Dear diary, I went for a rockclimbing session today with odac and spent a day bonding with the people from yh's friend's foc group. They are really nice and fun loving people whom I really love hanging out with. Well, maybe the girls would slowly open up to me and become more friendly to me? Now the guys are mostly the ones who are being friendly to me. Anyway, they are a fun loving bunch. Yup. Meeting them really brought my stress from sch and B away. Felt so great today you know. That sense of adrenaline rush from doing these adventure stuff just perks me up. Challenging my limits. But I got 3 bruises from that :( and anyway, a senior actually caught my eye. He's cute and kindhearted and sporty. Omg. Ideal. But got sabotaged by xinyi n the rest. They called him and said that I wanted to take a picture with him. And they said that my dare was to ask him to strip. The cheeky him even joked n asked if it was he or me who has to strip. But I was too shy and so the rest didn't insist and he ended up just helping us take a group photo. And u know at the point in time, I actually felt a bit of interest towards someone else. And I felt totally okay without B. Sigh. I knew it. P was right. I wasn't really in love with B. Instead, I was just settling for the most potential person. U see, when I meet someone else who catches my eye, I would be placing my attention more on this guy and get less affected by B. Both good and bad I guess. But as much as I want to know about that new guy, I can't deny that my sense of attachment towards B is still present. And the things that we went through are just unforgettable. So.. Idk. Maybe this is the best time to keep cool and let nature take its flow..

I know relationships aint everything. But I must admit that love is an important part of my life. I want love. And I need love. And I wanna give love. And he's the one I want all these to be associated with.

I like how you make me happy and smile. I like how you would bring me into a world of fun and laughter. I like how you would tease me. I like how you would scare me and laugh like you're so amused by my reactions. I like how you would sometimes make me feel so important to you. I like your soothing voice over the phone, when you say goodnight to me and sometimes accompany me in the dark. I like to listen to your nonsense. I like to see your shy face. I like to see the smile on your face when you receive a gift from me. I like how you would tell me to sleep earlier and not eat too much sugary stuff. I like our non-awkward "awkward silence" over the phone. Though you're not affectionate or emotionally expressive which are the main reasons to my doubt of my feelings towards you at times, I still like you simply because you are you. Will you let me love you and love me the way you would love a person you wouldn't want to lose? Will you wanna hold on to this fate that doesn't come by easily and create beautiful memories with me? Will you, and do you want to?

Okay enough for now. Goodnight world. Sweet candy dreams to me.

Dear diary, yes it's me again. Today, I attended Nick Vujicic's speech (the motivational speaker without limbs) at Joycelyn's church. And I learnt 2 inspiring quotes.

1) FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real
2) FAITH = Full Assurance In The Heart

And I was initially kinda inspired by him, till the part where I sensed the ultimate message lean towards forming a relationship with God (kinda thought that the message would be something like realizing the potential in every individual but oh wells, it's okay).

So anyway, I thought of my current issue. And how fearful I was to face it. Sigh. I should really face it I know. And I have been escaping. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I clearly know that ultimately, I want it. I want him. But I just can't get over the fear of rejection. I dread the feeling of awkwardness and sadness if he were to say no. I think I just can't face him telling me that he's never felt anything for me before. And again I'll wonder if that's falling in love with him. Is it that I really like him or is it simply the case of not wanting to be rejected? SIGHPIE.

So... Am I really gonna ask him out this Sunday to finally let this load off my chest? I should learn from yh, shouldn't I? Be brave. 勇敢地去爱。B, should I? Will you love me as I would want to? Should I talk to you about it? Will we work out? Are you willing to try? Do you want me?

Don't really know what to say. I just feel like saying something. I'm not jealous of her anymore cos I know that he wouldn't take an interest in her. What I'm more affected is how my avoidance towards him is driving us further apart. So far apart that we are losing everything we had. And not like he belongs to me, but I'm just scared that he will belong to someone else one day. I'm so scared. But even if I can't have him, I shouldn't let others not have him too right? Don't be selfish. If he's not meant to be yours, let someone else have him.

Dear diary, I feel exasperated. Everything is just not good. Idk why I'm still into him even though there's no romance, nothing at all. Why? Why am I still holding on to hope? What am I holding on to exactly? Sweet memories of the past? We are nothing now. Nothing. I don't dare to be near to him. And he doesn't come near me too. All the closeness, the intimacy, are gone. I don't know who he is anymore. Why am I still holding on? Why am I not letting go when there's nothing left of us? I feel like he's a stranger just across the table n across the street. No longer someone dear to me whom I hold close to anymore. It seems like the guy I once knew and experienced so much with is all a dream. We're gradually losing everything that held us close, and he isn't doing anything. Im not too but that's cos I'm scared. N I'm tired of all these. So effing tired. Caught in between the black and white area. And he probably doesn't give a shit anymore. Perhaps we're just passer bys in each other's lives afterall.

洒脱点。
All, or nothing.

Dear diary,

I am jealous once again. Damnit. Im so screwed. How do I get rid of this sense of jealousy? I don't want to feel jealous anymore but I can't. Whenever she tries to get close to him and he doesn't push her away, I can't help but to feel insecure, jealous, and low self esteem that I would choose to distant myself away. OH GAWD. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like I'm struggling so much inside. So miserable. And I feel that nobody except myself can help me with this. OH GAWD. I can't concentrate on my studies. I can't focus. I can't. I just can't. It makes me want him so much. It makes me long for him so much. It makes me desire for him so much. And I'm sick of telling my friends about him. Because they all have already given me whatever opinions they have and yet I am forever going in circles. It makes me want him so much that I think I should let him go. Sounds ironic I know but I feel so inferior. I guess I can understand how JS feels now. The sense of insecurity despite how people would tell him how good he is. But the difference is that YH is always providing him with constant reassurance which I don't receive for my case. OH DEAR DIARY. I feel like screaming and crying. Feel so miserable.

