Dear diary,

I am jealous once again. Damnit. Im so screwed. How do I get rid of this sense of jealousy? I don't want to feel jealous anymore but I can't. Whenever she tries to get close to him and he doesn't push her away, I can't help but to feel insecure, jealous, and low self esteem that I would choose to distant myself away. OH GAWD. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like I'm struggling so much inside. So miserable. And I feel that nobody except myself can help me with this. OH GAWD. I can't concentrate on my studies. I can't focus. I can't. I just can't. It makes me want him so much. It makes me long for him so much. It makes me desire for him so much. And I'm sick of telling my friends about him. Because they all have already given me whatever opinions they have and yet I am forever going in circles. It makes me want him so much that I think I should let him go. Sounds ironic I know but I feel so inferior. I guess I can understand how JS feels now. The sense of insecurity despite how people would tell him how good he is. But the difference is that YH is always providing him with constant reassurance which I don't receive for my case. OH DEAR DIARY. I feel like screaming and crying. Feel so miserable.

I should calm myself down and really decide and stick to a solution right now. Hey I deserve better. Why am I making myself so miserable and upset here? I said I wanted to tell him. So I should tell him. Don't wait anymore. Stop waiting for him to ask you out. Because if I keep waiting, I am just gonna mindfk myself even more. I guess I will skip the supper on Wednesday. As much as I want to be around him, I can't deal with the jealousy any further. I need to be distracted by other people. I need to shift my attention away. I need to detach myself. Oh man. I can't stop thinking right now. But I know there is no use and no point thinking about anything now. There is just nothing that I can do right now. I need to know my priority. My priority is to study right now. I think I really have to be disciplined to let go of him. I don't want to feel jealous anymore. Or probably I should allow myself to face the fact of him being close with other girls, and then feel okay with that. Maybe that is the best way to let go? I must feel okay with her trying to get close to him. I cannot feel threatened. Breathe in, breathe out. I shouldn't feel threatened. I shouldn't allow myself to feel sad over him anymore. I must face my fear of having to lose him one day. I must tell myself that it is okay. It is okay that I might lose him one day. Don't be afraid. I should wish him happiness that I probably cannot provide him with. I cannot hog him to myself. I cannot be selfish and want him for myself. I should let him go out to find his own happiness. He does not belong to me. I shouldn't have the expectations that he will place me as priority and that I wouldn't lose him at all. I feel like crying. I still miss him. Can't help but to keep thinking of the times when he was the one who made me smile when I was crying over others who made me miserable. Yet now, why has he become the one I am crying over? I need a hug. I need courage. I need encouragement. I don't know why I am so scared of liking him. He is the first guy I am so scared of falling for. And I should stop behaving like a loser.

JIAYOU HUANG WEILING. JIAYOU. BREATHE IN. BREATHE OUT. KEEP CALM. BE OKAY WITH YOURSELF. DO NOT LOSE YOUR COOL. FIND PEACE. FIND PEACE IN YOURSELF. YOU CAN DO IT. YES, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. YOU WILL BE OKAY WITH YOURSELF. IF HE IS MEANT FOR YOU, HE WILL BE. IF HE ISN'T, THEN YOU HAVE TO BRACE UP, FACE IT, AND TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU'RE OKAY AND IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. CHIN UP, SMILE, AND WALK ON.