact for weeks, I miss B terribly, but at the same time, it feels like just what Faris said about how he feels towards Kendra, that everything that they had was just like a surreal dream.

I miss phone chats with B. I miss hearing his voice. I miss his care and concern. I miss his touch. Yet I don't even know why I miss him. We aren't even that close, are we? We only used to be close when we spoke to each other often, sending each other pictures of ourselves, and updating the lives of each other to the other every now and then. We aren't even like that now. We stopped confiding in each other. We stopped connecting with each other. But each time as I feel this way, he proves me wrong again and again. He would reappear each time I am ready to accept how we have drifted apart. So now, each time as I look at the starry box he made for my birthday last year, I would tell myself to have faith in him and us, that we are still the same. Because each time I wanted to give up but without him knowing it, he would show that he never stopped caring for me, that he's never forgotten about me. 

Seriously, I wonder if he ever misses me amidst our busy and different schedules. Does he look at the little things that I gave him, and reminisce the sweet memories that we created together like how I always do? Or do those gestures only mean something unnecessary to him? I thought I could make him happy. But do I still have that ability? Does he still feel happy with my presence? Or am I just like any other ordinary friend whom he can not mind not having? It was just last year during the second half of the year when we moved a little slightly up the scale of being more than just friends. How we had the "u put down first, no u put down first" shy but annoying thingy over the phone, how he would still ask me out on his own accord, telling me not to tell the rest who were with me that he was asking only me, how he would "bring me out" (exact quote from him) to places to have dinner and meeting his best buds from poly (when we caught that soft toy at the arcade together, and when we went to the handle bar and had a meal together), or how he would say that he wants to bring me out to places with good food, how we would go exploring places like fort canning park, how we loved to tease or bully each other by playing with our food and being annoying by showing our "care and concern" (but actually just flirting and playing around), how he put on his big, comfy and nice smelling cardigan for me and asked me to wear it home, and finally how he would nag at me specifically over the husky issue, saying that he nags cos he cares, and it was me that is why he nags, and he wouldn't have bothered if it was someone else.

How can I miss him so badly omg. I wonder if he still sees what we have as precious, and me as a special one. I feel like hearing his voice now. He said that he hasn't changed. But corny as it sounds, why do I feel like he's just somebody whom I used to know?

"Hey ling.. Sorry that I have not spoken to you for so long.. I know I have been confused and chose to push all my friends away.. Although I have no idea why am I doing this, but I'm guessing that since relationship is fragile, what's the use of retaining it and eventually we could carry on with our lives without the need of others.. But right now I know that I owe you an apology.. For putting in effort to recover our friendship. For reminding me that we have to keep our close friends closer no matter what happens. For all these that you have done and I have totally taken for granted of, I'm really sorry.. Now I'm hope to recover our friendship because I believe that close friends are the special ones that will remain and put in effort to stay in contact and even be there when you need help. So I guess that we should hang out again and maybe call each other up sometime to share events of our life.. what do you think? -10/9/12"

GAWDAMMIT. I MISS YOU, B.

E deleted me on fb.

And so coincidentally, it is his birthday today. Hah. To think I almost texted him a Happy Birthday. I would've been the dumbest idiot if I did.

So, after all these times, the simple intention of wanting to treat him as my friend has all along been a one sided foolish thought of mine. Treating him as my friend doesn't even mean that I possess any other thought of wanting to date him again. I just wanted to remain on good terms with him, because ending a relationship doesn't necessarily constitute to the need of having to end a friendship right? I understand that there's no need to go the extra mile for the other anymore, but even so, is there a need to treat each other with such hostility?

He once told me that he is not one who breaks contact with his partner just because of a breakup. I guess I trusted him wrongly, once again.

But at least now that I know that he only intends to see me as a stranger, why should I continue to bother about him?

I have never wanted myself to despise you. Because I trusted you and myself to always see the best in people, especially when you were one whom I once dated. But you have proved me wrong again and again, showing me that you are not even worth any bit of my thought, appreciation, and thankfulness.