I should calm myself down and really decide and stick to a solution right now. Hey I deserve better. Why am I making myself so miserable and upset here? I said I wanted to tell him. So I should tell him. Don't wait anymore. Stop waiting for him to ask you out. Because if I keep waiting, I am just gonna mindfk myself even more. I guess I will skip the supper on Wednesday. As much as I want to be around him, I can't deal with the jealousy any further. I need to be distracted by other people. I need to shift my attention away. I need to detach myself. Oh man. I can't stop thinking right now. But I know there is no use and no point thinking about anything now. There is just nothing that I can do right now. I need to know my priority. My priority is to study right now. I think I really have to be disciplined to let go of him. I don't want to feel jealous anymore. Or probably I should allow myself to face the fact of him being close with other girls, and then feel okay with that. Maybe that is the best way to let go? I must feel okay with her trying to get close to him. I cannot feel threatened. Breathe in, breathe out. I shouldn't feel threatened. I shouldn't allow myself to feel sad over him anymore. I must face my fear of having to lose him one day. I must tell myself that it is okay. It is okay that I might lose him one day. Don't be afraid. I should wish him happiness that I probably cannot provide him with. I cannot hog him to myself. I cannot be selfish and want him for myself. I should let him go out to find his own happiness. He does not belong to me. I shouldn't have the expectations that he will place me as priority and that I wouldn't lose him at all. I feel like crying. I still miss him. Can't help but to keep thinking of the times when he was the one who made me smile when I was crying over others who made me miserable. Yet now, why has he become the one I am crying over? I need a hug. I need courage. I need encouragement. I don't know why I am so scared of liking him. He is the first guy I am so scared of falling for. And I should stop behaving like a loser.

JIAYOU HUANG WEILING. JIAYOU. BREATHE IN. BREATHE OUT. KEEP CALM. BE OKAY WITH YOURSELF. DO NOT LOSE YOUR COOL. FIND PEACE. FIND PEACE IN YOURSELF. YOU CAN DO IT. YES, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. YOU WILL BE OKAY WITH YOURSELF. IF HE IS MEANT FOR YOU, HE WILL BE. IF HE ISN'T, THEN YOU HAVE TO BRACE UP, FACE IT, AND TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU'RE OKAY AND IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. CHIN UP, SMILE, AND WALK ON.

明知道爱情并不牢靠
但是我还是拼命往里跳
明知道再走可能是监牢
但是我还是相信只是煎熬

朋友都劝我不要不要
不要拿自己的幸福开玩笑
但是做人已经那麽累 假惺惺的想要逃
在爱里连真心都不能给
这才真的真正可笑
这才真正的可笑

爱得太真 太容易 让自己牺牲
太容易让自己沉沦
太容易 不顾一切 满是伤痕
我太笨 明知道你是错的人
明知道这不是缘分
但是我还奋不顾身

可能 在爱里面这样算笨
可能 永远没有所谓永恒
但是我 不愿放弃这里面一点点可能
宁愿笨也不想要悔恨

爱得太真 太容易 让自己牺牲
太容易让自己沉沦
太容易 不顾一切 满是伤痕
我太笨 明知道你是错的人
明知道这不是缘分
但我还是奋不顾身
但我相信有点可能

Dear diary, I miss B. I wished he did too. But he seems more interested in meeting the whole group now. What about us? What happened to the things we said to do together? What happened to the wonderful memories we said to create? Why aren't you initiating to spend time with me alone anymore? Why do my feelings towards you fluctuate so much? Reminds me of the sweet times with A. Damn. I wished I could feel it again.

I dreamt of ma ma yesterday. Is this a sign of her visiting? Is she trying to tell me something through my dreams? B was in the dream too. What does this dream mean? I was holding B's hands in the dreams and we were with 2 little girls and a little boy with braces who were initially in the form of ghosts but transformed into humans. And I was telling the girls not to block B's view because he needs to drive the car, and it felt like a mother taking care of her little kids. Is ma ma trying to tell me something? Or is it just 日有所思，夜有所梦?

HE'S SOMEONE IMPORTANT.
TREAT HIM AS SOMEONE CLOSE.
TREAT HIM NORMALLY.
DO WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE DOING.
CALL HIM WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
TEXT HIM WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
SAY YOU MISS HIM WHEN YOU DO.
ASK HIM OUT WHEN YOU MISS HIM.
DON'T CONTROL ANYMORE.
DON'T HIDE ANYMORE.
DON'T PRETEND ANYMORE.
SO WHATEVER THAT COMES, FACE IT.
FACE HIM.

I can't make up my mind of what I want.

如果听实话 只会更伤
宁愿将你的谎话 当作善良
反正结局是这样 晓得细节又怎样

想好聚好散 完美伪装
可是被你的拥抱 击溃眼眶
不愿成全 不想原谅 但自尊太好强
最怕旧情人 像怜悯的眼光

爱的太逞强 无论多眷恋也不祈求不勉强
不爱我的我不想 讲得洒脱却感伤
总是爱的太逞强 怎么你竟让我不能忘不能放
痛 还想

戴上了墨镜 隔绝目光
然后戴上了耳机 紧贴悲伤
到人群里去流浪 也不一个人在家

越苦的情歌 越要敢唱
回忆最满的地方 坐一晚上
不要埋藏 才能释放 虽然痛会很长
爱不会留下 太容易疗的伤

But, if we could work out, we would've worked out long ago right?

Indeed, a roller coaster ride of emotions. Somehow, Idk. I dont feel the desire to want you as my boy anymore. As I experienced the extreme sadness on Friday as I got jealous over someone trying to get close to you, and then the sudden closeness to you yesterday and today, my feelings towards you just don't feel quite right now. They don't feel the same as before when I longed and desired so much for you. I no longer feel the desire to want to obtain comfort from you. And it's probably cos I have tried and the outcomes were just not as I had hoped for. You used to be able to capture my heart at times because you always just had the right things to say. I would feel comforted immediately after you spoke to me. But I didn't get that yesterday and today as we chatted. I don't feel that sense of exhilaration and addiction to you. I just felt like you were a person I was close to. That's it. No romance, no fun. And it was only a while ago just now that the thought of having you as my best friend crossed my mind and I tried to imagine it. And somehow I thought I felt okay, with us encouraging each other to go for our own love and happiness. I somehow thought that it would be a sense of relief.

Why am I so screwed? I think I am no longer falling in love with you anymore.

Sometimes I dont feel anything but ultimately I still find myself thinking of you at the back of my mind. I miss you. I want you. But I cant bring myself to say it to you. Im scared. Scared of the consequences. Sorry for being hot and cold to you. Sorry I cannot be by your side 24/7 and sorry I didnt try my best to keep you by my side and prevent you from slipping away from me as I had promised. Sorry for treating you so nastily when in fact you're someone so dear to me. Too many sorries.

"Thanks for not giving up on our friendship. I know image means everything to u so thanks for showing me ur most true n sincere side always. Know u will definitely say irritating stuff but nvm these are from the bottom of my heart okies. Thinking of wad u told me the other time about regaining ur trust in friendships.. I know it's hard to believe in anything now aft this n we may not return to how simply happy n close we used to be, but i hope u'll know tt im different. N cos this time I almost allowed myself to lose u, i won't let this slip away from my hands again without trying. Because ure different. Im sorry for hurting ur feelings. N I'm doing this because everything, all the happy n sad moments we've been thru are n will continue to be a special part of me n I mean it."

"But thanks for actually attempting to salvage this friendship... Hopefully we will have a lot more wonderful memories after this.."

-- 15/12/12

As you grow up, you will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll cry because because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures.
Laugh too much and love like you've never been hurt.
Because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

可能不是你。

Dear diary,

Why do I enjoy his company so much at times while at other times, I am so bored yet longing for that feeling of enjoyment which I most of the time fail to feel it. Sighpie. I really don't know if I really like him. I really want to, and sometimes I really enjoy him so damn much, so indescribable that I just wanna show him so much affection. But undoubtedly, I have to honestly admit that I am attracted to affectionate people too. And he, is just the extreme opposite. An overly shy and avoidant person who can't express his emotions well, tends to pretend to cover up his vulnerability, and has an overly high level of self control and perhaps rationality? But I can't. I need affection. And I know that this is extremely important to me. Someone affectionate, feeling, someone like A, who can balance both his emotional expression and rationality. But he is not. Incidences when I feel greatly attracted to him are when he shows his less restraint side occasionally, allowing me to feel closer to him and connect at a deeper level than just the surface. At times when he behaves like a rock, I would feel like he is a world apart. How do I fall in love with a rock? And sometimes when I show just a little bit more affection, he gives me the indifferent vibe, mostly when we have contact in person, which makes me super upset. Why can't we just behave more closely and affectionately like how we can always do so during phonecalls, or sometimes when we are around our couple friends? I wished he was less anxious about the fear of abandonment. I wished he was a tad more emotional. I wished he was more feeling. I wish. But all these are my wishes. I'm trying to shape him into my ideal guy, but maybe it's just not gonna happen no matter how hard I try? He is everything.. caring, sweet, gentlemanly, fun, and we can hit it off so well with each other. He has every trait of a perfect guy.. but emotions. I am super sick and tired of this turmoil, all the hoping but which ends up as disappointment. And I am tired in trying to open him up to me. Idk if he's worth my effort anymore. How does he feel about me then? If he doesn't long for more with me, then what point is there to keep placing my attention on this? Of cos I would want him to long for more, that's why I'm so bothered by whether he doesn't long for more, or just afraid to. Idk to attribute his hot and coldness to not wanting anything more cos he doesn't like me at all, or to fearing the devastation he will feel if he loses something he really holds dear to. And precisely cos I still want him as a friend, I am super hesitant to face this issue with him by bringing it up straightforwardly rather than constantly using actions to drop and seek for hints, knowing that he is one who has such fear to begin with. Sigh. Diary, I have to brave up and just talk to him about it cos if I don't, I know he never will, and I might regret it one day for letting such affinity slip past. I am avoidant, and he is like a worse male version of me. Sigh. I should really pluck up my courage and face it already. Though I am not 100% certain of my liking towards him, I really don't wanna miss this affinity. In fact, knowing that I need more, I shouldn't harbour any thoughts of being together with him. But I just can't bear to see such affinity and special connection with someone slip pass. Yeah. I must talk to him. I MUST.

DAMNIT. I MISS A. AFTER WATCHING THE NDP PARADE ON TV JUST NOW.. FOND MEMORIES OF US IN NDP 09 JUST FLOODED MY MIND LIKE OVERWHELMINGLY. I MISS YOU. DAMN. WHY ARE U STILL THE ONE WHO CAN CONNECT WITH ME THE MOST AND THE ONE WHO NEVER FAILS TO CAPTURE MY HEART AND FEELINGS. I MISS YOU. I MISS THE FEELING OF BEING SIGNIFICANT TO SOMEBODY, BEING LONGED FOR BY SOMEBODY, AND BEING COMFORTED AND SHOWERED WITH CARE AND CONCERN BY SOMEBODY. I MISS THE FEELING OF BEING HUGGED TIGHTLY BY SOMEBODY, AND SHOWERED WITH ENDLESS KISSES. I MISS SEEING THE NAME OF A SPECIAL ONE NEVER FAIL TO APPEAR ON MY PHONE EVERY NIGHT. I MISS HEARING THE COMFORTING VOICE OF SOMEONE SWEET TO ME EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I TURN IN. I MISS HEARING THIS SOMEONE'S SINGING, DESPITE HOW TUNELESS IT IS, WHENEVER I FELT UPSET. I MISS THE FEELING OF BEING MISSED. AND I MISS BEING IN LOVE. I know things are and can no longer be the same, and that we have moved on. And knowing that I'm probably not the girl in your life whom you will consider the most unforgettable or impacted your life significantly like how you somehow are and did to me (well probably the girl G before me was but it's alright). But I have to admit it. Why hasn't anyone else been able to make me fall in love this endlessly?

What I like:

1. Outdoor adventure/sports -  swimming, running, cycling
2. Music - piano, singing
3. Photography - arty farty, abstract
4. Nature - sea, waters, beach, gardens, parks, sunrise, sunset
5. Exploring - exotic/secluded/quiet/peaceful beautiful places eg. cafes, bars, hideouts
6. Art and craft - drawing, handicrafts
7. Baking
8. Food - especially sweet stuff eg. dessert, pastries, icecream, chocolate
9. Events - organizing events
10. Leadership stuff - camps
11. Meeting new people
12. Helping people
13. Observing people
14. Inspirational stuff
15. Math
16. Cats

GET YOUR PRIORITIES RIGHT, GIRL!!!
WHAT YOU WANT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT.
ENJOY LIFE.
BE HAPPY.
MAKE EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF LIFE A FULFILLING ONE.
DO WHAT YOU ENJOY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
STEP OUT OF HERE AND LOOK FOR IT.
DO NOT CONFINE YOURSELF TO WHAT YOU THINK WILL BE THE OUTCOME.
STOP ACCEPTING WHAT YOU THINK YOU CANT CHANGE.
START CHANGING WHAT YOU THINK YOU CANT ACCEPT.

DOUBT KILLS MORE DREAMS THAN FAILURE EVER WILL.
GO ALL OUT.
TO LOOK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD EVEN IF YOU FAIL.

YOU DONT LIVE TO PLEASE OTHERS.
YOU LIVE TO PLEASE YOURSELF.
GIVE, BUT GIVE HAPPILY.
AND GIVE, BUT ONLY TO THE RECEPTIVE AND WORTH YOU GIVING.

LIFE IS A BLESSING.
DONT LET IT GO TO WASTE.

PERSEVERE!!!!!! 5 more days!!!!!!

Dear diary,

Is it possible for a person to miss two people in a romantic way at the same time? Kinda missing both A and B at the same time now. Sigh. What do people usually do when they miss someone? Well, I try to keep myself preoccupied with things to do to keep my mind off those thoughts. But somehow I will still think of them at the back of my mind eventually. I must be sounding like a crazily obsessed girl right now. But really, wish I could hear B's voice or like see A's text right now. Well, actually most if it goes to B. Shit. Heart is feeling empty and lonely.

Okay dear diary, yes I'm feeling the missing and crave for his presence now. Is it a good sign?

Dear diary,

I'm having second thoughts about B and I again. Damnit. I'm confused. Rah rah. How I wished that things were simpler. Feel like experiencing all the couple lovey dovey stuff with him so much.. but he doesn't make my heart beat fast, nor does he make me miss and crave for him so much like how yh n sw feel towards js n p respectively. Sigh. But on the other hand, B is such a sweet guy. I think he will and can be the sweetest guy on earth if he was a boyfriend. So sometimes I'm really attracted to him. Since he has a fear of losing people or things important to him, partially a reason why he doesn't enter rs with good friends as girlfriends so as to ensure his good friends stay in his life unlike girlfriends who can leave after breakups, sometimes I simply feel like telling him that since he thinks I'm the first girl that he can talk to, I think I want and can be the first girl to be both a great friend and a girlfriend. I'm always almost there but when I have the luxury to think about things before acting on it, I tend to doubt myself and the entire idea once again :(

Dear diary,

A little confession down here. I received a whatsapp message from the ex bf. Yes. A. He said he saw me walk past where he was sitting but didn't call me cos he wasn't completely sure if that was me. And I was actually exhilarated just by seeing a message from him. I didn't even see him at all and yet I was already so happy. In the message, he was typing in caps and also, he said he should've called me. I was even more happy when I saw that u know. Cos not that I'm narcissistic but don't these just show how much I mean to him? Such that he got so excited to know that the girl he saw was really me. And he even suggested to meet up one day. But think he said it in a moment of excitement (and prolly got reminded or brought back to the past and hence the excitement). Cos when I replied like 4h later after oli's performance, he just didn't sound as enthusiastic and excited about it anymore (prolly cos he came back to senses or reality that things and times have changed, and so do people). Well, idk. He's like the only one thus far who can capture my feelings so much, to the extent that the usually prideful me no longer minds giving in and showing my vulnerable side. Ah well, I have to remind myself too that things and times have changed. So I really can't harbour any other thoughts than to just be friends. He's got a girlfriend now too. I should wish him all the best with the girl, treat him as a really connectable friend, and focus on my own happiness and life. Yup.

Dear diary,

Im feeling miserable. Idk how to channel all these pent up frustrations. It was the surprise birthday celebration for yh n yj just now n everyone was around. N B feels like a different person again. It isnt the first time that this is happening you know. It's already the nth time that I expect a lot more from him yet I get none. So much thoughts swirling in my mind. It seems like with all these that I seem to expect and cant get from him, he's not the one for me. But diary help. I cant control my temptation any longer. There's just this urge in me to wanna settle for the most possible guy right now to cease my loneliness. And naturally, I would wanna get close to him to create any possible magic. He just makes me so simply happy sometimes that I would think he's just the one for me, someone I can foresee a future with. But at other times, he seems like a complete stranger, so distant. My heart aches. And it would just feel empty. Why does he appear to be so sweet to me at times yet so indifferent at other times? Being so almost perfect and then walking away. I really envy how some people like sw n p would have each other. They are just like the soulmates for each other whom they can depend on. How nice would it be if I also had someone special whom I can always text every now and then to share my thoughts, happiness, sadness, craziness, excitedness, and just anything with. How nice would it be if I also had a special someone I can connect with, knowing and understanding most things about me. How nice would it be to have someone who would always show me care and concern, my wonderwall. How nice would it be if I also had someone who makes me wanna be a better person for. 

Hello dear diary,

Im back. Once again, many things have happened. Especially between B and i. Sigh. I really need to do something. It has been mindfucking me since like what? A year ago? I have to stop this from bugging me any further. It just runs in my mind like some worm crawling over a mountain of soil in circles. Okay that was weird. But anyway, yeah it is a problem. This is a problem. Rah. Need to resolve this quick. Before I get so distracted by it. (Not like I have not right? But so far it is still within control la)

Anyway, yeah. It's not like I'm so desperate for love u know. It's because of him. If it wasn't for him, this issue wouldn't be here. Don't mistake me for blaming him. I am not. I am just saying that it's not desperation but real feelings. I have tried to be opened to choices, opened to experiences, but I SIMPLY feel nothing for anyone. I know that still doesn't mean that I have feelings for him. It might just be that I haven't met the right guy yet to make me feel. But u know what. He always appears at the back of my mind whenever I think of relationships. So, I do feel for him, isn't it?

Sigh. But still, the on off feeling is always around. Sometimes I will feel so happy around him, yet, at other times, I don't feel anything at all. I wanna fall in love again. Not with anyone else. I wanna fall in love again, with him. But why will I have such thoughts when sometimes I really don't feel anything towards him? I guess I do like him. It's just that, I'm so sick and tired of him not showing me any affection. He said I give wrong signals easily. So does that mean that I have given him wrong signals too? But hey, those were signals.. not wrong signals. RAH. I NEED TO LET THIS OUT.

Anyway, sis and I had a mini quarrel. Idk if it's a mini one cos we're still not talking even after like close to 2 weeks? Sigh. Why. Hate this feeling. It sucks. Feeling damn moody lately. What's more is that the ODAC camp clashes with my lessons on Friday. Which means I can't attend. Idk if I'm upset cos I can't go, which means I can't get to meet new people and try new things, especially outdoor activities which always give me an adrenaline rush, or is it that I'm upset to be missing a chance of meeting new potential guys. So ironic. On one hand I wished there was someone else who can make me feel head over heels in love with again so I wont have to bother about B and i anymore. But on the other hand, i wanna be in love with B so much.

Sigh. Moody Tuesday. I think I need some chocolate or BnJ's fix.

Dear diary,

Im feeling f-ed up again :( so vexed. Yes, over B. Why are happy moments so short lived? Why do I always experience such short lived emotions? :( When he makes a move which makes me feel connected with him, I feel so happy and so much liking for him. But when he doesnt, I lose the interest. Sigh. What should I do? This keeps happening, like a circle without an end.

Dear diary,

I learnt something that happened to Eling on Monday. She is now paralyzed and lost all her memory. Im so upset and overwhelmed by how vulnerable life can be :'( I hope she can recover. She's a newly wed furthermore. How sad for her husband. That is why I want to write down all that I have experienced, so that if one day I lost all my memories, I could read all these once again. Who knows there might just be miracles and it could somehow trigger my memory. And I want to read all these like 30 or 40 years down the road and be reminded of all these bittersweet experiences that shaped who I am :) And Im even more reminded of how I must cherish people around me while I can. Life is so unpredictable, so vulnerable :( so live life to the fullest, for u never know when u will be gone. And keep people who are important to u close, for u never know when the words that u speak to them today will be the last words ure ever gonna say to them..

Dear diary,

B and I talked on the phone yesterday. Im so happy. Sometimes, impulsivity does lead to good outcomes afterall :) Im missing him already.

Probably the key is, DO I WANT HIM MORE THAN JUST A FRIEND?

Dear diary,

I feel so happy. B and I seemed okay yesterday. The happiest thing is that, he called me up ytd and we chatted like how we were like before. And he commented that he was upset that I kinda forgot about him. Though it was just a simple remark, it meant a lot to me. He hasnt changed :) and it feels really damn sweet to know that I still matter. Well, maybe jie is right. Sometimes we are just unaware when we seem to sound patronizing and uninterested; people can tell, but they dont mean it. So probably he was just unaware how he sounded patronizing when I wanted to talk to him back then. 

But anyway as usual, the rest were trying to match make us again ytd. They never get sick of it. Haha. And though B told me about the girl whom he was interested in but somehow gave up sadly cos he learnt that she is attached, idk.. he still appeared like he had somehow liked me before, from the teasings that the rest made ytd. Sounds shameless, but it somehow appears to me that he is afraid to fall for me, that was why he keeps denying it and taking short quick interests in other "potential" girls like what guys like to call it, so as to convince himself and that he wouldnt have to face the complications of friends and lovers. Well, he's right anyway when he commented to the rest that Im a confused girl. Indeed. I like being around B, needless to say. He makes me laugh and happy. And I do get attracted to our slight physical intimacy at times. But, is he really what I want? Will I really put in my best for him? Chemistry wins of course. And he's so easy to dote on :) we fit perfectly well in terms of me as the giver and him so readily as a receiver. And the best thing is, he understands that these are without obligations and I would feel so nice. So it really seems like he's the one (though he can be real irritating and a turn off at times when he doesnt show me signs of affection literally, and that his physique isnt my type. Im not shy when I talk to him either. and it seems like it's the first time I feel so calm about someone whom I think Im attracted to).

The only thing is, he seems weird. He wanted to talk to me just now but I was sleeping that was why I replied late. And when I did, he came online (which means that he shouldve seen my msg), but did not reply me. Think that's the thing about us :( mind games? Playing hard to get? Feelings of missing each other but keeping it to ourselves? Well, probably I shouldnt think so much anymore. It's been close to a year and a half (erm though for me I broke up like just half a year ago), and we're still in this ambiguity. And both of us are still single after his several failed "potential" ones, and my lack of interest in anyone. Dear god, does this imply that we may be meant for each other?

Nevertheless, he seemed kinda wanting to appear close yet distant with me after all the awkward teasings ytd. Shaking my hands off when I held him and blamed him jokingly for publicizing my episode of embarrassment when I cried in the club the other time.. and saying that he wants to accuse me as "molesting" him when I tickled him for fun and on purpose when he said he wanted to pee. Was kinda upset. Was it because he was afraid that we would get too intimate and he might develop feelings if there wasnt certain control, or was it because he just didnt like it? In either way, I felt rejected :( thought we were close physically (to a certain extent) most of the times? I mean, that is how comfortable we are with each other all along isnt it? Or maybe I should say, from the start. And I can never forget he say "Yea I know ure a very touchy girl. And luckily I understand and know you well." Meaning he gets into it easily too? That's why the control?

Idk. I really do like him at times, how simple yet complex he is, how we hit it off so well with each other, how happy and comfortable he makes me feel at times, and some of the sweet random things he does (this is the thing. he just seems different. he doesnt do or say stuff out of obligation or to impress. he does it whenever he feels like he wants to. not always but it doesnt matter at all. he doesnt have to do all the prototype stuff that guys think they should do for girls such as making sure ure home safely and all. but u know he cares in his own ways. and that he is just sweet in his own way.) And I may not be his dream girl, like those "potential" ones he has been taking interests in every now and then, those whom he would claim that he would feel shy when having to face them and not being daring to approach and talk to them, but I can provide him with comfort and love (to a certain extent). Really dont know how he feels towards me. Sigh. Feel like just approaching him and asking him straight in his face. Yea yea this has happened like thousands times but yea it never happens (except for the only time when I asked if he has feelings for me. but yea u know, it sounded so confrontational and it was already ages ago. who knows with a different approach and given the situation now, things might be different?)

Oh wells, during the holidays maybe?

I like how simple and happy we were. It was pure fun and laughter when I was with you. The crazy things we did together. You never fail to bring a smile to my face whenever I was upset. But as time passed by, being around you became a chore. It became so much complication. Mind games. Expectations. Assumptions. Worries. Excessive concerns. Exhaustion. And we lost it. Can we get this back? That simplicity..

My goals in life:

1. Happiness
2. Fun
3. Satisfaction - enjoy what I like to do

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine if, we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim"
"Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner! yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir" "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love or like someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family,
for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

下雨天了怎么办 我好想你
我不敢打给你 我找不到原因
为什么失眠的声音 变得好熟悉
沉默的场景 做你的代替
陪我等雨停

期待让人越来越沉溺
谁和我一样 等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会 寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大 天要多黑
才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不出那些
差别 结局还能多明显
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

期待让人越来越疲惫
谁和我一样 等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会 寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大 天要多黑
才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不出那些
差别 结局还能多明显
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大 天要多黑
才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不出那些
差别 结局还能多明显
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this time
Would you ever want to leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
And I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me dies when I let you go

Should I even hope that we'll go back to how we were like? Or should I just accept the change as it is? Yes, I may miss the past, but am I forcing a change? Cos I feel that we have already changed, and everything happens for a reason right? Part of me wants to return to how close we used to be, but another part of me tells me what's past will always belong to the past as a special part of our lives and that's the most that we should have had already, so I just wanna leave it as it is. This has happened thousands of times already anyway. So, maybe it was meant to have ended long time ago, just that our forceful attempts dragged it. Well, probably not thinking so much will lead me to guidance along the way :)

Memories of B cont'd..

Other memories

• Taka toy fair (when we played around. u were looking for toys for ur niece. and we played with the drawing gorillas. u said I was a pervert cos i drew a smiley face on the gorilla's chest, and the eyes of the smiley looked wrong. u helped me with my family issue. u accompanied me to get the fungus for my mom. u told me about ur family issue of how u almost left home. we watched brave together)
• Contact lens (u called, teaching me how to put in and remove my contact lens. u told me to be careful cos my eyes were already swollen)
• How u would always make me feel guilty by saying u're disappointed cos I didn't put u first or smth like that (like how I said Xavin was the cutest guy I've seen so far, how I said I couldn't ps jw to meet u, how I would miss ur call sometimes and u would blame me by saying what if u'd almost committed suicide and I didn't pick up ur urgent call)

Maybe the reason why I hold less feelings of missing u as I recall and type all these memories of us is cos they seem so long ago, like almost non existent. But funny yet why the feeling of missing u would resurface so strongly again when we talked again. Perhaps it's because as I face u, I would just get reminded of the stark difference once again.. Ure so close yet so far.

Just came across this video of a sad story of how a couple took so many pictures together which became memories of the little things they did together, and the happy moments they spent with each other. And the girl died, leaving the guy with these memories. It depicts just right how I always loved to take pictures of everything. Because these are memories. The captured precious moments. And there again, reminds me of my memories with B. Those precious moments..

Dear diary,

I feel like crying once again. Because I miss the past too much. 好想念以前.. I know we can't return to the past already. But the detachment process is just too tough. I know I have been through worse and overcome it, but the process is the most difficult, which is wad Im facing now. I don't know how I should feel. The way we talk, is just different. I try, and perhaps he did too. But it's just no longer the same. Maybe I would feel better if I'd stop talking to him totally. Because talking to him just reminds me once again of how we used to be. It may be due to the fact that he is overwhelmed or caught up with assignments, which explains the loss of contact. But, he did try, and it just felt different. I did try too. And it turned out to be likewise. I dont wanna be an annoying person who keeps bugging him when he's busy either. I wanna tell him that I miss him so badly. But he's busy, I don't wanna bother him with emotions. What should I do? Accept it as it is? Is there even anything that can be done to salvage everything? I know he's worth it, so I should keep trying. But I'm kinda tired.

Helpless.

But girl, u shouldn't give up so easily, right? U said u wanted to change. To become one who puts in more effort than before in relationships with those important to u. So, keep holding on alright? U will see the sun after the rain.

I keep questioning myself why he is so special. Why is he the first I am willing to put in so much effort into sustaining the friendship with? But I can't find the reason. Yes, he used to be special. But why is he still?

Memories of B..
 
Gatecrash

• U calling me once u hit the gate and I being so worried for u
• Ding ding tang
• AMK hub (I rushing down to find u just to make sure u were alright)
• MOF udon
• Agan tea(ur treat)
• AMK playground (swing - song "mean girls", bbt - me wanting to puke, spiderweb - u helped to carry my bag, pics we took on top of the spiderweb, scary walk in the park)

 Upset over Elisha

• Kinder bueno ("chocolates make people happy")
• Hard disk to charge my phone
• Amir calling (u telling me "sorry, the whole night was actually meant for u")

Sending each other pictures of our food

• My maggi mee of course
• Your spaghetti (harry's)
• Your ippudo ramen (when I pushed u away for the first time while u tried to stay close)
• Your salmon from manhatten ("for weiling" and a pic of yourself and the fish)
• Your salmon sashimi
• Your storeroom of food

Presents from me to u:

• Bday scrapbook
• Honey drink (twice. 1st during the outing with elisha, when he saw and he got jealous. 2nd was after elisha and I broke up)
• Dale plushy
• Chocolate chunk cookie & xmas note
• Percy pig chocolate
• Mushroom soup I cooked & note
• Piggy eye mask from BKK
• Letter written on bobdog letterpad (thanking u for ur long sweet message)

Presents from u to me:

• Bday booklet
• Honey drink
• Sticky candies with bear and heart
• Hugging dogs pepper and salt shakers from BKK
• Tomyum maggi mee u cooked
• Ding ding tang

Other pic sending

• Haha your half naked photo (trying to show me your curled hair)
• Your dyed hair and bangs
• Photo of my contact lens

Other memories

• Haato (waffles, ur cousin saying that im ur gf, u saying u wanna tell the girl who liked u that im your gf and I threatening u that I will tell her the truth, our sweet tooth pics tgt, ghost hunting in SIM, us saying we wanna go hunt for more ghosts in NP) 
• Clubbing during UOL bash at zouk (me hugging u for the 1st time, u seeing me cry for the 1st time, our pics tgt)
• Cloud atlas movie (our phonecall to accompany me home as I walked along the canal at 1 plus am. u scaring me by saying there's a boy in the canal climbing up the ladder, me saying the peter piper picked the wadever tongue twister and hence u calling me a pigpig, I wearing your cardigan which I thought smelled nice)
• Our endless hours of phonecalls
• U calling me to tell me how stressed u were each time (u calling me once to rehearse ur speech cos u were afraid that u would exceed ur timing, the pic that i sent u, asking u not to be stressed for ur presentation and following which u told me that u were v touched)

Actually strange, how come as I typed these, I can feel that all these were history and hold less feelings of missing u already? Shall stop here for the time being..

Grown to be overly dependent. Got to detach. Nobody can forever be literally 24/7 there for anyone.

I'll really put in my bestest best in trying to keep us close. Because I guess like what I'd always believed in, that you're different and you're worth it. But the rest is all up to fate to decide if you'll stay or go. Don't deny that we've drifted apart. And it's because this is important to me, that's why it bothers me. It's happened several times to us, but we still managed to pull through and save it. I am sure u felt the same back then too. But now, I'm losing the faith that u'll feel the same anymore. I don't wanna force it on u. I want it back badly though, but I want it natural.

I don't know why I find you so special to me, I'm not even sure if these are romantic feelings, but you're definitely more than only a friend to me. A soulmate? A confidant? A pillar of support? My laughing pill. It's much more than that. Or maybe I should say that it was much more than that. U know, I'd write a story of us so that memories of this special part of my life will never be forgotten, and I can always look back and smile when I think of this, and always rmb how this feeling of simple happiness feels like (just like the notebook by nicholas sparks, tho this specialness might just be one sided cos we're not even a couple, but I don't wanna care haha)

U've never said that u liked me (in fact u said tt u have never did from the start and never had that intention and never will cos ure afraid of losing a great friend cos of a breakup when I asked u once like almost a year ago) but it just seemed like we were happy people who enjoyed and longed for the companionship of each other. I knew I was impt to u and u knew u were the same to me. And those laughter and smiles are irreplaceable. It was just that simple. U might even have forgotten how it felt like; it might have been so insignificant to u, like just another passing phase in your life. But just know that knowing you and those unexpectedly spent times with you till now were the happiest moments of my college life :')

Bittersweet. B.

Toodles. Till we meet again :)


You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I look around me,
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you.
It's empty, and you're sad
'Cause you miss the love that we had.

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around,
The only one around.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be? Yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be, yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be. 

3 special guys in my life thus far:

1. Matthew Chan
2. Aylwin Gan (A)
3. Ivan Sung (B)

:) thanks for being/having been a special part of my life in a way or another.

Yup, we've past the spark moment. So, hold your head high, and move on with life :)

Reposting from my friend:

Some people stay, some people go.
Make do with those who stay,
make away with those who go.
Those who stay will probably stay for good.
Those who go will probably go for good.
Just my one dollar worth,
albeit 50 times more worth than your two cent worth.
Appreciate the people who fight the tides with you,
and let go of those who watch you fight the tide.

Dear diary,

I tried to connect with B again. I guess it's almost impossible for us to be like before already. Because we've already passed that phase of getting to know each other, at the same time the interest and motivation of wanting to constantly have each other by our sides. :) I guess right now, I shouldnt try so hard and expect us to return to before, how we would always text each other 24/7 and how I would feel the need and desire to talk to him every now and then.

He was the first that I would go to when I had a problem. Haha. And he seemed to be my soulmate, my best confidant then. 24/7 literally. Wouldnt it be nice if he could reminisce all these moments with me now though? Haha. It sucks right, to know that only ure missing that someone but he is not missing u back. Haha sounds damn familiar. I spoke to B about this before when we just knew each other for months. Haha. Yup. During that get to know each other phase when we heard the voices of each other almost everyday, with the phone closely clasped against our ears for hours. And I can still remember him saying that yea he agreed with me, about how sad many friendships turn out to be like that. I was telling him how said I was with my TAS experience when I told jitsiong and the rest I missed them but he didnt say it back. And he shared with me his sad army stories about how they treated each other like buddies back in camp, but how after they ord-ed, the guy only contacted him as and when he needed B's help. 

Idk if he does miss those memories we shared (secretly hoping he does), but he didnt express anything, so I doubt so. Really felt nice to have that somebody so special to u. But right now, I dont feel that same specialness anymore. As I was trying to explain the reason why I am putting in so much effort to keep B close to me, I typed the word "special". But as I typed it, I began to hesitate. Is that the right word? Or is that even a reason? How is he special to me now? And I find myself lost for words. Is "was" a more appropriate word? Perhaps. Or perhaps that was just why I jotted down my memories of the special bond and connection we shared when they were still vivid. So that I can read it in the future when such memories fade away as we dont get to contact each other that often anymore like now, so I can be reminded of how special this person is to me? He is a sweet guy who will always be around even though we dont contact each other as often. One who will always put in effort to keep us close, not literally by initiating meetups but always putting thoughts of our friendship as one of the priorities. He said he is one who gets sick and tired of stuff and people easily. So I hope it's not an obligation though. I guess we've stopped communicating. That's why we dont understand each other anymore. Haha. Why does it sound like a rs? Maybe T is right. We've fallen into the never possible platonic friendships.

Well, right now, I guess all I can do is to have more trust and faith in him? We can never return to how we were like. But like what YH said, we can always create a new friendship. And like what T said, change is always happening. So, nobody knows what lies ahead in the future. If he is meant to stay in my life, he will. As long as I put in my share of effort, I should have no regrets. Yup. 

And as I type this, Im beginning to think of the possibility of experiencing the getting to know each other stage for the 2nd time in our lives. And as I thought of it with B, it seemed almost impossible. But as I thought of A, a perfect piece of evidence came into my mind. We were close for a 2nd time. And that was how we sort of fell for each other once again even months after we broke up. So, doesnt this justify that it is possible for two people to go into the get to know each other curiosity and interest phase? So, does it also mean that it may be possible for B and I to enjoy that phase again?

Friendships actually do have honeymoon periods too? Or is it just that B and I have slipped past our right moment of fate?

Event so, step out of the past. Stop living in the past, so as to embrace the future with open hands.

HAVE MORE TRUST.
HAVE FAITH.
BE LESS CALCULATIVE.
DON'T GIVE UP EASILY.
KNOW WHO'S WORTH IT.

HAVE MORE TRUST.
HAVE FAITH.
BE LESS CALCULATIVE.
DON'T GIVE UP EASILY.
KNOW WHO'S WORTH IT.

HAVE MORE TRUST.
HAVE FAITH.
BE LESS CALCULATIVE.
DON'T GIVE UP EASILY.
KNOW WHO'S WORTH IT.

HAVE MORE TRUST.
HAVE FAITH.
BE LESS CALCULATIVE.
DON'T GIVE UP EASILY.
KNOW WHO'S WORTH IT.

When I look into your eyes 
It's like watching the night sky 
Or a beautiful sunrise 
Well there's so much they hold 
And just like them old stars 
I see that you've come so far 
To be right where you are 
How old is your soul?
 
I won't give up on us 
Even if the skies get rough 
I'm giving you all my love 
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space 
To do some navigating 
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
 
'Cause even the stars they burn 
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn 
God knows we're worth it 
No, i won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily 
I'm here to stay and make the difference that i can make 
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts 
We got yeah we got a lot at stake 
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend 
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn 
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in 
I had to learn what i got, and what i'm not 
And who i am
 
I won't give up on us 
Even if the skies get rough 
I'm giving you all my love 
I'm still looking up 
I'm still looking up
 
I won't give up (No I'm not) on us (Giving up) 
God knows i'm tough (I am tough), he knows (I am loved) 
We got a lot (We're alive) to learn (We are loved) 
God knows we're worth it (And we're worth it)
 
I won't give up on us 
Even if the skies get rough 
I'm giving you all my love 
I'm still looking up

:'(

Dear diary, Im so frustrated. Im so helpless. And Im so sick and tired of telling and asking others their opinions on this. Im so sick and tired of all these myself. I dont want to bother anymore. But part of me still hope, and part of me is still telling me that I haven't tried hard enough so I should still do something about it. But it's happened plenty of times. And it takes two hands to clap. It's so tiring when I am the only one who wants to do something about it yet he appears to be so indifferent. Dear diary, why does all these have to happen? Why cant we just remain as how close we are? Why can't we just void all complications and just be who we are? What should I do? How about just telling him what I want? But i dont want to be another Am** who is of so much problems. Guess I have to sacrifice this if I want to bring us closer right. Sacrifices have to be made to achieve certain things that we want in life, isn't it?

Even friendship with him is already so distant, let alone a relationship. We are not even enjoying moments together, we don't even spend time alone with each other anymore. Give me a reason why I should ask him about the possibilities of us being together.

Hey girl, nobody should decide who you are. You are in control of your own life. You decide what you want, and how your life should be. Get a grip of yourself, girl.

Even so, I still can't stop thinking about him. I miss him. So damn badly. I guess I just miss the old him and the old times. B. :( right now, I don't even know what to say to him anymore. I doubt he does too.

If life was a movie, I would re-watch our story more than a hundred times. Funny, isn't it? I haven't known you for long, yet, I hold so dearly the memories of the times we once spent together.

Braces.. finally :)

 

Dear diary, has our fate ended? :( can things ever be the same as before? :'(

Dear diary,

I'm missing B!! So damn much. Even as I'm trying to open up myself to others, all I can think of at the back of my mind is him. No matter how charming other guys were, musically inclined, confident, humorous, have mesmerizing eyes, I'd realize that he's still the one I'd eventually think of. His company is just irreplaceable. He makes me laugh with even the simplest and stupidest things. He makes me happy. 

And dear diary, we haven't been hanging out for ages. I crave for his presence and company so much but I'm scared. I'm so damn scared I would fall for him and then suffer any possible negative consequences. Just watched a documentary named "The Secret". It says that our lives are governed by "The Law of Attraction". By saying this, it means that we attract what we think. Is this really true? I'm so frustrated and mind-fucked by this concept you know. The concept of "predestined" or "control". Are our lives already paved out for us such that what is meant to happen in our lives will happen to us? Take for example death. I used to believe so much that since everyone is given a birth date by heaven, he should be destined to die on a certain day too, isn't it? Do we really have control over death? However, as I watched the documentary, the otherwise seems to be true as well. We are who we think we are. Our lives are shaped by our thoughts, and thus our behaviour which eventually leads to our way of life. If we think we are going to die of illness, we will die of illness. If we are negative, we attract negativity and we lead an unhappy life. If we long for something, we dream about it, we work hard for it, and it seems like we will get it. This is how we shape our lives. Yet again, not everything in the world works according to the saying, "we reap what we sow". Just take love for example. Sometimes it just appears like no matter how hard we try, things just do not seem to work out. This just shows how things that are meant to be yours will be, and those that are not will not be. How powerful is our mind then? Can it overwrite destiny?

So it really makes me wonder, is B worth me fighting for? Are we predestined to cross the lives of each other, yet only to remain as good friends forever? Or will my fight for him be able to change our future? Of course people would encourage me to believe the latter. If you'd never tried, you'd never know. Right? But I'm just so scared. After having been through mountains of emotional turmoils for already more than a year, I realize that everything about him attracts me. If this feeling of attraction only occurs to me after having known each other for more than a year, doesn't it just show how strong and true this feeling is? Despite being turned off by negativity typically, I just want to shower the depressed him with so much love and make him a happy guy. Idk if he wants me as his partner, but one thing that I know is, even if he does, he will never express or admit to it. Looking at how M and O just click together with so much chemistry, I was reminded of how much chemistry B and I shared when we just knew each other at the start. We hit it off so well that we just got so close naturally. He was always the first I'd run to be it joy or tears. And he said I was the first girl he could talk to. Oh gawd, recalling these just makes me tear.

Ahh anyway, so.. we might not have paid so much attention to it because I was involved in some form of romance affair with E, and so we naturally friendzoned each other, or at least to me. But after everything that we've been through, I realize that he's still the one. The one I'm most comfortable with, the one who can make me laugh genuinely, the one who makes my face beam with joy when I see his name appear on my phone notifications. Dear diary, the only thing that is holding me back is just one word: consequences. He said once that he had no intentions of liking me from the start, and he never will in the future. And the reason is that he does not want to lose a great friend because of a break up. This has since been etched deeply in my mind. Jiejie said that I should not be that calculative with the words of people. Because as humans, we may be feeling a certain way at a moment, but at another moment, our feelings may have changed. So, diary, I seriously don't know what I should do. He did not show any apparent signs of liking for me romantically, but I don't know how much I should trust that. Are there suppressed feelings like what hui said? :( given the benefit of doubt, I should think he is just suppressing his feelings. It's either I've overestimated my capabilities, or underestimated his..

But anyway, sigh. Now we don't even talk as often as we did. As I was trying on contact lenses once again after stopping for a couple of months, I got reminded once again of him. How I was on the phone with him even for the slightest action like trying on contact lenses. He told me how to put it in, how to remove it, and how careful I had to be, and even commented how poor thing I was cos of how swollen my eyes became. Diary, was it a moment of excitement since it was a "getting to know each other" phase? Or was it because of real chemistry? If it was the former, why didn't I enjoy E's comments on my first time experience of trying on contact lenses? Once again, people might say the truth is what we choose to believe in. In that case, isn't our life shaped by our thoughts once again? If I choose to believe that it's chemistry, I might fight for him. If it was mere excitement, I would just let it go.

Now, I don't even dare to ask him out and he doesn't initiate conversations with me as often as before. Are we both having the same thoughts? The fear of consequences? Sigh. I should just ask him out right. So wanna ask him out to the beach this Saturday, star gaze, and watch the sunrise, and just enjoy the serenity and the company of each other. But I don't dare to. Sigh. I'm so afraid that since we're close and because of my expectations towards him, I would fall to disappointment if things between us do not work out, causing awkwardness. :( That's why I have been going with the flow and choose rather to avoid the topic. As the saying goes, "ignorance is bliss". Caught in such a huge dilemma. Jiejie encourages me to just go with the flow and just be natural. Not asking me to avoid the topic, but just come what may. That's the problem. I can't be natural anymore with this fear in my mind.

AHHH frustrated. I should really pluck up my courage to ask him to go to the beach with me. Since it's just going out. And I'm sure he enjoys my company too cos there was once I was joking that I should go out more with him since he treated me to bbt cos I accompanied him to get his glasses. And he replied "you say one ah". Instead of jokingly giving the meh look, he actually wanted more company! Rahh. Why are we such complicated people? :( Okay. time to go have dinner now. And off to swimming!

Bucket list:

1. Learn guitar
2. Learn more piano pieces
3. Have braces
4. Visit Maldives
5. Travel to Japan, Korea, Taiwan, Australia (carry a koala bear), France (take a picture with the Eiffel Tower), California
6. Skydive
7. Scuba Dive (take pictures of corals and jellyfish underwater)
8. Take a super scary roller coaster ride (Ferrari Land in Dubai?)
9. See snow, draw snow angel
10. 谈一场轰轰烈烈的爱情

• Walk/run under a heavy downpour
• Kiss him in the rain
• Go to a huge carnival, sit on the rides, and have candyfloss and ice-cream together
• Take a stroll together at night, along the canal at my house downstairs, and just enjoy the breeze and the quiet night. 手牵手，一起走
• Go to a secret rooftop hideout, stargaze, sing and cuddle till sunrise
• Have him piggyback me and I piggyback him on the beach